Self Advice

By | 19:11 1 comment

Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. Mary Wortley Montagu


I came across this quote a few days ago and had even applied it to my FaceBook status update.  I found myself agreeing to this quote quite  a lot.  Even funnier so was that I was almost ‘admitting’ to all out there on FB world that apparently I’m incapable of taking some of my own ‘good’ advice.  Even more ironic is the fact that there are quite a few people within my social circle who tend to talk to me about any personal / work related hang-ups, or issues; or come to me to vent as such.


As an individual, I am very laid back.  I take things as they are – for face value – and avoid passing judgement on the actions or words of an individual until I can verify my doubts myself.  I am an open book to those who care to read into the chapters, pages and paragraphs that me the person that I am today.  For those who are cursory readers and are just shifting to pass time; they find themselves drawn back every now and then – after enjoying their experience of discovering me.


The men and women that I know – I feel - can comfortably have a conversation with me about just any topic under the sun.  My openness to people and attitude stems from the fact that in the past 27 years; my first breath was taken in a London, UK hospital; during my developing years I attended 3 different schools (junior, middle & high school) all of which were of different teaching styles (British, Indian & International syllabus!) in Dubai, UAE; went to university in Montreal, Canada, ; started my career in London, UK and have spent the last 1.5 years in Mumbai, India. 


I am a Hindu Punjabi girl, born to a Punjabi father & Marwadi mother; hold a British passport and nationality; lived in 4 different countries and continents; travelled & visited 13 countries and 54 cities across continents.  I speak, read & write French and Arabic better than Hindi (which I can only speak BTW although I did try to learn it during one of my summer vacations)


During the years of 18 and 25 I have lived away from home, away from my parents, and in two different continents – university and my career.  I moved to India recently (emotional black mail from my mom) to look at a bigger market for my career; enjoy living back at home and just getting spoiled after slogging my ass off the last few years; and for the sake of avoiding conflicts – as far as my mother goes – me living at home – gives her and my maternal relatives the chance to ‘get me married’ !


I have truly grown up as a multi-cultural individual.  This makes me different.  Sometimes a stand-out from the crowd.  I’m a brown person in the land of my roots and origins of ancestors; and any local within a 20 foot radius of me would be able to point-me-out and tell you that I was a ‘foreigner’, ‘not really Indian’, ‘NRI’.  I swear – it’s like a giant invisible stamp that everyone but I can see ! LOL


Maybe it’s the clothes.  Or the accent.  Quite likely it could be my accent.  As soon as I open my mouth to speak Hindi – it’s this quasi Indian with a twang of Brit & Canadian coming out – getting genders mixed up. Although I must admit, when I’m at my angriest best – my Hindi is pretty much on the ball and about 100% accurate – especially with the swear words hehe.  Most recently I was told it could be the style of my hair-cuts (I tend to experiment – not drastically but enough to draw some attention hehe)


The point of all this background waffle is for you to just get a bit of an understanding of how and where I grew up.  I’ll leave it to your imagination to just try and figure out the adventures I must have grown up with =)  


Please feel free to take a break and just think about my life and what it must have been like growing up.  Also this looks like it’s going to be a long post – so a great time for bathroom / coffee / stretch break !

Now that you’ve had a few minutes to digest all that I’ve had to say … you can probably see why my friends come to me for advice or just to have a tete-a-tete or a pure out-and-out bitching session.  One of my mates MD from London calls me ‘Doc’ .. I think it suits me sometimes ! (although I would never be able to be a surgical doctor – couldn’t cut someone up !)


So how does all of this relate to the quote that I like ?? 

Basically – I am the type of person who looks at breaking down a problem; looking at it from both perspectives and I’ll play devils’ advocate – I won’t just say something just because you want to hear it – that’s not what friends do.   When talking to a friend about their problems – this works well and shows them another perspective to the issue and helps them assess their own feelings again.


Now if I have to solve my ‘own problems’ – wow that’s another story altogether.  Due to my methodology described above – and if I’m unable to get in touch of my own handful of problem solvers (I love these guys & gals to bits!) – then I’m left to my own devices which means I am often unable or even incapable of taking my own advice !!


How it works is that – I will end up having a conversation all by myself – and like a tennis volley – will banter through both parties thoughts and vocalise this to myself.  Instead of me necessarily bringing the point up with the person that I’m having a problem with – I would have debated and hashed it out by myself – and thus also have managed to refrain from creating any bad blood between that person and I.

Sometimes this works wonders for me.  It’s easier especially when you can be assured that the other person is never actually going to understand your view point because they are mentally just not ready to accept anything beyond their personal experiences and understanding.   Sometimes obviously this is not the best way to deal with things especially here in Mumbai at least – the locals love a good gossip – so really this just gives that person an added reason to splash some gossip on you or the issue between the two of you. 


I may not care about it – but then I get told off by my more sensible friends such as PK that I shouldn’t give anyone reason to gossip about me anyway.  But I honestly just don’t care.  That  person is quite unlikely to be in my TOP 10 Friend List right if they were gossiping about me !!??!!

At other times – especially when the issue or problem for me is more tilted towards any sort of ‘emotion’ and any emotion pertaining towards a man that I might be interested in – and I mean ‘really’ interested and not one of those ‘oh he’s quite hot men’; then I am a complete and absolute chicken-shit ! 


It’s not that I can’t go up to men and talk to them or lay out my intentions and even emotions.  I can do that.  It’s just sometimes – well most recently this happened – where I was just not able to take my  own advice.  I don’t know how or why !  It was like I just wanted to avoid all the tension and drama involved with battling out emotions !

Most men are just not ready to accept and deal with someone else’s emotion towards them because they haven’t had time to assess their own emotional stability levels from whatever scars that remain from past relationships; or whatever burried insecurity issues they might be withholding.


Although eventually I did pick up the phone and call the man that was causing me to go through an emotional roller coaster ride – I made sure that PK was on the other line with me just keeping my conversation in check.   The final issue was resolved over MSN (hey I  never said it had to be done on the phone or in person hehe and this guy lives overseas); and PK (bless her!) was on the phone with me still – telling me – stay calm, it’s a stupid reason but stay calm !! and then she says ‘just tell him how you feel, let it out of your system and end the conversation’

And that’s exactly what I did.  So now my self-advice to myself is having an internal debate on the fact that the man in question has not really acknowledged what I’ve had to say to him; we have spoken again a few times but it’s not come up; his reasons could be a plenty – between his business and some personal commitments – perhaps he hasn’t got the time; maybe he has thought about it and doesn’t quite know what to do about it; maybe he thinks I’m completely loopy; or maybe he didn’t even realise what I told him since our whole conversation was really about an arguement we’d both had.  Do I call him and ask him about it; do I write to him and ask him ? Should I bother bringing it up ?  Or just not bother at all ?  Maybe I’ll just wait a few weeks and give him some breathing space to deal with our fight and what we discussed as well.  But then is that waiting too long ?

Personally I rather get it out of my system right now and call him and tell him.  But …… but …. I might fumble my words on the phone !  And I don’t know when the hell he would check his email.  Actually he would check it – but his response is most likely to be on an MSN conversation or on text message.  He’s a complex character – maybe he needs just a bit more time.  I did send him a DVD of his brother’s wedding – he’d messaged me a few days ago to let me know he received it and would watch it when he got a chance.  Still not heard back about that either – then again haven’t had internet connection for two days now.


Now do you see what I mean ?? I can play devils’ bloody advocate quite well and hence at this very moment – am quite incapable of taking my own advice =(


Adolfo said...

I'm actually a big fan of quotes and find some of them to be truly inspiring.

You come from quite an interesting background. It was actually nice to read about it.

“You can be assured that the other person is never actually going to understand your view point because they are mentally just not ready to accept anything beyond their personal experiences and understanding.”

I find this to be pretty accurate with most people.