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There is turbulence lurking under the calm surface exterior.
It turned out to be a late night on Saturday as I was finishing off the final master interviews for the documentary that I have been taking part in.
Just so that you don’t feel completely confused and in-over your head .. The documentary gives you an insight into the lives and perceptions of an NRI living in India (me); an Indian girl – NB - who is born and raised in India and an NRI guy – AC - living overseas. The documentary goes on to look at each character’s perspectives on relationships and thoughts on arranged and love marriage.
As some of you know, I’ve also set myself up as a guinea pig whilst exploring the route to marriage by way of the typical Indian matchmaker / priest as well as a matrimonial website (and I’ve done this because in 2 years of being here – it just seems more complicated when it comes to meeting men who know what they want !)
I came to realise a few things …
- No one is what they appear to be
- I cannot and will not compromise my personality and who I am for ANYONE
- I am not arranged marriage material
I already knew these things but now after taking part in the documentary – I just ‘know’ those things.
I got to hear a few things said by the male protagonist and somehow I just wasn’t surprised that a good looking, smart, educated male would go on to ‘talk down’ on the modern woman and her ways of life .. specifically – he was talking about ME !
This man – who has known me for all of a week perhaps – has spoken out about how he felt I was ‘clingy’, ‘could not take a hint that he was not interested’, ‘overly flirtatious’ and apparently ‘disrespectful to my mother’ !
This description is in the context of me being someone who is considering ‘an arranged marriage’ (and by arranged I don’t mean that I would just jump at whoever my parents point me at but in the sense that I’m at least open to the idea of meeting men who are interested in a serious LTR via my family / relatives etc)
That’s just a load of f**king crock mate ! At some point whilst I was being interviewed I eventually lashed out and pretty much cussed this man out.
Why ?? Because in his entire description of me – he failed to mention that HE made a MOVE ON ME - we kissed and fooled around a bit (and really it was just a bit!) and of course he totally forgot about that ! So I told it like it was ! The irony behind all of this was that I dropped him to the airport a few days later and even hung out with him for an hour in the waiting lounge where he pecked me good bye … Some people are just twisted in their thoughts. Maybe he should have thought about the fact that perhaps his actions led to me flirting more with him than I would normally do so.
This is why I’m not made for an arranged marriage scenario … there are too many ‘do’s & don’ts’ that one has to follow – especially the women … there’s way too much protocol on how one should behave, and what is considered acceptable in the company of a man who is looking to get married. That’s just rubbish as far as I go … who is the man trying to marry – ME or the FAKE ME who has to pretend to be someone that the guy would ‘want to’ marry ??
In one of my previous posts I wrote “You can be assured that the other person is never actually going to understand your view point because they are mentally just not ready to accept anything beyond their personal experiences and understanding”
In another post, I wrote about Actions & Interpretations – and I honestly believe it holds true especially with the newfound knowledge I have of this man – who I thought was a pretty cool guy. His actions – intentional or not (and he’d have to be pretty thick not to realise that everything he says is going to be shown on TV and people will make assumptions and my family will also watch this!) – have condoned any future of even a friendship between us.
I wrote a poem – Actions - quite a few years ago which I reckon summarizes the situation.
Apologies to all for the rant – but I was really annoyed about this ! I don’t judge you – you don’t judge me - is it that hard a concept to grasp ??
7 comments:
That's crazy, yo. Sorry for such a general summary, but that's pretty much what it is.
Forgive me for sounding potentially ignorant here, but are you sure India is the place you want to be? I know you've lived abroad, and that's obviously had some influence on who you are. And I mean that in a good way. You've had a head start, so to speak.
It's pretty well documented that India is changing in many ways, but it doesn't sound like the fundamental aspects of relationships are part of that yet. I'm gonna stop there, as I don't want to sound even more ignorant than I am. But bottom line, and I don't care if it's a man or a woman, one thing you should never do is try to change the person you're with. If people find that necessary, then they shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place.
Is that how most guys are over there? Still pretty old fashioned about that sort of thing? If so, then you have my sympathy. I don't claim to know you or anything, but I think you definitely deserve better than that.
@ DD - you're back :) and thanks for everything you've had to say .. I'm quite confused about whether or not to stay in India .. in terms of my career - the opportunities here and the spending power is so much greater than anywhere else; but in terms of my personal life - OMG it feels worse than hell :(
The guys here are still a bit backward even though they come across as 'forward' but I guess deep down they still want the 'innocent' woman .. which I can't be .. I've lived my life and can't change that ..
It really felt nice to know that someone understands where I'm coming from *big hug*
Wow its very interesting post. I enjoy it very much. thanks for this nice post.
He is just a twit with serious issues!! Send him $20 as your contributions to his mental health fund.
I left you a little something on my blog. Check it out.
This is just so random and uncalled for. I guess, this might just a way for the guy in question to make him him Alpha male or the chic magnet, whose charms women can't seem to resist. Both professional, personally and ethically such things, which I know for sure, said on camera are untrue.
Having known you for over 2 years now, I know for a fact that you are anything but "clingy". In fact, I would love for you to be over flirtatious ;), and more affectionate if anything. I guess, its just the numbers game. Both men and women are equally twisted in today's world, more so in this city that we reside in. My theory, look for lust and love will find you. lol.. Anyways, I don;t think this guy is worth your time and any space in your mind or on the web. You shouldn't change your ways for anyone. You are fanfu****gtastic the way you are.. Love you DC :) x
Wow. I'm really really surprised about the way things turned out. The guy in questions seemed cool but I guess he was a jerk. I think women like you (us) tend to sometimes intimidate men - specially Alphas and a lot of them mask their insecurities by saying these things. (By women like you/us: strong and independent women.) Forget him and move on to better things. I'm glad he showed his true colors before things became serious.
Now - in defense of the men here. They are not backward or old fashioned - - at least not any more than most of the Indian men (and some non Indian men) I've met around the world. And you know I've lived in a number of different cities and countries. I think because we are Indian women - we expect a bit more from the Indian men here. I personally think / believe (and I said the same thing in the documentary) - that the dating scene here is just as hard as it is anywhere else. It's just hard to find the right person - the one you'll want to be with for a long long time. Period. It's not Bombay's fault and it's not India's fault.
That's my two cents.
XOXO
Looks like my comment was deleted somehow so repeating ..
@ WSG .. I've put the contribution to his mental health fund. I just don't know where some people get off on such a trip to bad mouth someone else .. especially on film ! Since then I have found out that some parts of what he's said will be removed but it doesn't mean I'm any less annoyed about the whole thing
@ Sai .. Thanks hon, I really appreciate it. You're one of the few 'real' friends I have in this city and after 2 years, you're quite aware of what I am and what I am not like. Why is it that men have to try to be the Alpha Male - why can't they just be the men that they are instead of bringing up hidden pretenses ?
@ Dina .. it's true in a way; that Indian men all around the world are potentially the same - they have the same genetics somewhere that tells them 'lets confuse women 'cos we don't know what we want' .. and yeah it is hard to find somebody - anybody - that we want to spend a long time with let alone a lifetime with ..
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