Forgive ? Forget ? Or Just F*ck It.

A few days ago I read a post ‘Forgive & Forget’ by Buck Rob – and its been on my mind ever since.  Whilst I agree on his sentiments that as an adult we have the ability to either bring it up & be childish about it or just refrain from digging up the past and move on; I wanted to add a bit more to it ..

Forgive Me ?

I could forgive a person for their actions; but I wouldn’t ever forget it.  Would I bring it up again to them and constantly rub it in their face and remind them of their misdeeds ? Depending on how bad the situation was – and how soon I was facing that person – I might be tempted to and it might even slip out.  I wouldn’t do it constantly though.  I think once or twice is sufficient to make a point.

I have in the past forgiven two exes for cheating on me.  We are still friends, but I have never forgotten it. It’s the reason why I would never go back to them. Even though, by far over all these years – these two men know me (in some ways) better than I know myself. (Or maybe I give them that credit ‘cos it’s the closest anyone has come to knowing me). 

I never quite forgave the girl that hooked up with the one ex though. She was supposed to be my friend (of 12 years might I add). I couldn’t forgive her or forget what she did. I decided to cut her out of my life. I stopped any contact with her. Blanked her when I saw her. She lied to my face and denied hooking up with the ex. The ex had already admitted it to me. That’s why I forgave him. He grew some balls and told me the facts and apologized. I gave him hell for a long time – in jokes, in passing comments – but I forgave him.

Shit happens. People fuck up. But if you can admit your mistake – that’s something else; and I’d forgive you there and then.  It takes courage to admit that one is wrong and if one is willing to face the consequences of their actions – then its worth forgiving him / her.  Obviously this might not work 100% of the time but its a personal choice.

Forgot Something ?

I suppose I could even forget about something and just put it in the back of my mind – you know – lock it up and never go back there.  It’s there – some might say that it’s not really forgotten but it’s forgotten for the time.  My relationship with my sister (or lack of) tends to work this way.  We fight, we bitch, we hate, we forget, we become semi-tolerant of each other and then we repeat the cycle.  This is more of an ‘ignore’ the situation sort of reaction.

Then there are other relationships with friends, acquaintances, work colleagues where you could ignore / forget something or part of something they have said or done; and just continue your daily routine with them because it’s really not worth it.

I saw the aforementioned ex-friend last year; 10 years after the ‘cheating’ incident.  She came up to me at a common friends’ wedding, said hello and introduced me to her husband. I said hi – made small chit chat for a grand total of 5 minutes – and walked away.  Have I forgiven her ? Not really. Have I forgotten what she did ? No.  Have I moved on since then ?  Yes.  Since she’s no longer an important part of my life – which is perhaps why – I can be a grown up and say hello and walk away. I have moved on and so has she.

Then there’s your close friends.  Another girlfriend of 13 odd years went slightly crazy on me about 2 years ago; started accusing me of being too friendly with her boyfriends AND her exes too.  Long story short – we stopped all communication after I told her that she was being insecure.  Six months later, she’s talking to me as if nothing happened.  Sure I spoke to her; but kept a distance in case she flipped out again.  Did I forgive her for her accusations ? Yeah sure.  Did I forget about them ? Yes & No.  Personally, if my closest friend ‘doubts’ me – then that’s not cool and we’re not really close anymore.  I meet her on & off; we hang out – I’ve chosen to forget the past incidents and just get on with things. 

However the damage in both the above friendships can’t be repaired and I’m not vindictive towards either of the women. I just don’t really care any more.

I’ve Had It With You !

That’s when I just say ‘F*ck It’.  It’s a harsh decision and that my friend, is where you don’t want to be.  Once I’ve decided that – it’s the be all and end all of any sort of relationship or rapport I would have shared with you in any capacity.  I am one of those people that can CUT someone out of my life and not blink twice.  That decision is made – rash or not.  The aftermath is a whole other blog post.  It can be a relief or  it can hurts like hell too.  An emotional roller coaster ride is never easy. 

Before moving to India – I was head over heels in love with this man.  We were taking things easy and going with the flow.  No labels, no tags, it was just him and me.  1.5 year later – we’re still together and things look serious.  Out of no-where, this man breaks up with me a month after discussing getting engaged.  I didn’t know what hit me.  His reasoning didn’t make any sense and I refused to accept it.  For weeks after our break-up he would call to check on me; and each call threw me completely off balance.  For the sake of my own sanity and to avoid further heart break – I cut him out and just adopted a ‘fuck it’ attitude.  It tore me apart; it still does – but it had to be done.

Then there are the people that make you question whether or not you need them in your life.  This guy I knew whilst living in Bombay wanted to do business with me; we were both in the same line of work so decided to work on a project together.  It didn’t matter to him that we knew each other for 2 years – he absolutely skanked & cheated me of a hefty sum of dosh.  Despite trying to reason with him on this – he denied ever taking any of this money.  I made a decision to get rid of slime balls like him; and cut him out.  A year later – he has tried a few texts to get my attention; the best one asking ‘I think there’s a misunderstanding’ .. Seriously, good riddance to bad rubbish.   I can’t believe he was ever a friend.

I think we all hit a point in our relationships with others where we need to determine how important they are in your life; and whether you really want to associate with them.  There are people we can forgive; people who we choose to forget their flaws & quirks to keep things peaceful and then when that time bomb erupts and you can’t take it anymore – one decides to just say ‘f*ck it’

So are you the type that can forgive and forget ? Do you forget or push things behind but don’t really forgive and hold that tiny grudge ? Do you just forget (i.e.  ignore) to keep a situation calm ? Or are you able to just say ‘f*ck it’ and move on with whatever you have to do ? Thoughts ?

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