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Showing posts with label dating whats that. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating whats that. Show all posts

guest postHave you recently broken up with someone special and in need of some singles dating tips? Maybe you’ve been single for a while and need to start a new plan to find that elusive someone. Starting to date again no matter how you became single can be a little scary so here’s some top tips from one of the best online dating sites on the internet, Singles Warehouse.

Tip 1 : Sign up to a site that’s relevant to you. The internet really can help your love life. There are dating sites out there for many different things. You can find a site just for redhead dating all the way through to adult dating. If you are looking for a lasting relationship then we’d recommend that you sign up to a general site. Also sign up to one that is free to get started. You can pay later if you like what you are seeing on the site.

Tip 2:  Spend some time writing your online dating profile. This is going to play a big part in getting people to message you. If you have trouble writing about yourself consider paying for a service to help you. Without a strong profile your online dating will be short and not very sweet.

Tip 3:  Get the picture right. You need to have a strong online dating picture for sure. Most good sites allow you to upload multiple pictures to tell your story however the main picture should be you and you alone. Consider a shot of the waist up so that people can see what you look like. Attraction is also a key part to dating.

Tip 4:  Talk to everyone. Sure not everyone that messages you will be right for you however if you respond you never know where the conversation will lead…give things a chance.

If you follow those top 4 tips your be off to a flying online dating start.

warehouseSingles Warehouse is the UK and USA’s fastest growing online dating site. With over 13 million members on our network we’re bound to have the single your looking for.  Follow them on Twitter

There are many ways to meet singles … you can meet them online, you can meet them at parties, you can meet them at grocery stores or even meet them while out with your friends. But how do you know if you will enjoy each other’s company? How do you know if you have anything in common? You really don’t. You have to go through the “getting to know you” process and learn as you go along. What if I tell you that you can skip a step and meet singles that you actually have things in common with? It’s true. I’ll show you how.

There are countless ways of meeting new people, but to meet singles doing the things you love ensures you at least have some things that you share. You can either do this on your own, or there are agencies that have these events lined up that you can register for (such as Meet Market Adventures). You can meet singles while biking, hiking, taking flying lessons, going parasailing, going bowling, wine tasting or even challenging yourself to some trivia. There are countless possibilities. It gives you an alternative to the regular dating scene and you know there are like minded single people attending.

If you aren’t interested in those types of activities, you can also take a class in something you love. Not only will you learn something new and enrich yourself, you have the potential to meet singles who enjoy the same thing. Have you ever wanted to learn how to cook Indian food? Did you always wish you could speak Itsingles at gymalian? Perhaps you always wanted to become skilled at painting. Whatever it is, you will have fun and at the very least leave a bit more knowledgeable than you entered.

What other options? Well, you could join a gym or a sports team. I have met many men at the gym – it’s one of the best places to meet singles. It’s a great place to mingle with others and there’s ample opportunity to chat someone up over a barbell. Strike up a conversation with a hot guy/gal working out by asking how to use a certain machine or how best to lift certain weights. Co-ed sports are also great because you quickly develop a rapport with others in your league. At the very least you know these people care about their health and appearance which is a bonus if that’s important to you.

As you can see, there are so many fantastic ways to meet singles while doing the things you love. It’s a win-win really. The ideas above are fun, no pressure ways of keeping yourself out there and available while being true to yourself. So go out there, do what you enjoy doing … you never know, you might just meet the person of your dreams!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva for Singles Warehouse

suz appleSingle Dating Diva is a divorced 30-something from Canada who is exploring the adventures of being back in the dating world. She is discovering that it is a totally different world than she left in her 20’s. Not only is she older with a different life perspective, the men that are single are also different. They range from the spectrum of non-committal players to the desperate. She decided not to discriminate and to give everyone a chance. It has led to some interesting experiences which she shares on her blog.

Single Dating Diva is one of Singles Warehouse's original bloggers and has provided some great advice on how todivas guest blogger navigate the online dating world. Single Dating Diva has a background in Communications and Public Relations. In addition to writing her blog, she works in Health and Safety education. In her spare time she enjoys reading, trying out new restaurants, visiting museums and galleries, as well as spending time with friends and family. Follow Single Dating Diva on Twitter . And CLICK HERE to read more of her work on Singles Warehouse.

Time For A Reality Check

Did you know that Not Everyone Is Going To Like You ? Seriously.  I read this fab post written by @SingleGirlie for SinglesWarehouse and related to it (so much so that I couldn’t help pen my own thoughts on the topic- yay for inspiration – and you must read the original post like right now!)

In any relationship – whether it is with friends’, acquaintances or with a potential partner – you’ve got to realize that not everyone is going to like you the way you like them.  I’ve met more than my share of guys who indicate that they are interested but then never really follow through.  I put it down to the fact that they just don’t like me enough to come after me; AND I obviously don’t like them enough to go after them.  No one really comes out a loser in this.  I rather not waste my time or someone else's time if both are not on the same page.

If you are the outgoing type – it’s i don't like youquite unlikely that you will find your soul mate in an introvert (although it could happen but the odds are low).  The same way if a guy has a preference for busty blondes, and you are a sporty brunette or a foxy red head – unless you are willing to dye your hair blonde and opt for bust implants – it’s quite unlikely the guy is going to ask you out if he has the option of dating a busty blonde.

Dealing with ‘I Don’t Like You … Like That’

As upsetting and disheartening it is to ‘accept’ that someone doesn’t fancy you enough to commit to date or want a long term relationship with you – it’s better to cut your losses short and deal with it then and there.  Why waste time and energy trying to make someone like you ? It should be easier than that right ?

i don't like you like that_thumb[2]A few years ago, I deciphered that my persona isn’t everyone's’ cup of tea – and I’m fine with that.  I don’t want to be everyone's’ type.  I have a select group of friends; and am even more selective about the guys I date and go out with.  I’ve tried to go out with the kinda of guy that looks good on paper and has the long term potential (read marriage) but I found myself bored shitless and wanting to shoot myself to put me out of my misery.

To be fair I’m pretty sure some of the guys I’ve gone out with wished I was more domesticated / homely and less of a social butterfly.  Yeah, I said good bye to those guys pretty quickly as well.  I can’t change who I am (sure I can tone it down a notch) but I am who I am the way you are who you are.

P.S Not All Your ‘Friends’ Like You Either

You didn’t see that one coming did you ?  I’m a social person – very out going; always know people at events, restaurants, parties – hell even on the street. All of these people come up to me / or I approach them, we say hi, we sometimes hug or give each other air kisses, have a quick chat or toast a shot across the bar, even pose for photos .. you get my drift. Does that mean they all ‘like me’ ? Maybe … maybe they just ‘like me on some level’ but not on a best mates / inner circle level. Someone asked me “doesn’t it bother you?” and honestly it doesn’t. If that person meant so much to me – wouldn’t they already be a part of my inner circle ? ‘Levels of Like’ vary from person to person and that’s just a part of life. Nothing you or I can do will change that.  I rather be friends with people who accept me just the way I am than having to change my entire personality to fit in with their perception of ‘cool’.

Moving Forward – There Are Others Out There

At the end of the day – if you can accept that you are not everyone's’ type – it’s going to make life a lot easier for you.  The next time a cute guy/girl doesn’t come back for a second date or seems to pull a fade on you – don’t beat yourself up about it.  You may be dogs bollocks to those around you – but just not to that person.  And that’s okay.  You don’t need to change anything about yourself to suit the criteria of that other person.  Just be who you are and you will meet Mr / Miss Right For YOU !

My BFF @madamnatalia wrote this on her FB today and I think it’s something we should all remember :

“Everybody is not going to like you. Everybody is not going to agree with you.  Everybody can never be you.”

No two people are alike.  We can seek similar qualities, personality traits, ambitions in a person.  Your friends and your potential partner are there to complement you, guide you, bring you down when your head swells up, and most of all to tell you things straight up that no one else (other than your mother) will tell you.

Another thing is that, all of us must also learn to like ourselves (flaws et al) because once we do; then we project that confidence to those around us and thus increase the chances of others liking us for who we are (although that doesn’t necessarily mean in a romantic way). This may sound obvious and unnecessary but you’ll be surprised how many guys & girls actually suffer from low self esteem.

What are your thoughts ?

4 Signs That You Are In The Friend Zone

A few days ago I wrote about Staying Out of the Friend Zone; and really it’s quite easy to do this if you actually follow the steps.  Then I got thinking about how so many guys (and girls) don’t even realize they are already trapped in the friend zone (and that’s a hard one to get out of!)

I’ll speak for myself when I say this – once I place a man in the friend zone – he isn’t coming out of it.  It’s not like this man is now going to be my new BFF (hell! no one can replace my boys!) and he is most definitely NOT getting lucky with me either.

A woman can place a man in the friend zone for various reasons – the main one being that she’s really just not into you (physically/sexually) but you’re a great guy so she’s cool having you around.

The only reason a man puts a woman in the friend zone is because he has not physical desire for her; and doesn’t want to get into her pants. (or they are childhood buddies; she’s one of the lads to him; or she’s actually related to him in some way)

FRIEND-ZONEHere are a few red flags that should alert you to your entry and permanent place in the friend zone :

1/ Too Comfortable, Too Soon.  This can mean many things – but if you find yourself around someone who is able to divulge just about anything to you including (but not limited to) past dating history, current love/lust interests, family issues, etc. Another big red flag should be if the girl doesn’t quite care how she looks around you (think tracks, hasn’t waxed her arms/legs, no make-up) or if a guy can’t even be bothered to slap on some cologne.  These are sure signs that you are already in the Friend Zone ! 

Honest truth - I’ve never met a man that I’m interested in without having gone waxing (even if the waxing lady yells at me and tells me there isn’t enough to wax my arms / legs / bikini – I make her do it).  I will always put on some gloss / flavoured lip balm.  If I’m not getting waxed – he’s a mate / buddy and has no chance in hell getting any from me.

2/ He or She is Only Available at Their Convenience. You want to hang out but he/she is busy or cancels plans; yet you are available whenever he/she calls to hang (doesn’t matter that you are changing your plans to fit them in). If this is something you’ve noticed – then you’re in the friend zone. If a guy / girl is interested in you – they will gocancel plans out of their way to spend time with you; they will change / modify their plans to fit you in their schedule no matter how tight it is.

Your ‘friends’ understand when you have to bail on them to link up with that hottie you saw at the club.  Your friends don’t mind if you are busy whenever they have to meet up (ok fine they may give you a bit of slack but it’s not the end of the world).  But if it’s only happening in a one-sided manner – then you need to rethink how you have prioritized that man/woman in your life. 

3/ He or She Wishes Others Were Like You And Tells You This !  No brainer here.  “Oh I wish more guys were like you; you’re such a nice guy !”  “Damn girl, if only other women got me the way you do.”  Yes, it hurts to hear but this is the man/womans’ way of telling you in a really subtle manner that ‘mate you are in the friend zone – don’t try any moves on me’. 

He/She obviously likes you enough to hang around with you but there’s no sexual chemistry there.  There may be friendly chemistry which enables you to hang out together but honestly, they rather see your personality traits in someone that gives them butterflies in the tummy or a banging hard on ! 

4/ He or She Compares You to a Relative. “You’re like a brother/sister to me”. If your radar hasn’t started beeping as yet – youlike a brother might want to wake up and smell the coffee around you ‘cos you are sooooooo deep in the Friend Zone even Indiana Jones can’t get you out of there !

Seriously think about it - who the hell goes out with their brother or sister or any relative for that matter? (unless they are incestual – and you don’t want to be getting into something like that !)  Just step away from the person concerned and try your luck elsewhere – ‘cos you are never gonna tap that !

So there you have it – the 4 signs that all lead straight to the Friend Zone.  If you have any more to add (from a male / female perspective) feel free to share your thoughts.

If you need more clues – then check out what these bloggers have to say :

  1. Out of the Friend Zone : 4 Ways to Never be His “Home girl” Again ! by Samantha Menjor
  2. Top 10 signs that you are in the Friend Zone by Ngure Kajumba
  3. 6 Signs She’s Just Not That Into You by Mike Hammer

We all have a ‘type of person we are attracted to’ right ? You’ve got a type, I’ve got a type, everyone around you has a type of person they are attracted to.  That ‘type’ could be right for you or could be utterly wrong for you; and some people fall into the trap of always dating the same type of person.

I touched on this a while ago – at a certain point in ones’ life – you reach a stage where you want ‘more’ than just a relationship.  You want something more meaningful and concrete, something which has substance, and most of all, you want someone you can share your life with.  Not just for now, or for a few months – but for the long haul !

Over the past few years, especially after moving to Bombay, I’ve realized that whilst my generic ‘type’ is what I look out for on the surface level – on a deeper level I’m looking for someone who has a personality that attracts and draws me to them.  It doesn’t matter how good looking, established, ‘great-on-paper’ a person is – but if there is no substance, what’s the point ?

I’ve met a few guys who leave my mouth hanging – but the minute they open their mouth – I come back to reality and think to myself ‘jeeeeeeeez shut your gob and just be eye candy’.  It’s been harder for me to connect with guys on a deeper level the past few years than ever before.  I feel like all the guys I meet, whilst they have may fit the ‘physical type’ criteria, they lack the ‘mental chemistry’ that any relationship needs to sustain itself it.

There are guys I have met who are ‘great-on-paper’ i.e. long term potential, but they lack that certain ‘je ne sais quois’ that I look for in a life partner.  I think that has to do with ‘actual conversation’, and honestly, I find that people no longer have time to have real conversations anymore.  Some of the guys I have gone out with just lack basic conversational skills ! They are fine over email / IM / SMS (which I hate) but put them in a real-time face-to-face or phone conversation and they bore the living daylights out of me !

As clichéd as it is – everything boils down to sex – and some people are willing to forgo things like personality and conversation if the sex is good.  I can’t bring myself to continue to fornicate with someone (don’t ask why I used that word but it came to mind) if I can’t even have a decent conversation with them !

levels of attractionI’ve had this graph with me for a while now and whilst skimming over ‘Naked With Socks On’ – it all began to make sense.   You need to balance out the mental and physical attractiveness of a person and figure out if you are in the dating zone or if the person has long term potential i.e. marriage.

If you share a great vibe, physical & mental chemistry with a man or a woman AND like their personality – it doesn’t matter whether or not he/she fits in to your ‘general type’ category.  You need to say something to express yourself because you can’t rely on the man/woman to pick up on non-verbal cues or be a damn mind reader !  What’s the point otherwise ? ? It’s not so hard to open your mouth and blurt out exactly what is going on in your mind.  And if that’s too hard – email your thoughts to the person.  That gives you time to assess and break down your thoughts; and allows the other person time to actually respond in a coherent manner.  What’s the worst thing that could happen ? The person will either not respond or tell you they don’t feel the same way. 

Instead of over analysing whether an ‘x’ at the end of a text means  something or nothing; just accept it for what it is and if it’s going to lead somewhere it will.  It could be a case of serendipity. If you have the intention to ‘date’ a man/woman – then make it clear.  Talk to them and ask them out on the phone, or face to face (and for Gods’ sake do not SMS someone for a date!) If you’re already in some sort of relationship with a man/woman – discuss whether its’ exclusive or not.

Do you feel that we as a society are forgoing on actual conversations ? Would you date outside of your ‘type’ to see if you could find what’s missing ? I know that I’ve made a conscious effort to date outside of my preferred type and the more I do, the more I learn about what I do want out of a partner.  How do you weigh out physical v/s mental attraction ? Do you relate with the chart that I’ve shared above ? Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Further Reading

  1. Is your Dating ‘Type’ The Reason You Are Single ?
  2. ‘It’s Not A Date … It’s A Suggestion’ by The Hopeful Romantic
  3. What People Truly Seek While Dating ? by SingleCityGuy

Here’s an update on the Diva’s Dating Diary … So you might recall that a few weeks ago the Surgeon asked me out on a date via SMS – which he immediately followed up with a phone call and we wound up going on a dinner date the following week.

If you’ve just found your way here, lemme fill you in on what’s going on.

Who Is He

A man who befriended me on a popular social networking site.  It wasn’t until after a few BBM’s and phone convos did I discover that he was a cardiac surgeon in his mid 30’s.

The Date(s)

I have  gone out 3 times with the man.   His idea of a first date was ‘going to a nightclub’ and I promptly changed that to ‘dinner & drinks’.  I’ll be damned if I’m going to go to one of my fav clubs with a man I do not know.  Besides I don’t think shouting into each others ears makes for interesting conversation.

1st date involved dinner (he hadn’t made reservations – fail; luckily I know the management of the restaurant and tentatively made a reservation – that’s the planner in me what can I say!), a cocktail (he had to drive back & I didn’t see any reason for me to continue having a drink if he wasn’t going to) and fairly good conversation.  Date ended with a quick hug good night after he dropped me home.

2nd time we went out (it wasn’t a date as far as I am concerned) was a littlemovie date impromptu for my liking – but he had hinted at meeting up during the week based on our respective schedules.  An early bite to eat (just starters, no main, and no dessert unfortunately) followed by a movie. 

3rd time we met was for another movie which he insisted I watch despite me constantly telling him that I’d already seen that movie just a few days earlier.  I had to ‘watch it for the experience’ at this other cinema ! I went along since no tickets had been purchased and other movies were also playing but as luck had it – no other shows were available (this irritated me)  Evening ended with a really awkward  (for me) extended hug from his end which I struggled to get out of ! (I need my personal space – and how he didn’t clock on to this I don’t know!)

Side Note : Never quite understood how going to a movie is a date (unless its with a long time partner when you don’t need to say anything to one another) I don’t think I’ve ever been on a movie date with someone before and hence refuse to call these two last meetings ‘dates’.

Positives

  • Looks better than his profile picture ! Too skinny & lanky in there but he turned out to be a 6ft4' broad shouldered man.  Not hot & buff but not out of shape.  Proportionate would be the best way to describe him.
  • Punctual & Chivalrous.  He picked me up every time.  Considering this is Bombay, we live on 2 different sides of the city and its the monsoon season – it was very nice of him to do so (even though I have offered to meet him halfway)
  • He paid the bill every time.  There was none of the ‘reach’ or ‘who’s gonna pay’ or ‘shall we split the bill’ type of scenarios.  Before anyone gets started here – I am more than capable of paying my own way when I’m out, date or no-date.  It’s just refreshing to go out with someone who ‘wants to take you out’. 
  • Solid stable guy with a real grown up job

Negativeshmmm doc

  • There is no physical chemistry (which sorta takes me back to thinking is chemistry : physical or mental ? )
  • He has a Moustache. Not a trim goatee or the bad boy stubble – but a moustache. (not a big fat bushy one but this very typical Indian man ‘tash that I’m just not cool with)
  • He speaks kinda slowly (it might be articulate for some but doesn’t work for me; and its not because he is articulate – it’s because he speaks slowly)
  • He ‘mmmm hmmms’ not only in texts but in person too .. and its not a ‘hmm’ (short quick type) but sort of an extended / exaggerated ‘oh really’ type of exclamation

Diva’s Verdict

A nice guy with a lot of good things going for him but as my London gal The Single Filez says in her post ‘nice, but nothing special’ … he doesn’t quite cut it for me. 

This has been one of the topics coming up amongst my girlfriends and I; and when I read SingleCityGuy’s poll post ‘How Many Dates Does It Take To Become ‘Exclusive’ – it got me thinking about how dating is different across each country .. seriously, ‘Dating ? What’s That ?’

Dubai, UAE

There was a time back in the day – whenever I was asked out by a guy – I always ‘knew’ it was an ‘exclusive’ relationship.  Why ? ‘Cos he probably asked me to be his girlfriend.  Straight away.  This was in Dubai.  A boyfriend-girlfriend relationship could be something that lasted one week, one month, six months or even a few years.  But it was a straight forward ‘will you be my girlfriend / boyfriend’ sorta question.

Montreal, Canada

Then I went to Montreal where I learned that you could ‘see someone’, ‘date someone’ or ‘be in a relationship’ with someone.  Yeah – I kinda got confused too. 

Seeing someone meant ‘casually’ going out with different men / women for simple things like coffee / a drink – there was no physical intimacy between the two people.  Sure they may have held hands, hugged, and flirted but kissing and beyond were off-limits.  This is the gettingrelationship queue acquainted stage and you could be getting acquainted with a few different people.

‘Dating someone’ meant going out with men / women on breakfasts, lunches, dinners, cocktail parties, gallery openings etc. and having some sort of physical intimacy.  So kissing, fondling, maybe even some groping could be there but no sex. 

Being in a relationship was more exclusive because you were only having sex with that one person.  Exclusively.  No more dates on the side unless they were ‘casual friendly dates’.

London, UK

Here it was simpler I suppose – very similar to Montreal but just two levels : Seeing someone or Dating.  At least all the men I met and dated – were in exclusive relationships with me and those ranged from about 3 months to 1.5 year. 

So you could be casually seeing people (who have not been introduced to your group of friends as yet) or you were dating someone who is now a part of your social group.  When most people referred to dating someone, it usually meant that it was an exclusive relationship. which involved monogamy.

Bombay, India

This city confuses the hell out of me.  It’s like the will-you-go-out-with-meguys & girls don’t know what’s going on – almost like dating in a foreign land !   I reckon most men think that if a woman wants to exclusively date them – it means that they want to get married (sooner than later).

The guys I have come across can make a simple thing as going out and getting to know one-another the most complicated chore ever !  It’s almost like playing a game. Dating is NOT  Easy especially in Bombay !  There’s this whole other level when it comes to breaking down the dating process and I’m still trying to grasp that concept.

After coming across the above differences in dating cultures across countries – I know where I stand on dating & when to get exclusive with someone but I’d hope that the person I’m with knows that too !

For me, personally, a label / tag to what I have with someone is not really important.  It is but it’s not gonna end my world if my partner doesn’t want to ‘label’ it.  I was in a relationship of 1.5 year (which I ran away from when it ended) but we never labelled it.  We knew we were together.  Some people are comforted and more secure in ‘knowing’ that they are dating someone or in a committed relationship.

So what are your thoughts on this ?  What is the difference between seeing someone, dating someone or being in a relationship ? And how do you determine when it’s okay to be exclusive or not ? Do you have ‘the chat’ or is it just ‘understood’ ?  Have you ever asked someone if they are exclusively in a relationship with you ?

By Mike Hammer for Men's Life Today Six Signs She’s Just Not That Into You

Hey, Romeo! If your killer material gets nothing more than crickets over coffee with a girl you’ve been chasing … or if you can’t even get her to go out for coffee … it’s probably time for a reality check. That’s right: There are women out there who are impervious to your limitless charm.

Too many guys are caught up in the notion that a girl’s just playing hard-to-get if she’s not showing you love. That might sometimes be the case … or, more likely, you’re delusional. In the interests of Bro Code, we at Men’s Life Today consulted someone who’d know (a woman, and in this case, a woman who’s also a relationship expert) to identify six sure-fire signs that you’re wasting your time.

1.  You have a better relationship with her ringtone than with her.  If the only time you can ever get this girl on the phone is when you call her -- and if she seems surprised that it’s you when she finally answers -- you’ve got a bad connection! Face it: If she doesn’t call you back -- or ever call you at all -- she’s ducking you. “If you think she’s avoiding you, tell her that the next call has to come from her,” says Dr. JoAnn Magdoff, a psychologist and relationship expert. “If she doesn’t make it, you’ll have your answer.” In other words, it’s time to lose her phone number.

2.  She cuts you down with a crappy cliche.  When a woman utters the universal escape clause -- “I’m just not ready to be in a relationship” -- the most literal translation is: She’s not ready to be in a relationship with you. It could be that she’s got a lot on her plate, but in most cases, if she’s not buying what you’re selling now, she won’t be shopping in your store any time soon. “If you can hang on long enough, she might turn around,” says Magdoff. “But don't hold your breath.”

3. You can't find your way onto her calendar.

It’s easier to predict the monsoon than the next time this girl will be available to go out with you. She’s either “working late,” “gotta get up early,” “gonna be out of town,” or “giving blood.” And she always asks if she can get back to you in case she works things out at the last minute. Meaning: You’re twelfth man, and you’ll only get the call if her intended opening bowler gets injured. “These are the classic signs of being a fallback option,” Busy calendarexplains Magdoff. “The only way to capture her imagination is to show less interest in her.”

"If a girl really wants to see you, she will not only make the time for it, but also be waiting impatiently for you to set a date," says Ravina Rawal, a Cosmopolitan contributor and editor of youth magazine Noise Factory. “If she seems unavailable, it's because she's just not interested.”

No. 4: She talks dirty... but not about you.

When she describes her fantasy man, it doesn’t sound like anybody who might ever be remotely mistaken for you. Or even speak to you. “If she’s describing her fantasies to you, and you’re not in them,” warns Magdoff, “you need to be talking to someone else.”

No. 5: The next time she laughs at one of your jokes will be the first time.

If you think you’re the king of comedy but can’t command even a couple of laughs from your intended queen, it’s time to take your Charlie Chaplin act on the road. “If she’s not finding your humour or personality interesting, you need to ask yourself what you find alluring about her,” says Magdoff. “Don’t get into this because you like a challenge.” Face it, funny boy: You’re chasing after somebody who’s laughing at you, not with you! (Sorry, we always wanted to use that one.)

Red Flag No. 6: She keeps telling you that you are so perfect for her sister!

Sadly, this is only a good thing if she’s siblings with Vidya Balan. On the other hand, says Magdoff, “Maybe it’s not such a bad idea to meet her sister. Let’s face it, you’re not getting anywhere with this girl!”

Mike Hammer is a former editor of Maxim, editor in chief of Stuff, and head guy of Shock.

I recently came upon a few articles that promoted the ‘One Date Rule’ and it got me thinking. 

There’s nothing wrong with accepting a date with a man / woman who ASKS you.  By ‘ask’ I mean someone who has the balls / guts to pick up the phone and have a real conversation with you and tells you that ‘hey would you like to go out for _____ (dinner, coffee, jazz concert in the park, some sort of activity) on X Day at Y Time’.

If someone can pull up the courage (yes it takes courage to ‘ask’ someone these things) to ‘ask’ you out then you should apply the one-date rule and go out with them.  That person deserves the chance to take you out and show you what a date can really be like.  Even if that person doesn’t fall into the category of the ‘type’ of person you are attracted to.  

Side Note : according to some groups of people it is acceptable to ask someone out via email, text message, BBM, WhatsApp and even Skype ! So I guess that means you can give them a chance too.  (not that I approve this practice at all)

After all -  the guy / girl could turn out to be cuter than you remember / better than their photograph from the online dating site.  You could have the best time ever.  You could both get along like a house on fire.  You could both end up totally smitten with each other.  You might even discover your soul mate.

datingcartoon47What’s the worst thing that can happen ?  Lack of chemistry / absolutely no compatibility and therefore no chance of a 2nd date.  Or he/she could just be a more subdued (i.e boring) than their online avatar ? 

In the very rare (and extreme case) the person turns out to be some sort of psychotic serial killer who spends the evening trying to find ways to torture you.  

But you won’t know whether you are going to enjoy the date or get bored out of your mind until you actually decide to go on the date.  It doesn’t have to be a heavy duty date – just the basic first date.

So why not give it a shot – the next time someone asks you out (phone, BBM, whatsapp, text message, or email) – just be a sport and go for it.  You might just have a ton of fun, make a new friend or find a pea for your pod.  Worst case scenario – you’ll cuss me if you have a horrid time (but I can live with that) for suggesting going in the first place.

Do you have any dating rules that you follow ? Have you perhaps applied the ‘one date rule’ at some point in your dating history ?

Further Reading :

  1. The One Date Rule : Why I’ll Go Out With Anyone Who Asks Me by Chiara Atik
  2. The One Date Rule, Revisited: Why You Should Always Go on That First Date by Chiara Atik
  3. To Feign Interest or Cut Him Off At the Knees ? by Mishi
  4. The Basics by Simone Grant 

Less than 1% of sperm is capable of fertilizing an egg. The rest is warrior sperm, there to block any rival’s sperm.

-Robin Baker. Sperm Wars: The Science of Sex. Fourth Estate. 1996.

I found myself on ‘MetAnotherFrog’ the other day and came across a guest post by Charlie titled ‘Full Frontal Nerdity - Vol 1’ … that’s right Nerdity and not Nudity !!! I had to check it twice as well.

So anyway, we all know what happens when a man ejaculates right ? He lets out his baby-making sperm.  BUT did you know that all men produce THREE types of sperm that each have a different role upon ejaculation ??? Yeah I’m blown away too – not one type – three types of sperm – who would have thought ?!!

Type 1 :  Blockers

Charlie refers to them as the sperm with funny shaped heads or squiffy tails who are a bit lame and that will never make it to the egg.  They will get as far as the cervix and then form a barrier by blocking the channels. This prevents another man’s sperm from a clear run into the womb.  And for those rival sperms that do manage to pass the blockers – they got to watch out for the Killers !

Type 2 :  Killers or Warriors

killer spermCharlie refers to them as the school yard bullies.  These sperm are the soldiers of the spermiverse and patrol the border of the uterus looking for rivals (i.e. sperm from another man that are identified by the different proteins on the head)

Now think of a bunch of a piranhas ripping and tearing apart their next meal – yup that’s what the killer sperm does when they find a rivals’ sperm left behind. 

Type 3 : The Quarterback or The Scorer

Finally, the most respected of all sperms – the ones that the Blockers and Killers are providing defense line for – the Scorer sperm or quarterback as Charlie calls them.  These are the goal getters who are on a sole mission – race to the finish line to score and fertilize thus making them a part of the 1% of successful sperms in spermiverse !!

Bet you didn’t know any of that huh ? I wonder what Biology class would have been like had we discussed the types of sperm a man can have !!

Also Check Out :

Over the last few weeks I’ve really been wanting to put some perspective on the dating scene in Bombay or Mumbai (whatever you want to call it). I initially brought it up in ‘Dating ? What’s That ?’ and then hashed it out in ‘Dating is Not Easy .. Especially in Bombay’ which is when I realized that I needed to put more depth to it .. Of course I could have been completely biased so I went and got a male perspective too ‘Exploring the Unknown World of Dating .. Still’ and sorta broke things down further …

A few weeks ago – as if by miracle – I found an article titled ‘Dating In A Foreign Land’ on the Hindustan Times Blog written by a social networking associate of mine – Naomi Canton. She heads an Expat Group in Bombay and is a pretty cool chick.

side note : I had already titled my blog post with the same name and then I found her post – so had to add the Bombay bit to it)

Every city / country has their own perception of what is and what does not constitute dating. The potpourri that I am – it’s no wonder that the dating dynamics of Bombay have me confused !!!

In the UK and Canada – dating or being in a relationship is defined by the physical side of the relationship. You can consider yourself dating / being in a relationship with someone if from the outset there is an emotional connection and physical attraction between two people. You meet a perfect stranger and realize there’s this ‘chemistry’ or ‘unknown connection’ that draws you to them and you go out on a ‘date’ and that results in a ‘more dates’ and within a few ‘dates’ the two of you are in a relationship.

I have never known any of my friends to get involved in relationships with each other – because if you are already ‘friends’ then its highly unlikely that two people from the same friends circle will ever get together. It’s a big fat ‘ewww’ if you ask me.

In India – at least in Bombay – it’s a bit different. The local born and brought up guys and girls; men and women of Bombay - don’t quite seem to catch the drift of the concept of dating. They all want to …

1. Be Friends …. yes .. Friends First

So … what’s wrong with that ? Nothing to some – and a bit weird for someone like me. I LIKE the idea of ‘not dating a friend’ because it allows me to get to know somebody outside my social circle. It’s a nice feeling to be with someone who accepts you for who you are ‘before you’ve become friends’ so that you can both grow together in a relationship as a couple.

I’ve met people – who have been friends for 5+ years and have started dating perhaps a few years into the friendship; which in turn has resulted some relationships to last a few years (literally) and eventually ends in ..

  1. Marriage.
    • That’s wonderful – for them. For me – that’s like saying ‘oh marry your best mate’ AND that is a crazy idea !! I love my boys to bits but could never see myself marrying them. I’d hope that my potential partner has similar qualities to them but he’d never ‘be them’.
  2. They break-up but stay good friends.
    • And I really mean ‘friends’. I know of one such ‘separated couple’ who are still in regular (almost weekly) contact and have even travelled together as a part of a larger group which I was a part of.
  3. They break-up and cut each other out.
    • Yes it’s normal to cut off from your ex to avoid all the heart ache and drama. No more needs to be said.

2. Be Acquaintances with Benefits. Not even ‘friends’ with benefits.

There is no grey matter. It’s black or white. Of course that’s not true – there is a very small percentage (based on my network of friends, acquaintances & clients) of people who fall in the obvious grey matter. But you get my drift. (in my world – there are no ‘friends’ with benefits – that’s just a polite way to associate someone you are hooking up with)

The trend here (and I speak from personal experience) is that these guys and girls often end up in the following situations :

  1. Struck Out After A Date / 2nd Base.
    • You meet at a bar or party. Exchange Numbers. Strike a conversation via SMS (yes SMS is apparently the way to communicate with a member of the opposite sex); or even BBM (seriously how can a BBM exchange be considered a way to flirt?)
    • You meet up again on what appears to be a ‘date’. Spend a lot of time with each other. Nothing happens. Implication : He’s a gent. She’s comes from a respectable family.
    • You meet up again and the same thing happens. The chemistry is there – both of you can see it – but neither does anything about. Girl doesn’t make a move in case the Guy thinks she’s too forward or *gasp* ‘easy’. Boy doesn’t make a move ‘cos he’s trying to be a gent (erm really?); he’s not sure if she wants him to make a move on her; he wants to but doesn’t want a slap in the face !
    • Next scenario is that both of you do get to doing all that is pleasurable i.e. foreplay but never get any real ‘action’. That’s because the Girl wants to appear casual but really she isn’t going to sleep with the guy until she knows he’s going to establish a relationship. The Guy gets stuck in a catch 22 because he wants to do her – but out of respect (and not wanting to be thrown out with blue balls) – he obliges and doesn’t pursue the ‘action’ partbootycall1 of it hoping that the next time round – he will get some. This can keep going on until both parties admit they want to have sex !
  2. The Hook Up aka The Booty Call.
    • The chemistry is there from the moment you both laid eyes on each other but alas you are acquaintances and there are social norms to be followed.
    • So weeks / months of seeing each other at parties / social gatherings – one of you makes the move; and behold – you have the hook up !
    • He / She could be your hook up / booty call as often or as little as you like. Neither has intentions of being serious – but damn it – at least there’s someone who wants YOU for the day / night.
  3. Wham Bham Thank You Sir / Ma’am.
    • I’ve seen this happen – at clubs – not very often but enough to have caught my attention.
    • You can tell from the look on the person that all they want is a shag and that’s all its ever gonna be.
    • You will probably never see this person again – because he/she is not in your regular social circle.

3. Be Stuck In Limbo … Neither Here or There

This is the classic one that I’ve discovered. People are stuck in limbo. These tend to be guys & girls who would be considered a good catch to date – however they have a few unresolved issues within themselves.

  1. Mixed Emotions / Signals.
    • The guy or girl appears interested and just when you are fed up of ‘not knowing’ whether or not there is any chemistry they drop a bomb on you.
    • The bomb tends to be ‘I’m not too sure what I want right now’ or ‘I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship’ … you get my drift.
  2. Too Much Too Soon
    • We’ve all been eager at times; perhaps too eager … so much so that it drives other people away.
    • I’ve noticed this happen a lot in Bombay – guys / girls who are just too overtly keen on someone and end up becoming more of a nuisance than someone to consider for good company !
    • The intention is meant to be positive – but the result tends to fall as a negative … and so that leaves this guy / girl in a permanent state of limbo !
  3. Marriage is the Goal
    • This guy or girls’ purpose in life is to get married. They have been raised with the thought ‘you must get married and settle down’ which is instilled into everything they do. They want a solid relationship. They also don’t know dating is about.
    • So a potentially great guy / girl who wants a commitment – but won’t commit to the basics of dating as the certainty of a long term established commitment is not there.
    • Isn’t that a catch 22 – how can you marry someone that you’ve not dated right ? (at least for me!)

After 3 years of living in Bombay, this is how I can summarize the dating scene (or lack of) in the city. I may be generalizing but based on comments on my previous posts – it’s not limited to Bombay – it appears to be a nationwide epidemic !

Somewhere in between all of the above – of course there are people who actually manage to date and develop relationships. I’m not saying its not possible – I’m just saying that it’s bloody hard to do it !! Like Naomi – I have found myself in a situation where the guy wasn’t quite sure what we had going on; to anyone else we would have been dating / seeing each other – to him – we were hanging out and being casual ! Some people are just confused – but that’s life eh =P

What are your thoughts on this ? I’d really like to hear different perspectives on this subject. Looking forward to your comments and feedback on this.

A very dear friend of mine – who’s an absolute charmer with a Capital C – sent me this post after reading my post ‘Dating ? What’s That ? and I have to share it with you all here in Blogosphere. Enjoy the Guest Post and Happy Reading !

An adorable, adorable, gorgeous girl has sparked this one ..and I am just tempted to put all those thoughts out there. I just read her blog and one of her recent blogs; spoke about Dating! Dating in a city of dreams, Mumbai. Her blog was more about the whole concept than the city scenario and I was captivated, so here I am, spilling my beans….

She mentioned this and I am just reiterating it, Dating has a different meaning for different people. In a city like ours, where colleagues become friends and friends sometimes become partners, it can get pretty complicated. In a fairly active social life, you end up meeting a lot of people, almost everyone that you meet (Single people of course) either look at you like a loser ( guy/girl) or as someone with some potential. Really that’s about it, these are really the only two extreme set of classifications people have, in the beginning of course!!!

Once you get to know the person it’s a different scenario all together. The challenge for me has always been about the start, When do I start dating? Am I ready for it? What am I really looking for? Am I too old for dating? Isn’t it about time I start seeing someone cause I do wanna get married soon …but how can I see that person if I haven’t dated her yet? Even before I meet someone, I have already gone through these zillion questions in my head, with answers that only lead to some more questions and some more ….

So at some point I stop trying and finding answers, I just ‘Go with the flow’. Meet someone, go out for coffee/ movie/ dinner…wondering if I should hold her hand and make her feel like my date and not just another friend, should I peck her on the cheek and promise to call her…or should I just “Go with the flow”….God wondering what is really right to do…..

I have to say this, Facebook has simply changed the way Dating used to be. One evening out with the person and the next day both the individuals are logging on to FB checking their pictures, likes, dislikes, comments etc….It’s like someone gave them a chance to peep into the other persons entire life.…..Initially I have to admit, I loved the idea… but over a period of time I realized it made things too easy, it made things too comfortable, It made the chase too easy ….even before you realized,…..you were a couple!!!!! What I realize only now is that it also made her and mine exit easy too…even before moments of silence, moments of awkwardness, fights….we were Single again!!!

I am obviously not blaming FB for anything, just supporting my situation with some make belief facts…While I struggle to convince myself with similar facts, I made some rules for myself for the unknown journey….I made some rules that’ll define me…I made some rules that’ll let me be me…..

  1. Be yourself…. no matter how ugly she looks or how pretty she is…be yourself
  2. Don’t hold back anything, if you want to say it….Say It…….let her do the same ( only if she wants too of course)

No rules beyond these two seem logical to me at any point, honestly it hasn’t got me too much luck but hey what the hell at least I don’t have a guilt to live with. So here I am writing all this, hoping to be back in the world of Dating once again….actually I am not really sure about….but what the Heck….’Let’s just Go with the flow’.

Happy Reading….and incase you are heading where I am …Wish you luck…I know I need it!!!

You say one Love, One life …when all you really need, is just one night !!!....

AS A.S comes from a Public Relations background and those of you from Mumbai might have seen his 6ft frame at a very popular night club in the city.

His blog is called ‘My Enclosure’ where he’s still discovering ways to find a space all for himself.

I’ve come to conclude that it’s actually damn near impossible for an expat or an NRI to ‘date’ in Bombay ! (in my personal opinion)

It just doesn’t happen. It’s as if the concept of dating does not exist or has not existed in this city. I look around me and see couples and I wonder – how did they start dating ? I’ve even asked a few of them and the response tends to be pretty generic ..

‘we went to school / college together and had the same friends and one day we were a couple’

‘we met in college, became friends and now we’re a couple’

‘we lived in the same building / neighbourhood – saw each other a lot – and we’re now together’

Give me a break here – that’s not dating – that’s just settling with someone you are comfortable with i.e. your friend ! (and I say that without any disrespect). Maybe these people felt shy to tell me about the actual dating process – but the more I hear stories like this – the more I come to believe that dating does not exist at all in this city. It may sound cliché – but it’s true. All the ‘married couples’ I know have ‘dated this way’.

At the end of the day – it comes down to peoples’ perception of dating. In my last post ‘Dating ? What’s That ? – I tried to look at various view points of dating – and the comments that the post received were honestly – just phenomenal !

Dating can be quite a simple thing – but after living here for 3 years – it seems to be the most complicated concept that anyone has come across ! It’s not like I don’t meet men – in fact I know way too many people – and despite that I’ve not met anyone I really want to ‘date’ nor have I been too impressed by the ‘supposed dates’ I have been on.

When I do meet guys with dating potential – it’s as if I’ve been thrown into the twilight zone and somehow have to decipher hidden messages and just ‘know’ what my next move ought to be. Seriously – you can’t get to know a person over ‘text messages’ or ‘BBM’ .. you have to meet someone and take the time to get to know them … but in Bombay even that concept is a myth ! (ironic considering majority of the locals are all in relationships with their friends)

Fair enough – we all have a busy life and schedule to follow – but would it kill a guy / girl to take a few minutes out of their day to pick up the phone and have a chat with someone they are interested in ?? Technology doesn’t make dating easier – it makes it harder (but that’s another post altogether)

I’m not a 5 year old – I don’t play mind games – it’s as simple as ‘hey I like you and want to get to know you’ … but alas this city doesn’t make it easy for me .. Every time I have expressed interest in a man who has clearly shown the initial interest in me – it’s like ‘poof’ – he suddenly becomes a chameleon and it’s as if we don’t know each other. I thought it was just me – but no – conversations with other friends (men and women) have proven thdih021at this ‘poof act’ is not restricted to any gender and applies across the board.

I’m confident enough in myself not to ‘need’ the label of ‘boyfriend / girlfriend’ – it would be nice to know though if one is ‘dating’ someone … Cos sure enough – I know people who think they are dating someone only to find that its been a ‘friend thing’ … Come on ! At least clarify whether or not one is in the friend zone or not ! My blogger buddy SingleCityGuy got it spot on when he said ‘be clear about what you are seeking’

Just when I begin to get the faith back in men who might know what dating is – I end up thinking ‘WTF just happened’ !! From a female perspective – I’ve noticed that every time I have taken an initiative with a man (after his initial expression of interest) – it’s as if they become ‘weary’ and ‘unsure’ of what they want.

I get that we all enjoy the chase – men and women both – but seriously shouldn’t one gender stop to get caught ? At least it will help determine if the chase was worth it !!! (and save both parties time and energy)

What are your thoughts ? If you live in Bombay or surrounding areas – what do you think ? Are you an expat in Bombay and having trouble dating ? Or have you found yourself thinking you’re on a date but it’s really not a date ? Don’t worry – it’s called the ‘Non-Date Date’ … Nando has dissected this theory with his post The Non-Date Date Illusion and I’ve come to realize that’s what tends to happen when a girl and a guy get to together (at least here) – it’s a non-date date with the precautionary safety net of the friend-zone !

Side Note : I haven’t gone into the various areas of dating here – but from the looks of it – I will have to do that. Just read a fabulous article and it’s perfect for what I have in mind !

Oh and if you aren’t from Bombay or even from India – please don’t let that stop you from leaving a comment. Dating is NOT easy anywhere in the world – I’m smart enough to realize that. Times have changed. People have changed. Perceptions have changed. I just believe it’s perhaps 10 times harder to date in Bombay or in India - especially for an expat or NRI.

Do make sure you mention where you are from (city/country) and what you feel about the dating culture over there. Is it easy ? Is it difficult ? How many dates before you meet Mr or Ms Right ? Or is dating just over-rated ?