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I’ve come to conclude that it’s actually damn near impossible for an expat or an NRI to ‘date’ in Bombay ! (in my personal opinion)

It just doesn’t happen. It’s as if the concept of dating does not exist or has not existed in this city. I look around me and see couples and I wonder – how did they start dating ? I’ve even asked a few of them and the response tends to be pretty generic ..

‘we went to school / college together and had the same friends and one day we were a couple’

‘we met in college, became friends and now we’re a couple’

‘we lived in the same building / neighbourhood – saw each other a lot – and we’re now together’

Give me a break here – that’s not dating – that’s just settling with someone you are comfortable with i.e. your friend ! (and I say that without any disrespect). Maybe these people felt shy to tell me about the actual dating process – but the more I hear stories like this – the more I come to believe that dating does not exist at all in this city. It may sound cliché – but it’s true. All the ‘married couples’ I know have ‘dated this way’.

At the end of the day – it comes down to peoples’ perception of dating. In my last post ‘Dating ? What’s That ? – I tried to look at various view points of dating – and the comments that the post received were honestly – just phenomenal !

Dating can be quite a simple thing – but after living here for 3 years – it seems to be the most complicated concept that anyone has come across ! It’s not like I don’t meet men – in fact I know way too many people – and despite that I’ve not met anyone I really want to ‘date’ nor have I been too impressed by the ‘supposed dates’ I have been on.

When I do meet guys with dating potential – it’s as if I’ve been thrown into the twilight zone and somehow have to decipher hidden messages and just ‘know’ what my next move ought to be. Seriously – you can’t get to know a person over ‘text messages’ or ‘BBM’ .. you have to meet someone and take the time to get to know them … but in Bombay even that concept is a myth ! (ironic considering majority of the locals are all in relationships with their friends)

Fair enough – we all have a busy life and schedule to follow – but would it kill a guy / girl to take a few minutes out of their day to pick up the phone and have a chat with someone they are interested in ?? Technology doesn’t make dating easier – it makes it harder (but that’s another post altogether)

I’m not a 5 year old – I don’t play mind games – it’s as simple as ‘hey I like you and want to get to know you’ … but alas this city doesn’t make it easy for me .. Every time I have expressed interest in a man who has clearly shown the initial interest in me – it’s like ‘poof’ – he suddenly becomes a chameleon and it’s as if we don’t know each other. I thought it was just me – but no – conversations with other friends (men and women) have proven that this ‘poof act’ is not restricted to any gender and applies across the board.

I’m confident enough in myself not to ‘need’ the label of ‘boyfriend / girlfriend’ – it would be nice to know though if one is ‘dating’ someone … Cos sure enough – I know people who think they are dating someone only to find that its been a ‘friend thing’ … Come on ! At least clarify whether or not one is in the friend zone or not ! My blogger buddy SingleCityGuy got it spot on when he said ‘be clear about what you are seeking’

Just when I begin to get the faith back in men who might know what dating is – I end up thinking ‘WTF just happened’ !! From a female perspective – I’ve noticed that every time I have taken an initiative with a man (after his initial expression of interest) – it’s as if they become ‘weary’ and ‘unsure’ of what they want.

I get that we all enjoy the chase – men and women both – but seriously shouldn’t one gender stop to get caught ? At least it will help determine if the chase was worth it !!! (and save both parties time and energy)

What are your thoughts ? If you live in Bombay or surrounding areas – what do you think ? Are you an expat in Bombay and having trouble dating ? Or have you found yourself thinking you’re on a date but it’s really not a date ? Don’t worry – it’s called the ‘Non-Date Date’ … Nando has dissected this theory with his post The Non-Date Date Illusion and I’ve come to realize that’s what tends to happen when a girl and a guy get to together (at least here) – it’s a non-date date with the precautionary safety net of the friend-zone !

Side Note : I haven’t gone into the various areas of dating here – but from the looks of it – I will have to do that. Just read a fabulous article and it’s perfect for what I have in mind !

Oh and if you aren’t from Bombay or even from India – please don’t let that stop you from leaving a comment. Dating is NOT easy anywhere in the world – I’m smart enough to realize that. Times have changed. People have changed. Perceptions have changed. I just believe it’s perhaps 10 times harder to date in Bombay or in India - especially for an expat or NRI.

Do make sure you mention where you are from (city/country) and what you feel about the dating culture over there. Is it easy ? Is it difficult ? How many dates before you meet Mr or Ms Right ? Or is dating just over-rated ?

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To bring you up to date with this post – I must give you some background first for you to understand where I’m coming from on this.

Rewind to 12th – 15th Feb

Went over to a mates place for his birthday; the party was in full swing – everyone was having a great laugh and I was the only one not drinking as I was on antibiotics. During the course of the evening; I got chatting with this guy – who my cousin has labeled as ‘Smiley’ and we got along but weren’t getting along. Why ? Every time he spoke to me, our conversation would get cut short by someone else coming over to talk to me. It was only after the host actually told me what this man does (owns a leisure club) that I told the guy (yes yes I know – I actually said this to him) that now I can give him my full attention since we could both be useful to each other when it comes to work.

Moving along in the evening; the two of us stepped out in to the stairwell for a drink and to get away from the blaring Indian music. He’s having a smoke (the other kind) and the following conversation takes place at some point ....

Smiley - So what would you do if I leaned over and kissed you right now ?

Dazediva – Erm I’d slap you. I don’t know you. And besides, if you were going to do that – don’t you think you should just do that instead of telling me you’re going to kiss me. Either way – I’d have slapped you. We don’t even know each other.

Smiley – But you’re still sitting here and talking to me instead of walking away.

Dazediva – yeah I’m chilling; enjoying my drink and getting away from the music for a bit. If you like – I can go inside or go to my car for English music that they won’t let me put on inside.

We have sat there for a bit longer and the topic of exchanging numbers comes about. His phone is in the apartment – and he is under the impression I won’t give him my number. I tell him I will do. We do end up exchanging numbers. I save him as Smiley (as I honestly couldn’t remember his name at the time)

That same night he’s sent me a few messages which included ‘Good Night – we’ll meet again again – do you want to talk’. I must have said it was too late or was crashing. The next day I asked for his email address so I could send him the pics from the party or add him on FB so he can see the pics – to which he did reply and sent me his details.

About 2 days later he sends me a message telling me that he’s seen the pics and invites me to his club for dinner whenever I am free. I’ve replied along the lines that I’m traveling and if it works for him – then after a week once I’m back. It works for him – he asks where I’m going and says to let him know when I’m back so we can catch up then; even tells me that I sound excited about my holiday and to call when I get back.

Fast Forward to A Few Days Ago

Mind you – this boy and me have not been in touch the entire time I was out of town. I kept my word. I sent him a message to let him know that I was back. He replies telling me that it sounds like I had a blast and ‘so whenever you are free – lets catch up ..’

I asked him how he was placed for the weekend / or coming week as I was still figuring out my schedule after my break. A few hours later he’s replied saying he’s only just read my message and how does Saturday sound. I told him that it works (unless a disaster strikes lol) to which he reply came across as quite strong .. ‘Cool. Will call you. Keep yourself free’. This was all over text messages on 4th March.

On Saturday – he gives me a call to check if we’re still on for dinner. Asks me where I live. The common problem in Bombay is that everyone lives on opposite ends of the city. This instance is no different. On the phone he asks if its a problem for me to get to his side of the city for dinner; and then we’ll go hang out his friends place. I’ve already mentioned that I have to go to a party after dinner / drinks and he’s welcome to join if he wants and so can his friend.

So I trek over to the other side of the world – and it really feels like a different place with the roads getting narrower; and more and more trucks and rickshaws on the road ! His receptionist shows me the entire club (that I thought was a bit weird since he could have also done this); and leaves me at his office.

He’s gone on to show me the restaurant area which was gorgeous but since there were no free tables – he suggested we have drinks in his office. Not too much of an issue for me. However I did make fun of the fact that he sat behind this huge desk the entire time we were having drinks whilst I was sat on the couch bang opposite. Eventually I moved on to the bean bag next to the couch but still – it was kinda odd as I felt like I was ‘drinking at an interview’ hahah

The two of us kept up a great conversation – listening to him was like hearing a male version of me as he’s also grown up in a relatively international environment. Eventually – he calls to order dinner – make it a take away and then head to his friends’ place in my car (at least he wasn’t irresponsible about drinking & driving – and I had a driver for the night) to chill out and have a few drinks there.

Whilst in the elevator on the way up to her flat – this man has started saying something; stopped; and just moved towards me in what appears to be an attempt to kiss me. I’m already backed up against the damn elevator so can’t do much else but laugh, move my face and ask what he’s doing. He ended up kissing my chin. There’s no further mention of this – there is no awkwardness – it was taken and dealt with in stride if I say so myself.

The friend was a super chilled out girl with a gorgeous apartment and a lovely hostess. We sat around the three of us – had a few drinks and made plans to head over to this other party; which turned out to be just as much fun and we all had a good evening. I didn’t spend much time individually with either of them – but we all were chatting and getting to know the other people at the party as well.

End of the night – we all say good night – I drop them to a cab. I was pretty done for the night (the two weeks of daily partying caught up to me) and I leaned out of my window to hug the guy good night. Get home; he’s sent me a message checking if I had a good time and vice versa and then asks if he can call me. I was shattered and passing out – so I said no and that we’ll chat the following day.

Sunday was super hectic for me with family commitments - and it was on Monday that I realized just what a RANDOM night I’d had. And after reading about the Non-Date Date (which totally reminded me of banker boy haha) – I’m wondering WTF just happened over the weekend ??? Was it a date ? A date with a friend / potential business contact ? Or a date according to him which I put a stop to with my movements in the elevator ? Or did I imagine it to be a date and it turned out not to be one ? That just goes to show how long its been since I’ve been on a date !

SingleCiyGuy has written about the Beauty of Non-Date Dates; and Nando has dissected this theory with his post The Non-Date Date Illusion .. Lost Plum has a fab outlook to it and compares this to Kool Aid ! and I’m pretty sure Simone Grant has something to say on this too but I can’t find the post on her blog (she’s still moving her things over from Sugar.com)

Would love to hear your thoughts on this one ! Regardless of whether or not it was a date or non-date date – it turned out to be a lot of fun; just more random than what I would have expected but hell that’s what life is about right ? Besides what the hell is dating ?