What The Fade Just Happened ?

The other night, whilst going through my blog roll and catching up on my favourite bloggers, I found that there was a topic that quite a few people were discussing (turns out it was a project for the Insomnia Club).  It fascinated me; made me want to express my own thoughts on the subject; and just when I penned my title for the post – I realized that my blogger friend Jess Downey had already used the title I wanted to use.

Damnit.  Now what am I gonna do ? So while I figure out what my title will be – let’s get on to the subject at hand.

Boys & Girls, Ladies & Gentlemen – I hereby ask you to look into your past histoire with the opposite sex and think long and hard about ….  The Fade.

That’s right.  You know when you suddenly stopped hearing from that guy / girl you were interested in and the texts & phone calls just sort of plummeted or altogether disappeared.  They pulled a Fade on you.  That guy / girl didn’t know just how to (in the words of Nikki B) ‘own their shit’ and tell you that they really just weren’t that into you. 

I Fade. You Fade. We Both Fade Away

It’s different, and not so bad, when no feelings and when The Fade is ‘mutual’ as Miss Melissa Mae points out.  I’ve been there before; I’m sure you have too.

Back in university, I had started dating this guy about 2 months before the Xmas holidays.  We both went off to our home countries for a few weeks and gradually just cut down on our communication.  Four weeks later, we’re back at university and with our different course schedules, just sort of ‘faded away’ from each others lives.  Sure I saw him every now and then at friends’ parties and we could talk at ease.  It was an easy end for us with no hard feelings.

When you are casually dating someone, or at the beginning stages when you’ve just started spending time with someone – sometimes you just know that ‘this’ isn’t quite what you want.  Both know that ‘this’ is not long term; it’s just a distraction.  Both are ready to move on when something else catches their attention.  No hard feelings.  It was never meant to be anyway.

He Fades. She Fades.

Without pulling the gender card here – it does appear that men tend to use the fade more than women do.  It doesn’t mean that women don’t do it – I just mean that guys are more likely to ‘fade’ than a woman. 

Why ? When you’ve only just gone out on a few casual dates (i.e. 2 – 4) then who wants the drama of letting a girl (or guy) down.  Women are generally more sensitive than men but seriously we can take the hit of a break-up (I’m pretty certain that having a baby would be more painful !!).  Sure, we may not like it – we may even get upset and hurl some abuse – but at least now we ‘know’ that it’s a break-up and can easily move on.

Miss Taylor Cast wrote a fab letter which can be addressed to all the disappearing men – check out her post ‘Fading into the Shadows’.  Women (and some men) don’t want to be left wondering about WTF just happened, where the hell did you go, and come up with scenarios (and excuses) about ‘why’ you just picked up and disappeared without so much as a goodbye.  Don’t say hello if you aren’t in the habit of saying goodbye as put by Simone Grant.

To Fade Or Not To Fade

The Fade is a total Cop Out.  A way of avoiding all the ‘real’ things that come with rejecting or jilting a person i.e. the anger, the hurt, the potential tears, maybe even having things thrown at you.   It’s only fair that the person deserves a phone call to say you are no longer interested (although with BBM, Whatsapp, IM – you could even try that if you can’t face the phone call).  If you don’t want to give a full blown explanation – don’t do it – but the very least you can do is have the decency of calling and saying that you ‘just aren’t into him/her’.

There are many other reasons behind the ‘fade’.  You won’t know them; perhaps neither will the person who’s fading away.  Maybe he didn’t like the fact that you obsess over your dog / cat a bit too much; maybe she didn’t like the way you talk down to everyone around you and lack general manners ? Do any of these things really matter ? Do you really want to break your head over a man / woman who couldn’t even tell you that they didn’t feel the chemistry any more ?

The Urban Dater points out that it doesn’t really matter who’s fault it is because if the person was ‘ready’ they wouldn’t have pulled the fade in the first place.  In the future, if you feel someone is pulling a fade on you – just remember – if the person can’t man / woman up and tell you how they feel – do you really need someone like that in your life ? You are better than that.  You deserve better than that.  Don’t make an excuse for the fader. 

If you are fortunate enough to avoid the fade and to meet a man / woman who is honest and open enough to tell you that they really aren’t feeling the vibe anymore – don’t lash out and try to convince them that you are the one for them !! As hard as it may be to admit that you aren’t the one for him / her – just accept (with grace) that this isn’t going to happen.  If you keep trying to convince them otherwise, the poor man / woman is gonna opt for ‘fading’ the next time they are in that situation !  The Man Sam Sharpe has been there !

The Unacceptable Fade

Do NOT even attempt to pull a fade on someone who you refer to you as your boyfriend or your girlfriend.  Do NOT even think about pulling a crazy stunt or becoming the douchebag who makes ‘future’ plans, who says ‘we’ instead of you & I and just disappears.  That is unacceptable behaviour from any man or woman.

Honesty is key in any relationship and if you have committed to something – at least own up to your feelings and communicate this with your partner.  Don’t just walk out as if the relationship meant nothing to you !

So kudos to you if have never had to pull the fade on anyone before.  If you have pulled the fade, I would hope it’s because you were afraid of being stalked / harmed and not because you didn’t know how to come out and deal with the consequences of breaking up with someone.

What are your thoughts ? Have you resorted to using the Fade before ? Have you been the victim of the fade ? Don’t forget to check out what the members of the Insomniac Club have to say :

1. Fade To Black by The Urban Dater
2. Don’t Say Hello by Simone Grant
3. Sometimes Silence is the Best Closure by MetAnotherFrog
4. The Fade by Miss Melisa Mae
5. You Say Fade? I Say Cop-Out by Women Are From Mars
6. To Fade or Not to Fade by Jess Downey
7. Fade Away and Forget-Met-Not by Feisty Woman
8. Eyes Open by Totally Tyler
9. Ms. Fading Failure by Man-Shopper
10. Where The Hell Did You Go by SingleMuch
11. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by F*cking in Brooklyn
12. Da Fade, Ladies and Gentlemen, by Thank You For Your Sex™
13. Fading Into the Shadows by Miss Taylor Cast

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