looking for love losing love finding hope people's experiences people's perceptions reflecting on relationships reflections on life relationships signs that don't make sense to love again

It’s very difficult for me to convey my emotions … but I’m going to try as it’s been eating me up inside ..

We met just over a year & a half ago and there was an electric flash that caused some sort of instant connection.  That’s the best way to describe the feeling that overpowered me.  There was not a day (or night) that went by when we didn’t meet each other.  Some of my friends thought it was obsessive almost – but I didn’t care – I was blindly happy.

I did a fair amount of traveling between 2009 & 2010 and we always travelled together – even when I was going for work related trips.  Nothing seemed to keep us apart.  My friends and family got used to you as a permanent additional attachment to me and everyone around me just came to accept that this was a package deal for them. 

It’s true, that not everyone can be genuinely happy for someone else .. and I started to believe that when things suddenly started to change.  Some say that perhaps I took it for granted that all would be hunky dory; others say that you got tired of being judged.

It would cut me up to see you get drained out halfway through the day / night.  There were times you would just switch off to the world; and I got tired of explaining ‘why’ you were behaving this way.  I was so relieved when you went away for the pampering sessions I got for you; it filled me with hope that you would come back as your old sharp shooting self … but there was still some sort of strain weighing you down.

I’d never seen this side of you.  My friends told me, in fact even warned me, that I should just let go before its too late; before I really get hurt .. but I couldn’t just give up on what we had … You were not as wild as when we first met, there was a sudden cautiousness about you .. I found myself looking out for you when you were in the company of strangers lest they saw your mood swings … Somewhere deep down in my heart – I knew that you were sick – that you were just trying to keep up a brave facade .. but you never told me yourself …

We tried to take a break … go our own separate ways for the night just to give each other some space … but as the old saying goes ‘out of sight out of mind’ … I found myself meeting other creative souls – each with a different insight; who I later discovered would watch my every move with the same intensity that you ‘used’ to watch me with ..

It came to a point that you were spending more time at your workshop and spa than you were with me … I found your insurance papers and realized that the ‘spa’ was providing you with healing sessions .. I would bring it up now and then, but you never wanted to discuss it … I could only hope that with each new session I saw you off at – you would come back as your formidable former-self …. after sharing so much together, how did things come to be this way ? 

And then I got the one phone call I never wanted to get … The ‘healing center’ told me that you were going in and out of shock; your condition wasn’t stabilizing; any more treatment wouldn’t necessarily help because your body wouldn’t be able to handle it; and they didn’t know how long you would last.

I didn’t know what to do – my world was being turned upside down and inside out .. other than wait for the inevitable - there was nothing else I could do.  I held on to you for weeks as I watched you slip away from me, until you were no more.

One minute you were with me, and the  next you were gone.  Then came the arduous task of going through the various paperwork that you left behind … just when I couldn’t take it any more – one of the administrators handed over a signed document and it had my signature on it … I didn’t even remember signing it !!

Despite your ailment and condition, reading this document made me realize just how much you thought ahead for me … you had planned it all along when we took out insurance together soon after we had first met … it means a lot to me that you did this .. it’s going to be hard to love again … nothing can replace you … but for now .. this will just have to do … It’s a sign ..

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That’s right – my original Olympus µ1050 crashed and burned on me but thanks to the warranty and some smart thinking on the part of the repair center – I got a replacement digital camera !

Who or what did you think I was talking about =P ?? I wish I could have taken a picture of your expression as you finished off this post =P  Anyone who knows me would realize that my camera is one of my guilty pleasures !! Come on then – smile for the camera :P

communication theories deaf by karaoke just for fun karaoke killers karaoke night out looking for love Magic of Melodies musical emotions passing time people's experiences people's perceptions

… At least that’s what it felt like on Monday night !  I’ve been meaning to post this since the other night but I never even got around to actually writing it … so here I am about to digress into the past …

A long, long time ago … almost exactly 48 hours ago (it is 22:40 as I type),  I was sat down at a hidden table at a popular bar known for it’s Karaoke sessions every Sunday and Monday, with a friend PP who is visiting from London.

After a long day of work, I really didn’t have the energy to go down and hail a cab to the bar … I’m still traumatised by my experience and not yet able to drive :(   After struggling to just freshen up, I stepped out of my room into the darkness of the passage way only to find a light shining through the kitchen passage …. Lo and behold … my brother and his friend .. and they look like they might be heading out for a drive … perfect .. I can bum a ride !

My brother’s mate ends up dropping me to the bar and I find PP after much squinting in the dark trying to track him and his group down …. I was told off for missing their rendition of Hotel California … but never fear, they had signed up to sing another 3-4 songs !

What I wasn’t prepared for was being dragged up on stage and being made to sing New York ! New York !  It was a blessing and a curse in disguise that out of the two mics between 4 of us – the mic PP and I were using was not working (it was either that or I was tone deaf ! )

A few hoots and howls later – I managed to race back to the table and GULP my Vodka Redbull ! How could I possibly have gone up there for the sake of spirit on a few sips of VRB ??? I definitely needed more than that if I had to go up there again !

The birthday girl makes her way over to me and announces with a very straight face that the next song is gonna be just the two of us girls and it was going to be … Madonna – Like A Virgin !!! OMG – I think I wanted the ground to swallow me alive !! Maybe God was listening to me or took pity on me because for the next 15 minutes – every other group at the bar made their way up on stage and would give ear shattering renditions of songs that they thought they could actually sing !

Just as I got comfortable with my second drink, I find myself being led by the arm and back towards the stage … and I kept trying to pull back to at least carry my drink with me …. This time, the birthday girl had picked Mambo No 5 !  The four of us were so off-key – it was hurting MY ears – I don’t even want to try to imagine how the others in the bar were feeling …. The rest of my mates had been tanking up on booze from about lunch time as they are all here on vacation and I was the only sober one in the group !

The only time I felt comfortable singing was to the beats of Savage Garden’s Truly Madly Deeply … I really do love that song, and it was played towards the end of the night … the four of us just sat there around the edge of our table and huddled together and just sang away … Well the three of them were a bit hoarse from the drinks and cheering; whilst I was still trying to let the hidden singer me come out !

If you happened to be at the karaoke bar that night – and now feel that you have trouble with your hearing … (wouldn’t be surprised since the whole bar sounded like a bunch of alley cats on heat)… please accept my sincere apologies !

 

 

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Imagine a Heart.  A Heart with an arrow going through it.  Not a horrible bloody arrow but a nice arrow.  How do you feel when you see that image ?  What is that image trying to evoke from us ?

 

I sat down a few minutes ago and sort of got lost in a ramble of thoughts when this image flickered in my minds’ eye and just remained there.

Growing up – I remember seeing hearts drawn across note books in school; on dirty car windows where someone would smear that across; as graffiti on some walls; even I have drawn that image a few times … There was an unsaid acceptance that the hearts represented people’s feelings of love – you know – like if they didn’t know how to express themselves – a heart just says it all … well something like that anyway …

Cupid – the God of Erotic Love & Beauty is normally associated with a heart and arrow.  Cupid is meant to induce desire and lust between people … and nothing says ‘Desire’ better than this !

The heart being a love interest and the arrow is Cupid’s arrow signifying that one has found love in that heart. It is believed that Cupid can induce love with a single shot from his arrow.  Hence the saying ‘hit by Cupid’

Whilst laying on my bed, focusing on this image – I thought … how could that possibly represent something ‘nice’ … look at it really …

An arrow … cutting into your heart …. that just sounds painful ! I reckon that arrow and heart are an accurate representation of how someone would feel after a break-up with a loved one …. the sheer pain of it all could be pretty excruciating !

This is what I’m feeling and thinking of when I think of that image … There’s an arrow lodged into your heart … it’s just pierced right through you and it’s stuck there … and the only way to get it out is to pull it out … when you do, that’s when the blood spills out … all over you … and that’s how your heart breaks … that’s how heart ache came about I suppose … It makes sense doesn’t it ?

Considering my current state of mind and how my thought process has come about – if it were me with that arrow piercing through my heart – I’d feel sort of pinned down almost I think … As if that arrow was stuck and it was hard to get out …

In today’s society – we are all looking for love … and we’d be liars if we claimed that we are not.  Have you not dreamed of finding the one to call your other half ? (aaaaaaah now I know why they make those half heart pendants hehe) .. I suppose I have dreamed about you

Nonetheless, over the years, we would have learned that to love, could also mean to lose love .. and hence we ought to be prepared to get hurt if we are going to love someone … and be prepared to love again …

However when you look at that heart image in front of you – it doesn’t appear to give off any negative sort of vibe .. nor does it really make you think that deeply into something which is meant to be a happy and cheerful image !

I just Googled ‘heart with arrow’ and all the pictures that came off – seemed to  come off quite nicely. 

Some images were really ‘cute’ and ‘feminine’ … others were stronger, with ribbons,  had more shadows playing on them … or you get a romantic heart drawn out in sand on the beach …. It’s nice to look at right ?

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But really … look at it … how can you feel nice when you have a damn arrow going through your heart ??? 

I have nothing against the whole Cupid hitting you with love arrows – but realistically … doesn’t make a whole lot of sense does it .. or maybe I’ve just had a really long day !  Would love to know your thoughts on this …