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Showing posts with label dating across the globe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating across the globe. Show all posts

Damn.honest convos

That was one HONEST conversation.

No beating around the bush.  Every thought vocalized.

It was somewhat overwhelming, embarrassing, and gave real meaning to ‘getting a reality check’.

This was a conversation which bared all. 

It’s not as if I was avoiding this conversation.  I knew that it would open up Pandora’s box and be difficult to digest.

This was a risky conversation.  It meant being open, receptive and accepting of all that was being said.  It was going to take a while to actually assimilate and absorb in my mind, in my heart.

The circumstances are nowhere near being perfect; in fact it’s as complex as it can get.  And yet, someone chose to be that straight forward, and candid with me. 

It felt good to hear and yet it made my heart clench and bring tears to my eyes.  If only it wasn’t as complicated as it is.

Honesty is tricky isn’t it ?  The very thought of an actual genuine down right honest conversation can leave one feeling vulnerable; open to the potential pain and discomfort that conversation may lead to … BUT it also gives you the wake-up call that you need.

I had forgotten how much fun a summer fling (or romance if you want to be nicer) could be.  I’m the type of person who has almost always been in a relationship of some sorts (except after moving to India where I was deemed by the relationship Gods that singledom had more to offer)  The last time I just casually dated was back in university .. a decade ago !

My summer in the New York and Montreal somehow transported me into this other era.  Everywhere I went, people asked me which university I was at – and that was downright flattering.

A Sunday Shooter session (yes we’re talking Tequilas and Sambucas in the middle of the afternoon) resulted in me meeting a very charming young man (and by young I mean 23 years old!).  The day after we met, he dropped me a text and asked when he could call me.  He suggest meeting up and we finally worked out a date for the day before I was due to head out to Bermuda.

By far – that had to be one of the most fun dates I’ve been on in a long time.  We met up at Madison Square Garden and made our way to the Battery Park, took some pics with the Wall Street Bull (him being a New Yorker had never done this!) and some frozen yogurt; hailed a cab to South Street Sea Port for a few drinks, another cab to the East Village for shisha at this lil’ hideaway called Khyber Pass, then we walked around through the streets of Soho .. by now I’m famished and he has a surprise up his sleeve ..508 Gastro Brewery ! This was an absolute gem of a restaurant – cozy & intimate with a great menu and fab cocktail selection.  After dinner we walked around the pier at the river.  He came back to my apartment to help me move my suitcases to the Upper West Side and then made sure I got back home as well (seriously, who does that nowadays ?)  And that was just our first date. 

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I left for Bermuda the following morning and much to my surprise (and delight) he was in touch with me; so much so that he had a date planned for when I got back.  Brownie points to him on that ! The second date was just as nice (he carried my shopping for me – how sweet is that?) and so was the third.  Unlike most dates these were ‘full day’ dates that lasted no less than 12 hours at a time !! I can’t remember the last time I wanted to spend that many hours with a guy.

In the short time that we spent together, he managed to show me the small joys that go hand in hand when it comes to dating someone new.  It was the small gestures such as opening the door for me, feeding me a spoonful of his own dessert (any man that shares dessert deserves major plus points), holding my hand whilst we walked or even just dropping a kiss on my cheek because he felt like it … Such a gem of a guy and a gentleman to boot (guess I got lucky here).  It really does come down to the little things doesn’t it ?

New York definitely showed me some lovin’ …

p.s. 6+ weeks later, he’s still in touch with me =)

I like to think of myself as a pretty open gal. When I meet a new opportunity I typically find the time to embrace it with some optimism, “No, I don’t think I’ll like eating buffalo entrails, but I’ll give it a whirl …” The same goes for my dating life. I could easily find reasons to exclude men from my rolodex before they even enter. Too tall. Too Short. Too Blonde. Too Chubby. I’d be well within my rights to refuse, without much more thought some 30-40 million American men. But I don’t, I allow all to show me their worth, to try out a line, or take me on a date.

That all changes once me and the man begin to see each other with consistency. Like any self-respecting women I build in certain expectations to the relationships, which means that there becomes a list of no-no’s that accumulate. Here are five of my relationship deal breakers.

Being Latecartoon-late

I’d appreciate a phone call, and if somebody is going to run behind it’ll be me. Yes, work will hold you up from time-to-time but being late with consistency isn’t about the dinner getting cold, or missing the previews. It’s about respecting my time and the time of people other than yourself. When a man is consistently late it only shows that he’s self-centered, or worse, completely absent-minded

Laziness

I don’t think I’m the hardest worker in the world, but you should be working a full job or looking to find one. Financials aside, a man without a passion means someone who will either become too dedicated to me, or will want to find his happiness in nothing but the admiration of other women. Either way, a man without passion or motivation is a sure-miss.

Appearances

The shoes need to be polished, shirt tucked in and the beard shaved when you meet Mom and Dad. Again, I’m not a hard ass on many things, but I like to know that my man has the self-respect to wear clothes that fit and groom himself with consistency. Showing that you take pride in the way you dress, even if it’s in a style that I don’t LOVE, shows me that you will care about our appearance together. That is something that I care about.

Respect

We can argue. We will argue. But when the time comes for us to have it out, the relationship gets tossed if you can’t do it with respect and at least some capability of admitting you’re the one in the wrong. I can admit that I’m wrong, but if five months into our relationship my boyfriend is more disrespectful than he is attentive to the contents of the argument then it’s adios-time.

Video Games

No boyfriend, fiancée or husband of mine will play video games unless it is ironic, or we are doing it as a couple.

Lilly_StarLilly Star is the lead female voice atguest post DatingWebsites.com.  Lilly is a professional advice-giver with experiences in dating men of all types, including the good ones that got away.

Her passions include white wine, purple peonies and relaxing on the chaise lounge with her dachshund Samantha. Lily's work can be read on dating blogs for both men and women.

Time For A Reality Check

Did you know that Not Everyone Is Going To Like You ? Seriously.  I read this fab post written by @SingleGirlie for SinglesWarehouse and related to it (so much so that I couldn’t help pen my own thoughts on the topic- yay for inspiration – and you must read the original post like right now!)

In any relationship – whether it is with friends’, acquaintances or with a potential partner – you’ve got to realize that not everyone is going to like you the way you like them.  I’ve met more than my share of guys who indicate that they are interested but then never really follow through.  I put it down to the fact that they just don’t like me enough to come after me; AND I obviously don’t like them enough to go after them.  No one really comes out a loser in this.  I rather not waste my time or someone else's time if both are not on the same page.

If you are the outgoing type – it’s i don't like youquite unlikely that you will find your soul mate in an introvert (although it could happen but the odds are low).  The same way if a guy has a preference for busty blondes, and you are a sporty brunette or a foxy red head – unless you are willing to dye your hair blonde and opt for bust implants – it’s quite unlikely the guy is going to ask you out if he has the option of dating a busty blonde.

Dealing with ‘I Don’t Like You … Like That’

As upsetting and disheartening it is to ‘accept’ that someone doesn’t fancy you enough to commit to date or want a long term relationship with you – it’s better to cut your losses short and deal with it then and there.  Why waste time and energy trying to make someone like you ? It should be easier than that right ?

i don't like you like that_thumb[2]A few years ago, I deciphered that my persona isn’t everyone's’ cup of tea – and I’m fine with that.  I don’t want to be everyone's’ type.  I have a select group of friends; and am even more selective about the guys I date and go out with.  I’ve tried to go out with the kinda of guy that looks good on paper and has the long term potential (read marriage) but I found myself bored shitless and wanting to shoot myself to put me out of my misery.

To be fair I’m pretty sure some of the guys I’ve gone out with wished I was more domesticated / homely and less of a social butterfly.  Yeah, I said good bye to those guys pretty quickly as well.  I can’t change who I am (sure I can tone it down a notch) but I am who I am the way you are who you are.

P.S Not All Your ‘Friends’ Like You Either

You didn’t see that one coming did you ?  I’m a social person – very out going; always know people at events, restaurants, parties – hell even on the street. All of these people come up to me / or I approach them, we say hi, we sometimes hug or give each other air kisses, have a quick chat or toast a shot across the bar, even pose for photos .. you get my drift. Does that mean they all ‘like me’ ? Maybe … maybe they just ‘like me on some level’ but not on a best mates / inner circle level. Someone asked me “doesn’t it bother you?” and honestly it doesn’t. If that person meant so much to me – wouldn’t they already be a part of my inner circle ? ‘Levels of Like’ vary from person to person and that’s just a part of life. Nothing you or I can do will change that.  I rather be friends with people who accept me just the way I am than having to change my entire personality to fit in with their perception of ‘cool’.

Moving Forward – There Are Others Out There

At the end of the day – if you can accept that you are not everyone's’ type – it’s going to make life a lot easier for you.  The next time a cute guy/girl doesn’t come back for a second date or seems to pull a fade on you – don’t beat yourself up about it.  You may be dogs bollocks to those around you – but just not to that person.  And that’s okay.  You don’t need to change anything about yourself to suit the criteria of that other person.  Just be who you are and you will meet Mr / Miss Right For YOU !

My BFF @madamnatalia wrote this on her FB today and I think it’s something we should all remember :

“Everybody is not going to like you. Everybody is not going to agree with you.  Everybody can never be you.”

No two people are alike.  We can seek similar qualities, personality traits, ambitions in a person.  Your friends and your potential partner are there to complement you, guide you, bring you down when your head swells up, and most of all to tell you things straight up that no one else (other than your mother) will tell you.

Another thing is that, all of us must also learn to like ourselves (flaws et al) because once we do; then we project that confidence to those around us and thus increase the chances of others liking us for who we are (although that doesn’t necessarily mean in a romantic way). This may sound obvious and unnecessary but you’ll be surprised how many guys & girls actually suffer from low self esteem.

What are your thoughts ?

What happens when you win the lottery and you are in a relationship?

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A lottery win could give people everything they had ever dreamed of if their numbers come in - but for many people this massive sum of cash can raise issues about a spouse or partner.

Seek Financial Advice

The first thing an individual or couple - whether married or not - should do when they realize they now have a million (or more) in the bank is seek the expertise of a financial adviser.

Such a professional can help them put together a plan of action for their money and may help those who disagree about such matters with their partner.

For instance, if a household is run by one individual who likes to shop and indulge in nice meals and day trips, while the other is a stickler for thrift and saving, a financial adviser can help them reach an agreement over how best to use the money, allowing both parties to put the money where they want it.

Furthermore, these professionals can help couples invest their winnings in such a way that it safeguards their future together.

Dating does not equal Dollars

Hopefully, the vast majority of lucky lotto fans will be able to share their money with a loving other half, allowing them to fulfil their ambitions and aspirations together - but what about when the garden is not so rosy?

According to a case in Florida, a judge ruled that a spurned lover was not entitled to any of his ex-girlfriend's $1 million Florida Lottery prize, even though they had lived together for a number of years.

Judge Alan Dickey stated that an agreement would have to be put in writing between both parties if they were to share the fortune in the event one of them struck lucky.

For richer, for poorer

And even wedlock cannot guarantee a jackpot is split between estranged spouses, because a case in Scotland - which has a different legal system to England and Wales - resulted in one man being told he was not entitled to half of his wife's £35 million after he moved out.

However, the individual was lucky, as his ex decided to share her money with him in spite of their split.

Author Bio:

austinAustin Weaver is a recreational poker playeguest postr who loves cricket and rugby, but his real passion is EuroMillions Lottery.

He is a content and blog writer for theLotter, and online lottery website. He hasn’t won a big lottery jackpot yet, but loves his wife, so plans on closely following his own relationship advice if he ever does!

Follow him on Facebook or Twitter and check out the YouTube channel

Main Picture Source: Thinkstock via Adfero library

“Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.” Michel de Montaigne, French Philosopher and Writer. 1533-1592

I actually heard this quote at the end of the latest Criminal Minds episode and it really struck me.

When it comes to relationships be it with your friends, family or your partners – sometimes no matter how hard we try to forget something – a situation, an incident, a milestone, a breaking point – it seems to be as if completely instilled in the mind with no signs of letting go.

My interpretation of the quote is that instead of focusing on the memory that you want to forget, one must just let it go.  The only way to truly just let go is to accept that everything happens for a reason and accept the given conditions, circumstances, and go on with your life.  There’s no need to wreck your mind or heart over a situation that is beyond your control and is laden with emotional, mental and psychological tangents.  Take everything that comes your way as it comes and deal with it then.  It’s all part of the universal spectrum and perhaps the ultimate key to happiness ?

Decide how important that relationship is to you and how much you value it in your life – and then you’ll notice that your subsequent actions will naturally weave them in your life (or unweave them).

It’s unlikely that you may share that memory with someone else but unless you give yourself a chance to do that – you won’t know.  And by focusing on what you had – focus on the things that you could have.  Just because things change between people doesn’t mean that its impossible to achieve again. 

Your thoughts ?

acceptance 2

Seriously – what the hell is wrong with us these days ? Has technology taken over our lives to such an extent that we can’t make a simple phone call ? It’s not like cell or mobile phones are

I have a simple rule with my friends.  If you want to get in touch with me or make plans with me – CALL ME.  It’s much easier than trying to SMS / BBM / WhatsApp / Email me.

As far as I am concerned – emails are for work related purposes OR when communicating with a group about a certain subject when they are spread out in various parts of the country / world.  (or when my girls AM & NB are trying to call me but I’m on a never ending long distance phone call – then they email me).  My BBM/WhatsApp is primarily for friends & family who live in other parts of the world – we exchange a few messages and then fix a time to get on Skype for a face-to-face chat or set a phone call up.

I once had a client who would message (BBM/WhatsApp/SMS) me constantly – and it wasn’t a short message – they would be up to 6 messages. I had to tell them that I prefer to keep all communication that is work related over email so that at any point there are no discrepancies in what we are providing and being asked for as a business.

A BBM / SMS / WhatsApp is fine if it’s for very general communication i.e. hey how’s it going ? or even a ‘I’m running late – see you in 10’ type of message.  Or when you can’t answer the phone ‘cos you are driving.  It’s not meant to be used a form of freaking communication where you try to have a full blown conversation in short hand text !

And don’t even get me started on people who send an SMS for a date ! What the hell is that all about ? I get it if you are following up once the date is confirmed. If a guy can’t call me to ask mpick up the phone and make something happen-resized-600e out – I’m not particularly keen to go out with him.  Grow a pair already and just say it ! If I can call you – so can you !

I genuinely lose interest in a person if their preferred method of communicating with me is ‘non-verbal’.  I prefer to ‘talk’ on the phone or have a face-to-face chat which involves actually meeting up.  I have had a few guys just constantly message me and when I do call them and express this – it’s as if they have gone back to kindergarten ! They don’t think of it as a big deal … My main problem is that the message or the intent behind the message tends to get lost.  How do you know if it’s really a date ? People can over read / under read into messages and that’s how life gets all complicated !

What about you – do you tend to use the phone for actual conversations ? Or do you prefer to just send SMS / BBM / WhatsApp messages – be it for work or for pleasure ? Or would you rather meet someone face to face if you had something to say ?

p.s that was my rant on Day 8 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge; if you are taking part don’t forget to share your link below :

Further Reading :

  1. Five Bullets That Will Make You Want to Call Instead of Sending an Email

guest postTake it from me, dating in Sydney is difficult.  Very difficult.  It's not just that the city has a much larger proportion of single women to single men - it just seems difficult getting started at all.    As an English girl who has been living in Sydney for over ten years, I have seriously had a dating drought.   If I am honest,  I can't remember the last time I was asked out on a date or even chatted up by a Sydney sider!

I must admit, this has been a topic which my single friends and I have drank many glasses of wine over, pondering over the topic  - is it Sydney men in general or is it us?  Why is there such a huge amount of fabulous single women in Sydney struggling to meet a nice guy?  Believe me, we have tried everything from speed dating, online dating and even a few singles cruises on the harbour.  But to no avail...we return home alone to our apartments comforting ourselves with ice cream and telling ourselves that it is not us - it is them ;0).    Over the years I think my confidence has started to take a hit - as the body gets older so does the will to keep trying.  Also, you begin to think that you have a fatal flaw which everybody ( apart from yourself) is aware about.

GTDNow, listen in, as things are about to change and it seems to have taken a miracle to kick start my love life.  This miracle has come in the form of a 2 week road trip around Australia with 4 other single women.   Yes, we are looking for love and even more amazing, we are going to be filmed as part of a documentary called 'Going the Distance'

It seems I am not alone in struggling to find a decent bloke in Sydney so I will be taking part in this experiment to dig deeper into the dating drought which seems to be effecting most of Sydney women.  This search will also include travelling from Adelaide to Rockhampton, meeting fabulous single men while also raising money for the Cancer Council.    At last, I may get the opportunity to practice my flirting!   So, I would love you to join me on my journey - your support will be gratefully appreciated.  I will be blogging and doing a video diary most days from the Going the Distance website. So, the haircuts and pampering have been booked and I am on a mission to find love! ( and also find out if it really is them and not me!)

Lisa PhillipsLisa Phillips is a Life Coach and radio host who is fed up of being single in Sydney.  In her coaching, she has helped hundreds of clients meet their life partner but she has decided it is now her turn to find love!   '

To follow Lisa's journey to love; go to GoingTheDistance.com or log on to Facebook or sign up for the free newsletter.

4 Signs That You Are In The Friend Zone

A few days ago I wrote about Staying Out of the Friend Zone; and really it’s quite easy to do this if you actually follow the steps.  Then I got thinking about how so many guys (and girls) don’t even realize they are already trapped in the friend zone (and that’s a hard one to get out of!)

I’ll speak for myself when I say this – once I place a man in the friend zone – he isn’t coming out of it.  It’s not like this man is now going to be my new BFF (hell! no one can replace my boys!) and he is most definitely NOT getting lucky with me either.

A woman can place a man in the friend zone for various reasons – the main one being that she’s really just not into you (physically/sexually) but you’re a great guy so she’s cool having you around.

The only reason a man puts a woman in the friend zone is because he has not physical desire for her; and doesn’t want to get into her pants. (or they are childhood buddies; she’s one of the lads to him; or she’s actually related to him in some way)

FRIEND-ZONEHere are a few red flags that should alert you to your entry and permanent place in the friend zone :

1/ Too Comfortable, Too Soon.  This can mean many things – but if you find yourself around someone who is able to divulge just about anything to you including (but not limited to) past dating history, current love/lust interests, family issues, etc. Another big red flag should be if the girl doesn’t quite care how she looks around you (think tracks, hasn’t waxed her arms/legs, no make-up) or if a guy can’t even be bothered to slap on some cologne.  These are sure signs that you are already in the Friend Zone ! 

Honest truth - I’ve never met a man that I’m interested in without having gone waxing (even if the waxing lady yells at me and tells me there isn’t enough to wax my arms / legs / bikini – I make her do it).  I will always put on some gloss / flavoured lip balm.  If I’m not getting waxed – he’s a mate / buddy and has no chance in hell getting any from me.

2/ He or She is Only Available at Their Convenience. You want to hang out but he/she is busy or cancels plans; yet you are available whenever he/she calls to hang (doesn’t matter that you are changing your plans to fit them in). If this is something you’ve noticed – then you’re in the friend zone. If a guy / girl is interested in you – they will gocancel plans out of their way to spend time with you; they will change / modify their plans to fit you in their schedule no matter how tight it is.

Your ‘friends’ understand when you have to bail on them to link up with that hottie you saw at the club.  Your friends don’t mind if you are busy whenever they have to meet up (ok fine they may give you a bit of slack but it’s not the end of the world).  But if it’s only happening in a one-sided manner – then you need to rethink how you have prioritized that man/woman in your life. 

3/ He or She Wishes Others Were Like You And Tells You This !  No brainer here.  “Oh I wish more guys were like you; you’re such a nice guy !”  “Damn girl, if only other women got me the way you do.”  Yes, it hurts to hear but this is the man/womans’ way of telling you in a really subtle manner that ‘mate you are in the friend zone – don’t try any moves on me’. 

He/She obviously likes you enough to hang around with you but there’s no sexual chemistry there.  There may be friendly chemistry which enables you to hang out together but honestly, they rather see your personality traits in someone that gives them butterflies in the tummy or a banging hard on ! 

4/ He or She Compares You to a Relative. “You’re like a brother/sister to me”. If your radar hasn’t started beeping as yet – youlike a brother might want to wake up and smell the coffee around you ‘cos you are sooooooo deep in the Friend Zone even Indiana Jones can’t get you out of there !

Seriously think about it - who the hell goes out with their brother or sister or any relative for that matter? (unless they are incestual – and you don’t want to be getting into something like that !)  Just step away from the person concerned and try your luck elsewhere – ‘cos you are never gonna tap that !

So there you have it – the 4 signs that all lead straight to the Friend Zone.  If you have any more to add (from a male / female perspective) feel free to share your thoughts.

If you need more clues – then check out what these bloggers have to say :

  1. Out of the Friend Zone : 4 Ways to Never be His “Home girl” Again ! by Samantha Menjor
  2. Top 10 signs that you are in the Friend Zone by Ngure Kajumba
  3. 6 Signs She’s Just Not That Into You by Mike Hammer

friend zone signA few days ago, a mate of mine SK put the following as his status update :

“I'm tired of girls complaining that there’s no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE!!”

There were lots of ways I could approach this; but for the sake of getting to the point I replied to my mate and simply said :

“You're in the friend zone 'cos your game just didn't hit the spot; you probably never caught on to the clues the girl left; the timing was just off or you just aren't her type :P”

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – men and women know when they are interested in someone.  Fair enough, that more men find themselves falling into the friend zone than women – but that’s ‘cos the majority of men would be happy to get down and dirty with their women friends ! 

I know, that for me, if I’m feeling the vibe with someone – there’s only an X amount of time frame wherein which that chemistry should click; otherwise it sort of passes over and that’s when a guy gets dropped into the friend zone.

There are plenty of men (and women) out there – who are absolutely clueless to the signals dropped at them; you might even need to really throw it out there or *gasp* spell it out !

For all of you guys and girls that have inadvertently found yourself in the friend-zone with someone you clearly have sexual desires for at some point in your life; follow these simple steps for staying out of the friend zone with the next person you want to get hooked up with !

The Diva’s Guide to Staying Out of The Friend Zone (applicable across genders)

1/ Don’t be their freaking friend.  If you are into a guy / girl; for the sake of everyone around you, don’t try to be their friend !  Both of you have enough friends – and right now, you definitely don’t want to be friends !  I’ve actually told a man I was into that I was NOT his friend (because clearly we never were mates nor had we hung out like mates) 

2/ Flirt ! Flirt ! and Flirt some more !  Let that guy / girl know you’ve got the hots for them.  It could be a cheeky text message; a tap on the ass; just telling him/her that you’re digging the cologne / perfume they are wearing … anything really but you have to say it out ! That guy /Flirting-14 girl is NOT a mind reader !  He/She needs to know you are sexually interested in them (and that’s not what friends do .. unless they are FwB but that’s another post altogether)

3/ Let Your Body Do the Talking.  Body language says a lot without you having to blubber or get tongue tied (although if done right, it could lead to a lot of tongue action).  Make a move on the person – a casual touch here and there.  If you are sexually attracted to someone, your body language should definitely be suggesting it ! If he or she is not clocking on to this; it’s because (a) they aren’t feeling the same way and just ignoring it in the hopes that you will stop or (b) they are just really clueless.  

4.  Ask Him / Her Out on a Date.  And I mean, be really specific that whatever it is that you both are planning on doing – that it IS in fact a date.  It is NOT friends hanging out.   (just to be safe – make sure it’s a phone call – not an SMS for a date).  That sends a clear message that you are not just another buddy to chill with.

See it’s really not that difficult – and sometimes you just have to suck it up, be a bit ballsy and lay your cards on the table.  If your intentions are clear – then there is no room for misunderstanding, and hence no need for you to ever fall in the friend zone. 

At the end of the day – if a guy / girl is ‘aware’ that you are into them; they are going to respond by :

  1. reciprocating the feeling (score for you !) 
  2. telling you they aren’t into you (don’t lash out if they do this)
  3. just ignoring your every move until you get the hint (at this point, accept that it’s not happening and move to greener pastures)

If you still need another point of view on staying out of the friend zone,  and how to do it, check out what these bloggers have to say :

  1. Staying Out of the Friend Zone
  2. Getting Out of the Friend Zone in 7 Easy Steps
  3. Avoid The Friend Zone by Askmen.com

Can I get your number baby, so I can show you what I’m all about ! That’s what comes to mind when I hear that line.  It’s off a Mariah Carey & Jermaine Dupri track. 

Lately – it seems that everyone wants to know the next persons’ ‘magic number’.  And by that – I’m talking about the number of people one has slept with.

ActingLikeSlutIn this day and age, where sex, virginity & chastity is no longer put on a pedestal; stereotypes apparently still exist.  A guy who sleeps with women in the double digits is considered a stud; ‘experienced’; hell he even knows what women want ! But heaven forbid a woman sleeps with more ‘3’ (her first, her past and her present lover) she is automatically labelled anything from ‘easy’, ‘loose’, ‘immoral’ (those are the nicer labels) right down to be being a whore and is totally slut shammed !!

WTF is up with that kinda attitude ? Does it really matter how many people you, me or your next door neighbour sleep with ? Who are we to judge someone on the basis of the number of sexual partners they have had ? For anyone that does frown upon it – who made you the moral police ??

I’m 29 going on 30 in a few months.  My first sexual encounter was at 17 – so assuming I’ve slept with one man a year for the last 12 years – that would bring my magic number to ‘12’.   Which I reckon is a fairly decent figure.  I’ve been in a few long term relationships; I’ve had ‘dry’ spells where there’s been no action in my life for months (even a year at a stretch); and the occasional hook up.  Does being with 12 guys (or more) make me ‘easy’ ? I f*cking hope not ‘cos that’s just bullshit !

stdsRather than asking my partners about their past sexual conquests – I would much prefer to know things like ‘have you been safe’ (read that as – you better be using condoms if you want to get into my  bed) ? Have they ever had any sort of STD’s ? Do they get checked regularly ? I think that’s a bit more important than how many people they have slept with (unless of course they are sleeping with people within my social circle – that I have a problem with)

One of my closest friends literally ooooooooooooooooozes sex appeal.  She can’t go anywhere without getting hit on.  She’s had her fair share of relationships, hook-ups, flings etc.  It’s not her fault that guys find her attractive or want to hook up with her; nor is it her fault that she enjoys sex.  Would anyone call her a slut ? F*ck NO ! (besides if anyone even tried they would get bitch slapped before they could even get the word out).

I also have guy friends who are quite happy to be with a woman who is *ahem* experienced.  It’s quite hot for them to discover the tricks that she might have up her sleeve.  I honestly believe that if a guy is a true to himself – he really doesn’t quite give a rats ass about how many men his girl has slept with as long as she’s not gonna sleep with someone else other than him whilst they are together. 

Are you the type of person who carves out notches on the bedpost to keep track of all those you have slept with ? Have you ever been asked about the number of men / women you’ve been with ? Have you ASKED your partner to reveal their number to you ?

Now that you’ve had a chance to answer these questions; did it make a difference to your relationship ? At what stage of your relationship did you ask these questions ? Do you think you could have missed out on a great relationship or romance ‘cos you judged someone by their number ?

My favourite blogger Simone Grant says that smart women agree that your number doesn’t matter.  And I applaud everyone who goes by that theory.  Insecurity can be a b*tch – so yeah people with insecurity or low self esteem may feel like they need to hide / falsify their number to their partner.  But seriously, think about it – why the hell would you want to even be with someone who is going to judge you by your past ? Shouldn’t they want to be with you because of everything that makes you the unique individual that you are!

Further Reading

  1. Smart Women Agree That Your Number Doesn’t Matter by Simone Grant 
  2. Should You Reveal The Number of People You Have Slept With by Simone Grant
  3. What’s Your Number ? by Victoria Williams for TheFabV.com
  4. Sexy Time : Why Numbers Don’t Matter by Ness Fraser for CollegeCandy.com
  5. Why Does It Matter How Many Partners She has Had ? by Hugo Schywzer for TheGoodMenProject.com

So you’ve got the first date done and out of the way. Everything must have gone well otherwise you wouldn’t be planning your next date, and it also means that you can let go of the stress you were feeling before and focus on having a fantastic second date.

While first dates can be lots of fun and very entertaining, they never feel as comfortable as the second date because you spend so much time getting to know the other person (which is what they’re meant for). Now that both of you know what each other like and dislike you can spend more time building on that foundation with fun activities.

Here are 5 ideas to help you start planning your next date:

1.  Dancing- Guys you may be hesitant on this one but I promise that if you suck it up and take one for the team your lady will appreciate it. Of course it’s always good tosalsa_dancing_590 check with your date before you surprise them and show up at a dance club, but chances are the activity will be a hit! There are several different types of dancing that you can choose from as well. Some clubs play more salsa music, some hip hop, and others country, which means the choice is yours.

2.  Arts and Crafts- Having an arts and crafts night with your date is always a lot of fun. You can get several different supplies like clay, watercolour paints, coloured pencils, and crayons so that you can switch styles if you wish. You can make it your goal to either create a work of art together or make two separate projects and then exchange them as gifts at the end.

3.  Visit the Zoo- Take your date to the nearest zoo and spend some time learning about the wildlifezoo-date there. Make sure that you check the schedule beforehand so that you are there to see the bigger events like when they bring out the tigers and show them off. You can visit the petting zoo and feed some of the animals. Remember that zoo’s aren’t for kids only. People of all ages can enjoy meeting and learning about all the different animals.

4.  Take a Bike Ride or Hike- If you both love the outdoors then going for a bike ride or going on a hike makes for a fabulous date. With your bike ride or hike it’s always fun to bring along some food and drinks so that you can have a picnic if you find a good spot. Be sure to keep the rigor of the hike and bike rides to a minimum so that neither of you reach the point of exhaustion.

5.  Do Some Service- A simple service project makes for a really great date activity. You get to walk away from your project knowing that you were able to help someone else and spend time with your date all at once. The project doesn’t have to be anything big… You could ask your grandparents or neighbours if they need help with anything around the house. They may have some simple electrical work like helping them plug in their new computer, or climbing the ladder to change the light bulb. Whatever it is they’ll be extremely grateful that you were willing to help.

Now that you have 5 great ideas for your next date pick one or two of your favourites and then go for it. Don’t be afraid to put your own spin on things if you are feeling inspired.

divas guest bloggerWeb Design Phoenix handles the internet marketing for Bid Boomerang. Bid Boomerang connects homeowners with a qualified electrician in Mesa AZ.

We all have a ‘type of person we are attracted to’ right ? You’ve got a type, I’ve got a type, everyone around you has a type of person they are attracted to.  That ‘type’ could be right for you or could be utterly wrong for you; and some people fall into the trap of always dating the same type of person.

I touched on this a while ago – at a certain point in ones’ life – you reach a stage where you want ‘more’ than just a relationship.  You want something more meaningful and concrete, something which has substance, and most of all, you want someone you can share your life with.  Not just for now, or for a few months – but for the long haul !

Over the past few years, especially after moving to Bombay, I’ve realized that whilst my generic ‘type’ is what I look out for on the surface level – on a deeper level I’m looking for someone who has a personality that attracts and draws me to them.  It doesn’t matter how good looking, established, ‘great-on-paper’ a person is – but if there is no substance, what’s the point ?

I’ve met a few guys who leave my mouth hanging – but the minute they open their mouth – I come back to reality and think to myself ‘jeeeeeeeez shut your gob and just be eye candy’.  It’s been harder for me to connect with guys on a deeper level the past few years than ever before.  I feel like all the guys I meet, whilst they have may fit the ‘physical type’ criteria, they lack the ‘mental chemistry’ that any relationship needs to sustain itself it.

There are guys I have met who are ‘great-on-paper’ i.e. long term potential, but they lack that certain ‘je ne sais quois’ that I look for in a life partner.  I think that has to do with ‘actual conversation’, and honestly, I find that people no longer have time to have real conversations anymore.  Some of the guys I have gone out with just lack basic conversational skills ! They are fine over email / IM / SMS (which I hate) but put them in a real-time face-to-face or phone conversation and they bore the living daylights out of me !

As clichéd as it is – everything boils down to sex – and some people are willing to forgo things like personality and conversation if the sex is good.  I can’t bring myself to continue to fornicate with someone (don’t ask why I used that word but it came to mind) if I can’t even have a decent conversation with them !

levels of attractionI’ve had this graph with me for a while now and whilst skimming over ‘Naked With Socks On’ – it all began to make sense.   You need to balance out the mental and physical attractiveness of a person and figure out if you are in the dating zone or if the person has long term potential i.e. marriage.

If you share a great vibe, physical & mental chemistry with a man or a woman AND like their personality – it doesn’t matter whether or not he/she fits in to your ‘general type’ category.  You need to say something to express yourself because you can’t rely on the man/woman to pick up on non-verbal cues or be a damn mind reader !  What’s the point otherwise ? ? It’s not so hard to open your mouth and blurt out exactly what is going on in your mind.  And if that’s too hard – email your thoughts to the person.  That gives you time to assess and break down your thoughts; and allows the other person time to actually respond in a coherent manner.  What’s the worst thing that could happen ? The person will either not respond or tell you they don’t feel the same way. 

Instead of over analysing whether an ‘x’ at the end of a text means  something or nothing; just accept it for what it is and if it’s going to lead somewhere it will.  It could be a case of serendipity. If you have the intention to ‘date’ a man/woman – then make it clear.  Talk to them and ask them out on the phone, or face to face (and for Gods’ sake do not SMS someone for a date!) If you’re already in some sort of relationship with a man/woman – discuss whether its’ exclusive or not.

Do you feel that we as a society are forgoing on actual conversations ? Would you date outside of your ‘type’ to see if you could find what’s missing ? I know that I’ve made a conscious effort to date outside of my preferred type and the more I do, the more I learn about what I do want out of a partner.  How do you weigh out physical v/s mental attraction ? Do you relate with the chart that I’ve shared above ? Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Further Reading

  1. Is your Dating ‘Type’ The Reason You Are Single ?
  2. ‘It’s Not A Date … It’s A Suggestion’ by The Hopeful Romantic
  3. What People Truly Seek While Dating ? by SingleCityGuy

This is one of those posts that I had drafted out God-only-knows-how long ago; I kinda forgot about it but then found it again sitting in the drafts and decided it was worth posting.  It was inspired by my blogger friend Simone Grant.

The funny thing here is that I was sooooo positive that her original post was about reasons to love hotel sex .. So wrong !! Her post is actually titled 5 Reasons Why I Hate Hotel Sex !

Now that I’ve had a chance to re-read her original post, I am still more inclined to love hotel sex than hate it – although I can get where she’s coming from.  My business partner carries her own towels (and pillows if she could). 

1/ It’s not at home ! which means you’re getting MORE of it ! No one knocking on your door (God bless the person who invented the DND sign); no phone calls to answer! Vacation = Great Sex. Anywhere and everywhere in the hotel room (and outside). Plus points if it’s a suite – even better !

2/ Breakfast in Bed (and Room Service too). There’s something super sexy about waking up to a ready breakfast in bed (and eating it off your partner!). 

3/ Naughty Weekend. Play out your naughtiest mnaughty kitoments and no one will be the wiser. For all you screamers out there – this is your time ! Fantasies. Role Play. Need I say more ??? If I know I’m staying at a hotel with my significant other – that’s the time to pack all the toys (or go out and buy them if you don’t already have them) ‘cos it makes for a nice surprise !  I recommend this ‘Naughty Weekender Kit’ – compact and yet it’s got everything you need for a good time !

4/ The elevator gets you in the mood ;) All the necking, nuzzling, teasing can start right there.  Haven’t you noticed that you tend to lose your inhibitions once you enter a hotel (knowing you probably never have to come back there) I’ve done the deed in the elevator of my old apartment block – and it was hot !

5/ Someone is gonna clean up after you ! After a naughty romp all over the room, bed covers thrown around, towels on the floor – the last thing you want to do is clean up – and that is why I’m so grateful to those in house keeping ! (make sure you leave a generous tip if you are going to be super messy !)

These are just some of the reasons I love hotel sex … what about you ? Love it or Hate it ? Don’t forget to share your comments below ‘cos it’d be interesting to know what you think about it !

Since I’m sharing my dating diary with all of you lovely readers – let’s go back to May when I met this guy who sounded pretty perfect on paper – with all the qualities / criteria that made up ‘my type’ of guy … 6’1”, broad shouldered, trim build, and a fab dancer to top it off ! The two of us come from the same professional background which meant that he also ‘got’ my job and ad-hoc hours involved.  We shared great chemistry; he was totally into me and he preferred to call rather and SMS ! (woohoo no SMS for dates unlike the doctor ! )

A short whirlwind fling is the best way I can describe it .. but every fling has to come to an end ..

How It Began

Let’s just say that him and I were the only ones on the dance floor after the entire wedding party had gone off to bed. We kept chatting in the balcony of my hotel room and he eventually leaned in to kiss me.

We were both in Goa for a few more days and he made it a point to call me every day (a few times even) to make plans to meet up; which we did and it was all good fun.

We hooked up – sooner than later Couple-in-Bed-Copy(don’t judge me now). What could have / should have been a long weekend fling actually evolved into something else. He introduced me to his friends and work colleagues within the 1st week of us hooking up once we were back in Bombay.

The guy was totally into me and honestly it was quite refreshing to be around someone who I was also attracted to and who wasn’t afraid to express himself (and by that I mean there was a lot of PDA) My girlfriends met him and they thought ‘great guy’ and I should definitely make things work … but ..

There was something ‘off’ and I couldn’t put my finger to it. My girls on the other hand, thought I was being very cynical – however I’ve learned how to ‘out’ a person quite quickly.

So What Was The Problem

The first time we hooked up, he asked me ‘where I saw things going’. Now this would have been fine if had been dating over a few weeks but this was the morning after the 1st hook up !! (see – it’s not just women who want to know where things lead to). I actually had to tell him if we could wait to put our clothes back on before such a heavy conversation ! (that should have been my 1st clue)

Fair enough he introduced me to his mates, but one of the nights we went out together – a very chauvinist side appeared which didn’t impress me very much.

About a week into the unnamed relationship status –datingnews05 he asked me again about what direction I thought things were moving in and wanted to know if we were exclusive or not. I told him I’d prefer to go with the flow and not give a name / status to whatever we were sharing however if we were to get our groove on – then it would be exclusive.

The following week, he dropped the ‘L-Bomb’ on me ! That’s right folks, he tells me that he loves me !! And my reaction was to laugh ! (not a mean horrible laugh but more of a ‘you are joking right’)  Yeah I laughed, and told him with as straight a face as I could – that he did not love me, he may like me a lot, even lust after me but he definitely didn’t love me the way he claimed to.

The week after that – he bailed out – two nights in a row and then I never heard from him (for almost a month !).  No reason at all.  Maybe he thought I’d pursue him.  Maybe he just didn’t care (or maybe it was ‘cos I laughed at the L-bomb)

Diva’s Verdict

A case of ‘too much too soon’ and I reckon he didn’t quite know what he wanted. Must not have helped that I laughed at his declaration of love. It’s not that he’s a bad guy but since his disappearing act, he deleted me from his FB but kept me on his BB & Gtalk (where he proceeded to put up constant updates about the the love of his life).  A little childish don’t you think ?  (the deleting me part not his love updates)

On second thought, maybe he got back with his ex (he does have her name tattooed on his back)  Overall, I’m cool with the fact that he’s moved on – a heads up would have been ideal – but it looks like he pulled a fade on me.  Oh well … such is life ! I can live with that.

Side note : he has since sent me a few BBM messages in July and I bumped into him in August; said a courtesy hello after he came up to me and then zoomed off in my car like a good girl.  Oh and I’m off his BBM list now as well.

I’ve been meaning to do this for a while – but haven’t quite gotten around to it .. but now that I’ve done it, might as well share it.

Ever since I moved to Bombay, it just feels like my dating mojo has gone down the drain.  All the guys I meet have some sort of issues and I don’t think I have ever been single for so long in a city ! When I mention the word ‘dating’ – people look at me funny with an expression that says ‘dating ? what’s that ?’

The planner in me has put together a little table comprising of all the dates / non-date dates that I have been on over the past 4 years (and honestly this kind of depresses me because if I was anywhere else in the world, I’d probably be in some sort of relationship by now)

Diva Dating Diary

As you can see – I’ve had a few men come my way during my stint here in the city but seriously, dating is not easy especially in Bombay ! There are layers of complexity behind any ‘relationships’ but the concept behind dating here is harder than trying to learn an alien language !

Dating is hard enough as it is – but then to have people SMS / BBM you for a date ? Jeeeeeez grow up already ! Have we lost our nerves to technology ? (that’s a whole different post altogether).

The list about pretty much covers all sorts of guys that have approached me or attempted to pursue something but somewhere along the line their game was totally off !

Anyway, you can read more about my dating escapades over the coming weeks.  I’m pretty sure you will crack up over some of the stories and also might want to smack some of the guys .. Luckily these ‘dates’ haven’t really put me off dating (as yet), and as my girl TheSingleFilez says, ‘You Gotta Be In It To Win, Right ?’

By Rachel Khona For Men's Life Today

So you asked her out. What do you do now to totally impress her? Or it isn't your first date, but you want to try something different to keep the flames burning? With all the options out there, stand out from the masses. The best part? She'll feel special, and think you're cool and creative.

1. Take her out for a 'progressive dinner'
Instead of a regular old dinner, do a “progressive dinner.” New restaurants are popping up left and right. So why settle for one? Munch on starters at the bar of the first restaurant. Then move to a second establishment for the main course. Finish off with dessert at a café or another restaurant. If you’re on a budget, try what Grammy-recognized artist Anand Bhatt loves to do to woo the ladies; a dhaba crawl. “I map out some fun and non-upscale restaurants, ending with a nice place like the Oberoi or a walk on Juhu beach if I’m in Mumbai, and we go to each one and try something from their menu.”

Just be sure to save the fanciest place (anywhere you can sit down) for the main course since it's the most important!

2. Show her you're cultured -- check out a gallery
Checking out the different pieces on display is a great way to bond and will give you something to chat about. When choosing a gallery or museum, keep in mind your date’s interests. Is she into modern art? New art galleries are opening in all the major cities. The husband and wife team of Mortimer Chatterjee and Tara Lal have created a space in Mumbai, dedicated to the exhibition of cutting-edge Indian art. Delhi's Habitat Centre always has new art on display, with great restaurants nearby to boot.

What if she's a history buff? Delhi's National Museum has some great artefacts you probably haven't seen since your grade school visit. This time, both of you are sure to be blown away by the totally sexy Gupta period costumes. When you’re done perusing the displays, hit the museum restaurant or nearby café.

3. Take a ballroom dancing class
There’s nothing sexier (and more fun) than learning to shake it. Even if you're not the most co-ordinated person, just take it in Six Great Dates That Won't Break the Bankstride and have a good time. Says Kamal Khatri of Dance Classes in Mumbai, “we see many couples coming in on dates, and they learn to dance together.”

In addition to Dance Classes, Swingers Dance in Bangalore and Ballroom Dreams in Mumbai offer a variety of courses in everything from the waltz to the jitterbug. But if you really want to move to something sultry, try one of the Latin styles like salsa, tango, or Brazil's "forbidden" dance, the Lambada. “Dancing brings couples close and as they spend quality time together, they can get to know each other better,” says Khatri. Just don't get too frisky too soon!

4. Play a board gameboard games
Ask her out for a coffee, then snag your favourite game and bring it along to your cafe. Board games are fun and can encourage a little friendly and flirty competition. Is she a witty wordsmith? Try Scrabble. Is she a financial maven? Monopoly should get her juices flowing. Plus board games give you an insight into her that you may not otherwise see. Is she a cheater? Does she get angry easily? Or does she take it all in stride? There’s only one way to find out.

5. Attend a cooking class
Show your lady you're manly enough to cook! Even better, you'll learn how to make all those fancy meals you enjoy while eating out. Nothing says romance more than French food, or sweet cupcakes and chocolate. Le Cordon Bleu-trained chef Pooja Dhingra owns Le 15 Patisserie in Mumbai, where she conducts a variety of classes in the art of decadent desserts. Dhingra says a cooking class "takes the edge off and makes you comfortable while you're on a date."

cooking classCan't cook? Don't worry. "Most of the people who come for the basic classes can't even break an egg, so knowing how to cook is not compulsory,” she adds. “The idea of these classes is to come learn and have some fun at the same time."

There's something for every palate. Over in Bangalore, 85-year-old Hajra Mohammed teaches classes in Kutchi Memon cooking. Your date and you can master regional Indian cuisine, if you prefer the spice!

6. Take her on a two-for-one with a cinema restaurant
Still want to take her to dinner and a movie? Don't get stuck munching stale popcorn when you can dine on a gourmet meal. A trend started in New York and London has now moved to India as well. Cinemas with built-in restaurants offer the best of both worlds and are pretty upscale. At Cine Diner in Big Cinemas' 9-screen Megaplex in Mumbai, you get full meals with table service as the latest flicks play.

 

rachel khonaRachel Khona is a writer and performer who has written for Cosmopolitan, Ask Men, Creem, and is a contributing editor at Vaga. She can also be seen performing for Inner Monologues and Speakeasy Stories.

In her spare time, she likes sliding down rainbows and chasing imaginary squirrels.