I have been wanting to write about how I’ve been feeling the past few weeks; ever since the night my grandfather had a stroke and was admitted to the ICU. That was about 2.5 weeks ago. The night he had the stroke, it’s almost as if I felt like something was wrong as I had been having trouble getting to sleep and felt like I kept hearing things. Apparently I wasn’t imagining it – my father had gotten out of bed and left for the hospital around 3 a.m.
My nana was in ICU for 12 days – and every day - the hospital waiting room syndrome seemed to just get worse for me. After about a week; the doctors stated that he was getting more stable – and suddenly last week - things weren’t going so well.
When I got the news – it was one of those late night / early morning phone calls .. and just like the last time I got one of these calls – I’d had a miserable night trying to get some sleep.
Today marks one week since my grandfather – my ‘nana-ji’ - passed away. I haven’t quite been myself since and I suppose it affected me more than I cared to admit.
There’s a lot of emotion that I’m feeling but unable to completely process it – perhaps its a conscious decision not to because I know just how vulnerable it will leave me. Mere thoughts and memories leave me teary eyed; there’s so much that I hadn’t said or done and now I won’t even be able to.
The past week has been a blur; I can barely remember waking up or falling asleep; and sleeping just meant very uncomfortable dreams (they weren’t night mares but they weren’t pleasant dreams either) which resulted in practically no sleep and just waking up absolutely exhausted.
Some of you have known about this and I would like to thank you once again for all your support and kind words over the past few weeks. I really do appreciate it. It would mean a lot to me – if instead of leaving condolence messages – you would keep my nana in your prayers so that his soul may rest in peace.