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I had forgotten how much fun a summer fling (or romance if you want to be nicer) could be.  I’m the type of person who has almost always been in a relationship of some sorts (except after moving to India where I was deemed by the relationship Gods that singledom had more to offer)  The last time I just casually dated was back in university .. a decade ago !

My summer in the New York and Montreal somehow transported me into this other era.  Everywhere I went, people asked me which university I was at – and that was downright flattering.

A Sunday Shooter session (yes we’re talking Tequilas and Sambucas in the middle of the afternoon) resulted in me meeting a very charming young man (and by young I mean 23 years old!).  The day after we met, he dropped me a text and asked when he could call me.  He suggest meeting up and we finally worked out a date for the day before I was due to head out to Bermuda.

By far – that had to be one of the most fun dates I’ve been on in a long time.  We met up at Madison Square Garden and made our way to the Battery Park, took some pics with the Wall Street Bull (him being a New Yorker had never done this!) and some frozen yogurt; hailed a cab to South Street Sea Port for a few drinks, another cab to the East Village for shisha at this lil’ hideaway called Khyber Pass, then we walked around through the streets of Soho .. by now I’m famished and he has a surprise up his sleeve ..508 Gastro Brewery ! This was an absolute gem of a restaurant – cozy & intimate with a great menu and fab cocktail selection.  After dinner we walked around the pier at the river.  He came back to my apartment to help me move my suitcases to the Upper West Side and then made sure I got back home as well (seriously, who does that nowadays ?)  And that was just our first date. 

I left for Bermuda the following morning and much to my surprise (and delight) he was in touch with me; so much so that he had a date planned for when I got back.  Brownie points to him on that ! The second date was just as nice (he carried my shopping for me – how sweet is that?) and so was the third.  Unlike most dates these were ‘full day’ dates that lasted no less than 12 hours at a time !! I can’t remember the last time I wanted to spend that many hours with a guy.

In the short time that we spent together, he managed to show me the small joys that go hand in hand when it comes to dating someone new.  It was the small gestures such as opening the door for me, feeding me a spoonful of his own dessert (any man that shares dessert deserves major plus points), holding my hand whilst we walked or even just dropping a kiss on my cheek because he felt like it … Such a gem of a guy and a gentleman to boot (guess I got lucky here).  It really does come down to the little things doesn’t it ?

New York definitely showed me some lovin’ …

p.s. 6+ weeks later, he’s still in touch with me =)

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Here’s one for the Diva’s Dating Diary (I really should make a chart for 2012 but that’s another post altogether)

How It Began

About 3 weeks ago, I went out with a girlfriend for the launch of a new club in Bombay.  We were looking fab and dancing the night away.  This one guy caught my attention towards the end of the night – he was looking straight at me through 10 feet of writhing bodies and when I locked eyes with him – he looked away.  And I laughed which I assume embarrassed him just a bit – because every time he looked up and caught my eye – he couldn’t maintain eye contact. 

I found this pretty amusing and actually pointed at him and indicated that he should come over to where I was.  Typical Bombay boy, he didn’t and looked even more flustered (heaven forbid a woman is direct!).  At this point I just got bored and went back to dancing with my girlfriend.

Whilst waiting for my car – I saw the guy again and this time he did approach me and we struck up a conversation, exchanged phone numbers but not before he asked for my BBM pin.  Seriously what the hell happened to just taking a phone number down ?

The Problem

The next day, this lad drops me a half dozen text messages which included (and I quote) “C U Sometime at your comfort”,  until I tell him that it’s a lot easier to have a conversation on the phone (my pet peeve is constant texting / bbm’s instead of a quick phone call).  2 hours later he gets his ass in gear and calls me (but not before we play phone tag for another half hour or so). 

Plus points to him for actually trying to fix a date; more plus points when he did fix a day to meet to up.  I asked him what he fancied doing and he says …

“I thought you could come over to my place, watch a movie and you can cook me lunch”

Errrrrrrrrm NO.  Minus points all around.  Seriously – the logistics of this suggestion involve me traveling from one side of the city to the back end of the suburbs to cook for him with absolutely zero effort on his part !  Why on earth would I want to cook lunch (or any meal) for a man I do not know and at his house the first time I ever meet him ??   Not a smart thing for any girl to do on a 1st date (unless you have some history with the man).  Cooking involves slaving over the heat in the kitchen (and with temperatures hitting 40 degrees Celsius in Bombay that is NOT something I want to be doing) AND end up smelling like food !! Appealing – No way !

I provided an alternative option of going out somewhere to eat but he wasn’t having it.  Cheap alert perhaps ? Or then again it could have to do with the fact that he’s a 24 year old model who thinks he’s being cute ! *yeah right*

Needless to say – that date never happened.  The party was on a Thursday, he rang me on Friday, we’d fixed up to meet the following Tuesday and like most of the Bombay boys – he never quite followed through to the end.  A request on his part to reschedule but that didn’t happen either.  Although I got a text message the weekend after asking what I was up to and when I would be cooking for him !! My response – I’ll send you some take-out / delivery options !

Diva’s Verdict

Guys – don’t ask a girl to cook for you on the first few dates.  You may not realize this but cooking for someone is quite an intimate affair – and if you haven’t got a history together, it could turn out to be a bit of a disastrous meal !!  Ask her out, take her out (this does not mean it has to be fancy), show her that you’re into her and if you play your cards right – she might show off her cooking skills or better yet, if you’re really lucky, she’ll serve you breakfast in bed !

Side Note : I don’t have a problem with cooking a meal for a guy – but that’s at a later stage of having been together i.e  few dates at least / a boyfriend .. definitely not the first time I am meeting him.  Now if HE offered to cook for me (or vice versa) that’s a different story … but this was just a bit lame (even though my mates reckon he wanted to actually indulge in Naked Master Chef)

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Time For A Reality Check

Did you know that Not Everyone Is Going To Like You ? Seriously.  I read this fab post written by @SingleGirlie for SinglesWarehouse and related to it (so much so that I couldn’t help pen my own thoughts on the topic- yay for inspiration – and you must read the original post like right now!)

In any relationship – whether it is with friends’, acquaintances or with a potential partner – you’ve got to realize that not everyone is going to like you the way you like them.  I’ve met more than my share of guys who indicate that they are interested but then never really follow through.  I put it down to the fact that they just don’t like me enough to come after me; AND I obviously don’t like them enough to go after them.  No one really comes out a loser in this.  I rather not waste my time or someone else's time if both are not on the same page.

If you are the outgoing type – it’s quite unlikely that you will find your soul mate in an introvert (although it could happen but the odds are low).  The same way if a guy has a preference for busty blondes, and you are a sporty brunette or a foxy red head – unless you are willing to dye your hair blonde and opt for bust implants – it’s quite unlikely the guy is going to ask you out if he has the option of dating a busty blonde.

Dealing with ‘I Don’t Like You … Like That’

As upsetting and disheartening it is to ‘accept’ that someone doesn’t fancy you enough to commit to date or want a long term relationship with you – it’s better to cut your losses short and deal with it then and there.  Why waste time and energy trying to make someone like you ? It should be easier than that right ?

A few years ago, I deciphered that my persona isn’t everyone's’ cup of tea – and I’m fine with that.  I don’t want to be everyone's’ type.  I have a select group of friends; and am even more selective about the guys I date and go out with.  I’ve tried to go out with the kinda of guy that looks good on paper and has the long term potential (read marriage) but I found myself bored shitless and wanting to shoot myself to put me out of my misery.

To be fair I’m pretty sure some of the guys I’ve gone out with wished I was more domesticated / homely and less of a social butterfly.  Yeah, I said good bye to those guys pretty quickly as well.  I can’t change who I am (sure I can tone it down a notch) but I am who I am the way you are who you are.

P.S Not All Your ‘Friends’ Like You Either

You didn’t see that one coming did you ?  I’m a social person – very out going; always know people at events, restaurants, parties – hell even on the street. All of these people come up to me / or I approach them, we say hi, we sometimes hug or give each other air kisses, have a quick chat or toast a shot across the bar, even pose for photos .. you get my drift. Does that mean they all ‘like me’ ? Maybe … maybe they just ‘like me on some level’ but not on a best mates / inner circle level. Someone asked me “doesn’t it bother you?” and honestly it doesn’t. If that person meant so much to me – wouldn’t they already be a part of my inner circle ? ‘Levels of Like’ vary from person to person and that’s just a part of life. Nothing you or I can do will change that.  I rather be friends with people who accept me just the way I am than having to change my entire personality to fit in with their perception of ‘cool’.

Moving Forward – There Are Others Out There

At the end of the day – if you can accept that you are not everyone's’ type – it’s going to make life a lot easier for you.  The next time a cute guy/girl doesn’t come back for a second date or seems to pull a fade on you – don’t beat yourself up about it.  You may be dogs bollocks to those around you – but just not to that person.  And that’s okay.  You don’t need to change anything about yourself to suit the criteria of that other person.  Just be who you are and you will meet Mr / Miss Right For YOU !

My BFF @madamnatalia wrote this on her FB today and I think it’s something we should all remember :

“Everybody is not going to like you. Everybody is not going to agree with you.  Everybody can never be you.”

No two people are alike.  We can seek similar qualities, personality traits, ambitions in a person.  Your friends and your potential partner are there to complement you, guide you, bring you down when your head swells up, and most of all to tell you things straight up that no one else (other than your mother) will tell you.

Another thing is that, all of us must also learn to like ourselves (flaws et al) because once we do; then we project that confidence to those around us and thus increase the chances of others liking us for who we are (although that doesn’t necessarily mean in a romantic way). This may sound obvious and unnecessary but you’ll be surprised how many guys & girls actually suffer from low self esteem.

What are your thoughts ?

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“Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.” Michel de Montaigne, French Philosopher and Writer. 1533-1592

I actually heard this quote at the end of the latest Criminal Minds episode and it really struck me.

When it comes to relationships be it with your friends, family or your partners – sometimes no matter how hard we try to forget something – a situation, an incident, a milestone, a breaking point – it seems to be as if completely instilled in the mind with no signs of letting go.

My interpretation of the quote is that instead of focusing on the memory that you want to forget, one must just let it go.  The only way to truly just let go is to accept that everything happens for a reason and accept the given conditions, circumstances, and go on with your life.  There’s no need to wreck your mind or heart over a situation that is beyond your control and is laden with emotional, mental and psychological tangents.  Take everything that comes your way as it comes and deal with it then.  It’s all part of the universal spectrum and perhaps the ultimate key to happiness ?

Decide how important that relationship is to you and how much you value it in your life – and then you’ll notice that your subsequent actions will naturally weave them in your life (or unweave them).

It’s unlikely that you may share that memory with someone else but unless you give yourself a chance to do that – you won’t know.  And by focusing on what you had – focus on the things that you could have.  Just because things change between people doesn’t mean that its impossible to achieve again. 

Your thoughts ?

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Seeing that I have yet to finish writing about my dating experiences in this city – here’s a new one for the Diva’s Dating Diary.

A couple of weeks ago I met this guy.  He approached a girlfriend and me at a bar with a relatively cheesy line but just ‘cos he was funny (and was an NRI) – we all got chatting.  He asked me to stick around for a drink whilst my girlfriend went to join our friends and I did.  Hey, it’s the most direct a guy has been with me for a while now (in public) so why not right ?

Turned out that he was in fact quite a laugh to be around, extremely witty, well travelled and spoke French.  He asked for my BB pin – not my number – which led me on to a rant about why can’t people just pick up the phone instead of texting / sending BB messages (huge pet peeve of mine). 

The lad didn’t disappoint – he made it a point to call me and only used BB messages as a way of informing me if he could / could not call.   I can’t begin to tell you how nice it was to ‘talk’ to a guy who gave off positive signs of being interested.  If I really think about it – this guy knew the rules (not that I go by them but it’s something to consider) – called when he said he would; call to ask me out a few days in advance (no sms for dates) and generally very charismatic. 

The first time he asked me out – it was just him and I – at a social event wherein he was aware that I would know people there.  He arrived early and waited for me, we spent the entire evening hanging out together after he found a cushy corner sofa for us to have our drinks at.  The second time – was at another party – where he spent the evening hanging out with my friends.  The third time – same sort of thing but I made it clear that I was out to hang out with him and not with other people.  The last time was a few days ago, a mid week social event to raise funds for an NGO and it was just him and I (again, he was the one who asked me to join him)

At some point in the evening I come to know that he is not only avoiding being in a relationship; but he has gone out on a few dates with another girl and wants my advice on how to break it to her that he’s not looking for anything serious.  Whilst on the surface, I gave him very good advice on how to deal with this girl – at the back of my mind I’m thinking ‘WTF – how on earth could I have been so ‘off’ on whatever signals he was giving off’.  Not once in the entire month that we have been talking to each other, did he bring up ‘dating’ another girl.

Even though I’ve not been dating much the past few years – I think I know when a guy is into me – and everyone around me who met this man thought the same thing … but this wasn’t actually the case (which is absolutely fine) … what I don’t get is – why spend so much time and energy on someone (i.e me) if he wasn’t even interested ?  I have guy friends – and they do not spend hours chatting to me in the middle of the day or the night … but this one did … the more I think about it – there were absolutely no signs that he may put me in the friend zone and his body language told a different story altogether .. it  was all about staying out of the friend zone.  Everyone who has seen the two of us together (including random strangers that he enjoys chatting to) has assumed, implied or stated that we were a couple.  So you can imagine the slight state of surprise I was in when he broke the news above.

Whilst driving home that night, I went through every conversation and interaction I have had with the man .. and for the life of me couldn’t figure out where or when I would have missed an indicator that said ‘maybe not interested’ … oh well at least the conversations were entertaining ! Next please !

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I’ve been meaning to do this for a while – but haven’t quite gotten around to it .. but now that I’ve done it, might as well share it.

Ever since I moved to Bombay, it just feels like my dating mojo has gone down the drain.  All the guys I meet have some sort of issues and I don’t think I have ever been single for so long in a city ! When I mention the word ‘dating’ – people look at me funny with an expression that says ‘dating ? what’s that ?’

The planner in me has put together a little table comprising of all the dates / non-date dates that I have been on over the past 4 years (and honestly this kind of depresses me because if I was anywhere else in the world, I’d probably be in some sort of relationship by now)

As you can see – I’ve had a few men come my way during my stint here in the city but seriously, dating is not easy especially in Bombay ! There are layers of complexity behind any ‘relationships’ but the concept behind dating here is harder than trying to learn an alien language !

Dating is hard enough as it is – but then to have people SMS / BBM you for a date ? Jeeeeeez grow up already ! Have we lost our nerves to technology ? (that’s a whole different post altogether).

The list about pretty much covers all sorts of guys that have approached me or attempted to pursue something but somewhere along the line their game was totally off !

Anyway, you can read more about my dating escapades over the coming weeks.  I’m pretty sure you will crack up over some of the stories and also might want to smack some of the guys .. Luckily these ‘dates’ haven’t really put me off dating (as yet), and as my girl TheSingleFilez says, ‘You Gotta Be In It To Win, Right ?’