All I Really Need Is Chocolate, But A Little Love Doesn't Hurt !

Dating ? What’s That ?


I dug this out of the archives and have kinda played around with it a little bit. You can check out the original post here - ‘What The Hell Is Dating’ .. which was written back in September 2008 and I had been in India for about a year. Apparently not much has changed since then !

I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot … dating … It’s practically become the center of conversation amongst my entire social circle. Aside from the dozen couples (married and steady relationships) – everyone else within the circle of friends is single including yours truly.

I thought about this – specifically for myself – and for someone who has dated men from different cultures and in different countries – I am shocked that in 3 years of living in Bombay – I have not managed to find someone who I can really date let alone a boyfriend.

Sometimes I feel as if the whole idea behind dating and what comprises of a date – is almost an alien thought to the people who are native to Bombay. I reckon it has to be a culture thing – dating can mean something different in every culture. I’ve found that the so-called ‘modern’ guys and girls here more often than not have extremely ‘old fashion’ ideas when it comes to dating and sex. (and don’t get me started on sex !)

it’s not as if we’ve not been on a first date … or a second date or even a third in some cases but that’s just it .. it tends to not go beyond that. And that my friends – SUCKS. A few of us were chatting the other night and it seemed that it was damn near impossible to meet someone that you can actually ‘date’ and eventually be in a relationship with.

Don't get me wrong - I've met some very nice guys over the past 3 years – and I’ve gone out on dates with them; but it just seems that I’ve encountered the crème-de-la-crème of confused BOYS not even men !! Pathetic isn’t it ? They act and behave as if they ‘like you’ but when it comes down to admitting that – they just disappear !

Here’s a conversation on FaceBook that my mate MB aka MumbaiMinx of The Mango Tree had put up …

MB What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night
MA : The beauty is that its an interview for both the parties and anxiety/ surprise/ deciding factor lies on both sides of the table :)
MB : Which should not stop either from meeting again for the 2nd & 3 rd round! :)
MA : until you either come to a conclusion of selecting/ rejecting the candidate for the job of boy/girlfriend and decide on the norms and perks that come with the 'job' :s :P
MB : So simple, yet its made to be soo complicated!

I had a big smile on my face when I read this. It was so apt. If only more people got it !

The ‘concept’ of dating has changed drastically over the past few decades. In our grandparents time – dating didn’t exist (at least not for my grand parents) and it was about arranged marriages. In my mothers time – dating was by parental consent or ‘group dates’. The rest of the world enjoyed the free love of the 70’s. The 90’s led to the evolution of video and online dating; and online dating is now very common AND popular amongst a lot of cultures and countries.

So what is YOUR idea about dating ? What does dating or going on a date mean to you ? For some people and cultures – dating can also be considered ‘non-exclusive’ … I recall that in Montreal this was also referred to as ‘seeing someone’.

For me – dating is ‘seeing someone you are interested in more than a friend capacity which can eventually lead to becoming a couple i.e. boyfriend & girlfriend’. Dating can involve kissing, or further romantic involvement.

What are your thoughts on this ? How do you define ‘seeing someone’, ‘dating’ and ‘being in a relationship’ ? For me, if you are dating ‘non-exclusively’ then the physical side of the relationship i.e. sex – should be left out. If you’re dating exclusively – do what you want and what you are comfortable with. One can ‘see’ a few different people over a period of time before deciding to ‘date’ someone and again – the physical should be left out. But that’s a personal opinion and each to their own.

I’d really like to hear different perspectives on this subject. Looking forward to your comments and feedback on this.

p.s coming soon …. a few more follow up post on this !!


26 comments:

Danielle said...

I used to get really pissed off when my friends would 'date' multiple people, it felt very sneaky and misleading to those that weren't 'in the know'. But now I realize that as a single person who WANTS to be in a committed relationship (and that want is key but is not always present),,, dating is a way to kinda 'try out the waters', meet new people and determine what works and what doesn't work.

PS I also like to refer to finding a roommate on craigslist.com as extreme dating...where based on the first 15 minutes you determine if you'd like to give them a key to your home! (insane but happens A LOT)

Simone Grant said...

I think Danielle's comment about "try the waters" is an apt one, for me. I'm trying on different men/situations and seeing if they're a good fit fore me. As someone who dates a lot (sometimes) I've learned that not everyone shares that view.

Which can be frustrating, among other things.

Pre Middle Age said...

Hi event planner goddess. Hope you are feeling better.

To you graphic re: check here if you like me (yes or no). In seventh grade I made one of those for Moe Law after we came back from a field trip. He wasn't answering my calls after kissing me on the cheek which, in Cole World, meant he was going to marry me and take me to prom in high school and we would have babies after I got the law degree I didn't get. *sigh*

Moe checked the like/yes box mailed it back to me and mentioned I had sexy legs.

To this day, I wish dating was that easy and that hard and that confusing and that simple.

Oh, wait..it is.

Dazediva said...

@ Danielle .. I agree with you on that .. if you one is going to date multiple people; then at least let them know that (although some might differ on that) ... I am a single person who 'wants' to be in a committed relationship but currently struggling to even 'try the waters' 'cos the fish oops sorry guys aren't biting the bait !!

Room-mate on Craigslist = Extreme Dating. Like !!

@ Simone .. I'm so happy you left a comment :) I get where you are coming from .. Not everyone has the same views; and its difficult to know their views 'cos people tend to stay in their shell for a while .. Seeing someone / Dating someone is almost the same in some cultures; in Montreal there was a defined difference according to the locals; so its hard to know what the other person is thinking when going out on that 'date' .. and then it raises the question - can you ask someone outright on a 1st date / meeting if they are seeing other people ?

@ PreMiddleAge .. Hi my sassy events goddess from the other side of the world !! My ears are so blocked - I can't sleep and hence put up my post ..

aaah the good ol' days of being back in 7th grade .. the cute notes that would be passed around !! *sigh* it used to be simple back then .. yes I like you; no I don't; will you be my boyf/girlf .. yes/no ...

Saif said...

For me: Dating is seeing someone you like, regularly. Go out, shop, watch movies, dine...and etc. etc. It's just to get to know how the person who you're dating, is! If you get around well, you can think about taking a step further.

For some folks, dating is like- I like you, you like me...your place or mine?

mbchronicles said...

Thanks DC for adding my fb comments. Atleast someone reads them! For me dating is, as you put it aptly, getting to know someone for a future prospect of being in a relationship. It isn't however about just hanging out trying to get to know someone. Thats like beating around the bush. Its perfectly okay to walk away from the date if things dont click, but whats most important is the Intention to Date.
Indian women are so damn pretty and the men...they seem to misplace their balls thanks to the old fashioned notion of dating in India. Well.. thanks for this post...It should be used for an awareness campaign here!

Ve said...

@MB
"Indian women are so damn pretty and the men...they seem to misplace their balls thanks to the old fashioned notion of dating in India. "
lmao... now thats articulate!! while I agree with the bit about Indian women being so pretty, your statement was a tad deregatory towards my gender... but I would have to agree in part. Men can be quite old fashioned when it comes to dating.. one of the many reasons being the underlying male chauvenist nature... whats good for the gander isnt necessarily good for the goose.. so while its ok for a guy to date around to figure out who he wants to be with, it 'reflects' badly on a girls character when she does the same!! Go figure!!

@daze..
"Sometimes I feel as if the whole idea behind dating and what comprises of a date – is almost an alien thought to the people who are native to Bombay. "
tsk tsk!! we natives are bad indeed.. but not all that much either! ;-) The definition of dating has definitely changed over the past couple of decades.. but essentially it has 2 definitions (in my humble opinion)..

on one hand you have the love-hopeful, looking for that elusive diamond in the rough.. hoping beyond hope that at some point, one of the frogs will turn into a prince/princess!! to quote a wise woman - "For me – dating is ‘seeing someone you are interested in more than a friend capacity which can eventually lead to becoming a couple i.e. boyfriend & girlfriend’." need I say more?

On the other had, you have the fun-lover.. just looking to have a good time, party hard and rock the night away! They date cause its not really fun to party alone,... 'so do you wanna go out tonight??'.... and you have an entire generation of 16 - 25 yr olds these days who do just that.

I'd say each individual's concept of dating changes depending on one's current age and mindset... I think its safe to say that most people from our generation have been through either or even both of the above mentioned options. The trick is to find someone who mirrors your perception of dating.. not as easy as it sounds, as you seem to have learnt!

I'd say as long as you're honest and upfront about your intentions.. its cool to date more than one person, with the intent to eventually settle down into an exclusive relationship with just one person once you've figured out exactly who you want to be with. and sure, its not a fool proof method either.. just cause Bachelor No.1 seemed like a prime catch initially, after careful consideration you've realized that he's not gonna make a great husband after all (applicable for you women as well!) so you pack up, and the dating game starts all over again!!

which brings us to another old adage.. "familiarity breeds contempt"!! ahh.. what would our interpersonal relationships be without the varying levels of complexity??? maybe you could do a piece on that as well ;-)

Hope you feel better soon tho..
take care!

Dazediva said...

@ Saif .. I see your point however a few questions come to mind .. how long does it really take to get to know someone before you decide to take things further ? Couldn't taking 'too long' make things platonic?? .. that's my worry at least .. things can become too comfortable and eventually ends in the friend-zone !! also is there any chemistry in this getting to know phase ? what kind of chemistry - physical or mental or both ? Physical doesn't mean ripping each others clothes off - but enough to let each other know that 'hey - I'm into you - I fancy the pants off you'

@ MB .. 'Intention to Date' .. yup that's something that has to be made clear ! The person should 'know' that its a date (unlike with wanker banker hahaha).

Unfortunately the Indian culture is still coming to terms with the idea and concept of dating and VE has touched on this subject really well. We should really start a nice awareness campaign on this ! All in favour - kindly retweet / re-post and share with all your mates !

@ Ve .. I like you more with each comment. Really !

It's a hypocritical society (and culture) we live in. All is good for the gander - to wander and play - but the goose has to stay put ! which is pretty lame and backward. Why can't the laws of the gander apply to goose or vice versa. I'm sure the ganders would flap their wings and make some noise if they were told to behave like the goose.

For the love-hopefuls out there; if one is not moving towards a relationship status after a handful of dates (ok in India make that 12 dates at least) then that relationship is not gonna happen. At least for me - it won't. I can't waste so much time and energy on someone who isn't sure of what they want.

As for the fun-lover party person .. going out with a bunch of friends cos you don't want to be alone doesn't fall into dating for me .. if you're hooking up with someone in that group - its a hook up not a date. If you're individually hanging out with someone and its just on an adhoc basis then perhaps it could be a date with hook up potential ?

If its familiar for me - then I'm not touching it .. I can't bring myself to date a friend of mine .. its just too weird and a bit gross actually .. I know way too many things about a friend that I rather discover if I was dating someone than going out with them with all that knowledge !! Of course this can be argued out - but that's just my thought on it.

Thanks for the wishes - am on the road to recovery now :)

nandoism said...

Dating isn't an interview--because to me, interviews are nerve-wrecking and produce so much anxiety--dating should be fun--if you're doing it right. Does that mean EVERY date will be fun? Not in NYC, at least, but there's an adventure in there--as soon as we take the fun out of dating an make it a job/interview--then we get into that mentality that--after this is over, I will "get the job" or not. Who wants that?

Dazediva said...

@ Nandoism .. you're such a rock star !! Interviews are nerve wrecking .. but aren't some dates like that ? where you're full of nerves, and tingles 'cos you are really looking forward to what could be a great date :)

I get where you're coming from though .. I suppose I used the FB example because it was done in such a tongue-in-cheek manner; and it brought out the lighter side of things .. made me smile a bit .. cos apparently no man is making me do that right now (other than you of course my luv)

But Ninja Nando .. I want that job .. I really do ! hahaha

Wilmaryad said...

I think dating has become too serious a business. Not that it shouldn't entail serious intentions to get to know the other; but the fun and goofy sides of it have disappeared.

Today's guy seems to wanna be resisted to fall in love. He takes your smile for desperation to be with him. He likes it noncommital, except when it comes to sex. He'd rather have you as a last-minute cum dump than a long-term loyal girlfriend.

Now that we've called a cat a pussy, I think going out on dates in different settings is healthy. Cemeteries will show you his adaptivity, bars his cheating potential, clubs his jealousy levels, stadiums his temper, parks his tolerance, temples his humor, and his parental house the source of all his bad habits.

Digressing --->

The purist in me suggests that dating include no sex. If the kisses, the embraces and the back rubs aren't enough for him, milking his cow won't, either! Plus, if you or your society care about your virginity, don't put out before your wedding night.

The flip side is giving the impression that marriage is nothing but having sex legally (after seeing too many attendees at a reception that will give birth to more debts than children). But if you're a dirty hoower, spread your V and let in his Y. Pray he won't leave a 20$ bill by the bedside table in the morning.

I'm just kiddin'. Men NEVER think of women as mere sex objects. How dare I presume the contrary?!?

If you want to go extreme, follow into grandma's steps and marry him first, then spend the rest of your life dating him. You never know, it might lead to bliss. ,-)

But then, don't listen to me. I haven't gone on a date in 12 years. And Diva, I rewrote this more often than I draft my own posts. Bravo! ,-)

Ve said...

@daze..
considerng that I check out a lot of blogs, but yours is the only one that I'm following... I'd have to say that the likefulness is mutual!! :-)

awareness campaign?? lol.. in order to educate the misguided/ignorant males out there as to what a woman's expectation is from the dating scene? that him 'hoping to get some on the first date' doesnt really fit into your playbook? and you think he wants to be made aware? Ignorance is bliss, my friend!!

Frankly, hypocrisy isnt really the main problem we face as a society or culture... its more the fact that we still have a lot of evolving to do as a people. If only us men could recognize the fact that
a) women are our equals
b) that they rightfully deserve to be treated so... and are as much par for the course as any man around, we wouldn't have double standards when it came to oh sooooo many issues in life (dating being among the least of them!)

as far as the familiarity issue goes, you're right about your point of view being argued out.. infact it calls for an extended debate!

Let the jousting begin!! ;-)

Ve said...

oh and btw... I'm fighting on behalf of all those poor souls ignominiously relegated to the friend-zone!! ;-)
(wot can i say.. I share their pain!)

Anonymous said...

dating in the indian sense of the term is very annoying in my personal opinion! if u ask someone out on a date (déjà this needs some redefining - the asking), its automatically assumed its for a prospective marital future. if not that then, if you go out on a date, it HAS TO mean you are girlfriend-boyfriend! AND FINALLY, if not that, it means you are a player/slut!
this need/urge to label everything can get quite taxing on people like me.

i agree with u on the dating bit completely! for me, dating is a simple and nice thing. its an opportunity to meet a new person that interests you, spend some quality time with them, have fun w/o having to think of the future. who knows? it may click or not. if it does, u go on a second date and a consecutive third one if it works some more. if not, u either stay friends or u part ways & dont socialise on any level! and the rules (?) dont have to be different based on your sex! as far as the exclusivity is concerned, its a personal choice...some people like to smell 10 apples before buying 1 (or 3 :P)... some just pick one and stick with it!! and the intimacy levels can differ based on your interest in the said person...but yes, non exclusive = hold on to your milk!!

-Prutha

Ve said...

@Prutha..... Dont mean to be a busybody.. but I thot I'd put in my two bits so humour me, if you will :-D

The basic problem with the Indian dating scene is that until now, it's been setup to be a precursor to marriage.. one of the stages in life that every individual simply 'must' fulfill.. for the sake of society, their families, their future kids.. and finally themselves (in that very order!!)

While it must be liberating to be in your shoes where you evidently live life (or try to ) according to how you see fit (relationships included)... its not really the beaten path and frankly, most Indians still arent mentally ready to take on their nearest 'n dearest so that they can live on their own terms, indifferent to all the rules our culture and society places on them.

I personally think the key is exposure and awareness to the bigger picture thats called life.. where one's existence isnt predefined for him/her by century old norms... and marriage and children do not 'necessarily' become the crux of one's life!! It should be the prerogative of each individual to choose how they want to live.. as per his/her own terms... but sadly, thats not the world we live in, is it?

Call me presumptious, but your usage of accents (déjà) leads me to believe that you've probably lived abroad at some time... which could explain your more broadbased view towards dating.. and life as a whole!

So.. no offence meant here , but if you're looking to simply 'date' Indian men... without the baggage that you mentioned in the first para.. you're screwed!! ;-)

Anonymous said...

@Ve

i couldnt agree more with what you wrote about the indian society et al and the general idea about dating here...and yes, you got most of the stuff about me right too!! :)

but one thing is true, it took a lot of time for me to get to this point where i date for dating without any "expectations" of a possible future, to get past the looks, the whispers & murmurs..and like you say, it is indeed quite liberating :)

and i am definitely "screwed" because it requires energy from a different planet to date in india!! but i aint losing hope:!! :D
LOL!!

-Prutha

PS: really enjoyed reading your two bits. its quite rare to see (read?) someone who actually says whats on their mind :)

Ve said...

@Prutha...
Speaking exactly whats on my mind hasn't always served me as well as I would have liked in the past..lol.. but Im glad we see eye to eye :-)

I really dont think I know anyone who's blatantly defied the system, the way you say you have...so KUDOS to you!!! I cant even begin to imagine how it must have been for you when you just started dating... the never ending list of 'wellwishers' and unsolicited advice-givers who suddenly crawled out of the woodwork and developed this keen interest in your 'love' life!! would make for quite an interesting read if you ever decide to chronicle your battles .. 'The Dating Game : Prutha's arduous journey in search of stimulating conversation and a fun evening!!

And thats the thing.. we all need to find our own path... even if its the road less travelled!! Me? I'm too practical.. sometimes for my own good! I find it impossible to do something without weighing the pros and cons first... more importantly, the effect my actions today will have on my life in the immediate future.. be it at work, relationships.. pretty much every sphere of life! and while its not like I dont value spontaneity.. even there I quickly do the math before acting 'spontaneously'!! LOL

'energy from a different plant'?? lmao.. wat can I say.. more power to you, girl!!! :-)

Simply.... Anupam said...

Babes... this is really kewl... I promise to do a follow up blog on this one!!!!

Dazediva said...

@ Wilmaryad ... I luv you, I LOVE your comment, and my my my you do have a way with words don't you :P The subject dating has become to serious .. the fun seems to have gone out of it when in essence dating is supposed to be fun ... too many societal rules and pressures; and too many individuals have just fallen into the vicious circle of these pressures .. as Ve has put it .. as much as we want to go against the stigma, maybe somewhere deep down we still consider it .. possibly more so in the Asian, Middle Eastern cultures than in other cultures ..

@ Ve & Prutha .. damn now that's the kinda discussion that makes for great reading !! I love it !!!

Its true for Indians / Asians - dating tends to be this precursor for marriage .. that in itself just stops me in my tracks .. I don't want a man to think I'm going out ANYWHERE with him in the hopes of potentially getting a ring on my finger ..

Ve .. yup Miss P is well traveled and its the use of her accents that makes me adore her so :)

I'm with Prutha - its extremely liberating to date without expectations .. its just about going out and enjoying yourself .. not every man / woman is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with .. if that's the precursor for any 'date' then its doomed already because that other person may not be on the same page as you .. although I suppose in our case .. we're the ones that are doomed as we want to go on a 'date' and not 'date to get married' (just yet at least) hahaha

@ Anupam ... am gonna put up your post too mwaah xx

Ve said...

@ Daze..
hey you.. welcome back .. now that I check your blog every so often, I missed your input! :-)

Dont want to read too much between the lines.. but thats my thing so.. blame it on the Monday afternoon blues for now!! ;-)
I kinda get the impression you and Miss P arent exactly in the same boat.. even though you'd like to think so! (did I mention that I get a lil bitchy post lunch? )

lemme elaborate... oh wait.. first..

Disclaimer : Below is my well intentioned attempt at dissecting two fine specimens of the highly evolved and yet extremely dangerous species called women!! Its quite possible that I am completely wrong, so feel free to critique and disagree!! ;-)

when it comes to dating, from the little that I could glean.. Prutha rocks!! Simply coz she's not only dealt with the problems one faces with the potential date.. but also the unwanted bagage that comes home to roost when one decides to date regularly over an extended period of time, without anything to show for it (namely a long-term relationship).. i.e she's gotten past "the looks, the whispers & murmurs"! and we all know thats a bloody hard thing to do!!

You my friend, are in a paradox of sorts... You've obviously 'dated' during ur stint in Canada (and wherever else)... but its seems to me that this time around, the rules of the game have been altered... you want the freedom to date who you want to date.. when you want to.. as many guys as you need to.. and here's the clincher 'till you find the one that YOU want to date'!! Its no longer just about the freedom to go out and enjoy the company.. its now about and I quote "seeing someone you are interested in more than a friend capacity which can eventually lead to becoming a couple i.e. boyfriend & girlfriend’." or better still.. "it seemed that it was damn near impossible to meet someone that you can actually ‘date’ and eventually be in a relationship with."

lol.. you know what I think the problem is?? The 'desi' in your genes is beginning to raise its ugly head!! You've experienced and enjoyed unfettered dating.. but now methinks at some level, you wanna settle down... and while the dating game is still fun... its not conducive to building a lasting relationship! I mean at some point you'd have to start dating exclusively, right? and what then.. date exclusively 'without' any expectations?? for how long? LOL

and thats my question to you all out there..

Can one date exclusively without any expectations? What if you were dating the most amazing person you've ever encountered.. unlike any other... would you be as blasé about the future of the relationship? Or is every date just meant to be for the now....

Anonymous said...

OMG!! a lot seems to have happened since i last checked in here!

@Ve & @dazediva

thanks u two, but you give me too much credit. as for defying the system, it hasnt always served me too well. the début, as you say, was quite discouraging and almost made me give up, but the rebel in me wouldnt let me ;P. i did surpass most of the "barriers" but i still do have a hard time occasionally. the only difference being, it affects me less than it did earlier. but, this i-couldnt-care-less attitude can, and often does, hurt people that you really care about. for instance family. no matter how liberal one's family is, the social circle around them may not be so. and from my experience, people do have really vile tongues which hurts the loved ones, and which in return gets them to make you stop, albeit against their judgement.

it is going to be a long time for the society to change its outlook reg dating in india. but i guess it is upto every single person to define what dating means to them, rather than have society draw out generalised norms for us to follow. most will be comfortable dating-for-eventual-marriage...others wont. let it be a personal choice and not depend on "AW-MAI-GAWD, log kya kehenge?" (OMG what will people say?) :D

Ve...as for weighing the pros and cons of every situation, most of us tend to do it cos what i just wrote above - fear of hurting the ones we do love.

Diva...im not as well travelled as i would like to be :P but hanging around with people who think alike does help a lot. but yes, now that the income is steadier, a trip needs to be planned :) next on my list is cambodia, the untread country :)

as for a long term relationship, not only did i dipped my fingers in it, i went all out, mind bosy and soul. it didnt work out in the end for a gamut of reasons whhich make me wonder about a whole lot of things, even question them, but thats for another post ;)

and i dont really blame Diva for having altered the "rules" of the game, as we all know that at times you just want to give in to what is "acceptable behaviour" in the indian society.

but mind you,when one does start dating exclusively, the entire equation changes and expectations tend to enter. it would be "unnatural" IMO to date exclusively w/o any expectations, cos then its just a waste of time to decide to spend so much of your life with one person and not think of a future, even if its short term, with them.
but it gets tricky here, as in the expectations shouldnt over power your good sense, which could ruin the relationship. after a certain time spent with your exclusive partner, i think its right to let him/her know where you think this is going, or where it could/should.
but then again, its a very very personal choice. i wonder if there is a right or wrong way to do this once you've reached such a serious phase of the relationship....

LOL at the book title suggested by Ve. though im not sure how many would actually read it, let alone buy it.

:D

-Prutha

Anonymous said...

(contd.) and thats the rest of it :)


but mind you,when one does start dating exclusively, the entire equation changes and expectations tend to enter. it would be "unnatural" IMO to date exclusively w/o any expectations, cos then its just a waste of time to decide to spend so much of your life with one person and not think of a future, even if its short term, with them. but it gets tricky here, as in the expectations shouldnt over power your good sense, which could ruin the relationship. after a certain time spent with your exclusive partner, i think its right to let him/her know where you think this is going, or where it could/should. but then again, its a very very personal choice. i wonder if there is a right or wrong way to do this once you've reached such a serious phase of the relationship....

LOL at the book title suggested by Ve. though im not sure how many would actually read it, let alone buy it ;P

-Prutha


PS: this conversation could actually make an entirely new post! :)
PPS: it also makes me realise how much i miss writing :P

Ve said...

@Prutha...
My condolences for the demise of your relationship. The hows and whys always vary, but a lot of relationships bite the dust before their time is up. Tho there's always hope.. coz like they say, when one door closes, another always open up! So that makes 2 posts of yours that I'm looking forward to reading ;-) (we can discuss publishing them some other time!)

Honestly, for society to change its outlook on dating, its gonna take the passing of quite a few generations. The problem is firstly, we're in a minority.. and secondly, an extremely large demographic of our urban populace are those who still live within the boundaries of the joint family setup.. where the entire family gets involved into the nitty-gritties of every members life! Hence the wagging of vile tongues et al.

Oh, and I didnt mean to judge Daze for altering the rules of the game.. just trying establish the fact that she did alter the rules.. in order to make the point that just as we modify the rules based on our current needs... society does too!! For eg. you'l notice that your usually pious Jain neighbour is suddenly ok with smoking and drinking.. just cause her son.. and God forbid.. daughter are doing it!! Its human nature to justify the unjustifiable as long as it is self-serving!! So then why get riled up by society??

There will always be those who judge, those who whisper and spread rumours, those who think its their God given right to educate your parents on the apparent lack of morality displayed by their wayward son/daughter.. and so on. Hence the point I was trying to make is simply this.. Let society go f*** itself and its rules!

Date someone the way you think is right, as long as you're not messing with either them or yourself! There is no 'right' way.. the most important thing is that both people involved have similar expectations and a clear understanding of the importance given to the relationship (or lack of it thereof) by the respective other... based on which they can either commit to taking it to the next level.. or dump the good-for-nothing(usually the guy) and move on!!

And even though I've never 'written' written before, I know what you mean.. Im really beginning to enjoy this!! :D

Javier said...

For me there are 3 types of dates:
1. Blind date: when you don't know the girl or you know her few and you want to know her better and let her know how are you. Here there are 3 kinds of interest as well: friendship interest, sex interest, long therm relationship.
2. Formal date: you know the girl well and she knows you. You are interested in her and you want to meet to evaluate the compatibility. The 3 kinds of interests are the same.
3. Indirect date: you want to know the girl for the people she knows, personally or professionally. U are not interested in her at all.
There are also many kinds of dates depends on the way it goes or the purpose: romantic date, dance date, sexual date, a not interest date (normally when you go to the date with a friend)

purplepatch said...

What perfect timing of this post. I have been so lost that this is god-sent, phew! I happen to randomly come across this. Oh-so- thank-you DazeDiva and apologies if I rant away.

I just finished another round of butterflies, yayy cant believe he called when he said he will, super date, long phone calls/BBM, couple more super dates (and not just in my head), uh what happened, where are we headed, what’s going on, where are u??? oh we are only friends now? maybe not?, but if not then etc etc… back to where are u?? And so where are "we"?. Not to mention the multiple times of friending/defriending on FB, I like you 'but', warnings of non-exclusivity etc. …. If this was one-off I would have ignored the immature ass but alas!

So I am very much a smart, educated BBY native, who has travelled a lot and lived away from home – yet never dated coz having been raised in Bombay/India I had successfully befriended, rejected, put off, ignored or then was ‘seeing someone’ from my existing college/work/neighborhood network – but they wouldn’t qualify as dating, as they ended up being minimum 1-year saga that pretty much headed the same way i.e. downhill….Until recently I was pushed into the dating game by my well-intentioned friends as the only way to do it these days and it has been a confusing ride.

So it is boy likes girl and vice versa, they hang out as adults while simultaneously testing waters BUT at some point (depending on their age, situation, chemistry, mutual understanding – usually after 5 odd dates) they decide to be together exclusively or part ways. You may chose to continue the coffees, dinners non-exclusively if both parties agree and are not emotionally vested – rare for a girl in the equation. What ends up happening - we keep dating more people simultaneously i.e. testing waters; that one is unable to commit/admit feelings to one. And the party that does communicate or admit to some feelings, drives the other away - not necessarily always the girl

Being in the early 30s, my idea of mindless hangouts without any exclusivity or being a f***buddy or lets go with the flow beyond dating for 3-6mths etc seems like a waste time of time AND this has nothing to do with the M word but just a need for something stable and genuine.

Eventually there is no thumb rule and the rules of the game will always vary depending on the person on the other side of the table. But I agree that the physical aspect of the equation is a personal choice and I would keep it out if both/either parties are non-exclusive. But do most guys think on the same lines? My experiences have been different – I have met a "few" guys recently who thought I was being a prude if its not a wham-bam event atleast after the second date – this after I am told that they are seeing other women. And mind you these are the NRIs, expats, men from multi-cultural backgrounds, who are definitely more experienced at dating- not just the homegrown desi boys

Someone please correct me if I am inexperienced, regressive or prudish

And I agree – where are the quality men to date?! Can someone please open some dating group with quality check and a Mexican restaurant while you are at it – both lacking in this lovely vibrant city.

MZ

The Relationship Company said...

One of the most interesting and worth reading blog I read.

 

A Bit About The Diva

Expressive. Volatile. A Dancer. At times a Writer. A Lover. A Friend. A Woman of many shades - which shade shall you uncover ? What you see is what you get .. think you can handle that?