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Showing posts with label people's perceptions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label people's perceptions. Show all posts

giletteBy Thomas Farley For Men's Life Today

In the Will Ferrell comedy Anchorman, Paul Rudd’s character proudly proclaims that his cologne -- Sex Panther -- is “illegal in nine countries.” He goes on to brag about its lady-killing qualities: “They’ve done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works … every time.”

If your cologne has similar powers, you’re a lucky man. But seducing the ladies is probably not uppermost in your mind when you splash your scent on in Take Your Scent From Day to Nightthe morning -- and it shouldn’t be. You’ve got to get through the workday first. The ideal, of course, would be a one-stop cologne solution for day and night. Something that, as Mehdi Lisi -- senior fragrance development manager for International Flavours and Fragrances -- says, would make you “feel fresh and clean in morning, go through the day feeling energized, and then become a machine of seduction at night.”

Unfortunately, chemistry -- both that of our bodies and that of cologne itself -- makes the one-application goal somewhat elusive. Made up largely of alcohol, cologne begins evaporating immediately upon touching your skin. As your body temperature warms, it dissipates even faster. By the end of the workday, chances are it will be long gone. So what’s the man in search of an all-day, all-purpose cologne to do? The experts have a few suggestions.

Most importantly, do not douse yourself with vast quantities of cologne to make it last. “Your office colleagues will kill you,” says A.J. Jones, from the Nickel Spa for Men in New York. It’s far better to reapply later in the day than to go too heavy in the morning. And this should go without saying, but if you’ve hit the gym on your lunch break or after work, you’ve got to shower before reapplying cologne. Otherwise, you’re only going to exude a nasty mash-up of sweat and scent. Jones also suggests using multiple products -- such as body wash, deodorant and aftershave or cologne -- from the same label. This will deliver the same scent to different parts of the body and in different intensities.

And there are ways to give your cologne a fighting chance at making it past the 5 p.m. whistle, says Sarah Horowitz, owner and chief perfumer of custom fragrance company Sarah Horowitz Parfums. For one, if you pour a bit into your hands and clap, it will help burn off the alcohol and reduce the cologne to its signature (and longest-lasting) elements. Another stratagem Horowitz offers is to layer the scent by applying it to places that will retain it longer: “Your skin radiates heat, but hair does not. Put some cologne on your hands and then smooth it into the back of your hair or onto your beard.” You can also dab a little on a jacket or shirt -- providing you’ve rubbed it into your hands first. Whatever you do, don’t spray cologne directly onto your clothing. You might smell good, but that big stain on your shirt will likely mitigate any positive effects.

And what of the holy grail? Is there a cologne that will allow you to strike the right notes at varying times of day? Indeed, there is. Colognes that contain two contrasting scents, such as citrus and wood, can help you create different impressions, says Lisi. Citrus, which has volatile molecules, will express itself early; as your workday wears on, however, the citrus notes will wear out and allow the sexier, more masculine woodsy notes to make their presence known. Consider it a two-tier approach. There are many types of cologne out there that will give you this one-two punch. Lisi recommends Diesel’s Only the Brave, Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch, I Am King by Sean John and The One by Dolce & Gabbana.

Regardless of the one you choose, know that a signature scent is something by which people will remember you long after you’ve left the room. Choose and apply your cologne wisely: It will serve you well throughout the day and beyond. Overdo it, however, and you might start reminding people of a out-of-date TV reporter -- one with a zero-percent chance of impressing anyone.

Photo: @iStockphoto.com/avisordesigns

As I was driving around the city tonight – it hit me … it’s not a weekend, it’s a weekday – a Tuesday in fact .. so why on earth did it feel like the entire city was out partying and creating havoc on the streets ?

crazy trafficMy girl, AM and I were discussing this … maybe it’s because we were out at a party where there were a good 150+ pax out to network; but surely they all couldn’t have left the party at the same time ?

I actually felt like I was driving on a Saturday night !! Some people have no sense of lane driving (and that would be asking for a lot out here !); and others should just be banned from driving altogether ! It’s ridiculous !

Whilst I generally don’t have too many issues with the insane traffic levels in the city (erm ok I’m being politically correct here) – it would be great if the weekend driving styles were left for the weekend (at least I can call a driver) !! I don’t need to stress on the road during the week as well !!

Have you noticed the insane number of people on the roads recently (or is this just a Bombay thing?)? Obviously the hike in petrol prices hasn’t stopped them from heading out for a spin !

There’s this guy from ASW (a social networking site) who has been texting & BB’ing me for a few weeks now.  His texts were always a ‘hey – hi’ sorta message which after a point – I just ignored.  In fact I told him that I am better at responding to people on the phone than I am via text / BB.

Especially when I don’t know the person,  I have no intention of ‘getting to know someone’ over a damned SMS / BB conversation.  Anything beyond 3-4 lines of communication warrants a phone call.  Once you are my BFF or near enough that sort of status – you can SMS / BB me.  Anyone who knows me – knows that it is my pet peeve !! (whole other blog post waiting to happen there !)

So anyway – this guy has called me twice / thrice and we have had good conversation.  He’s a surgeon – so the brain cells are definitely there.   However on 2 different occasions he has messaged me stating that he’d like to ask me out.iphone-texting

WTF ! Why would you ask out someone who you have never met over a BBM / SMS ?  Especially when the lines of phone communication have already been opened ? I never responded to those attempts – until last night.

The man sends me a message in the midst of a spa treatment (yes, metrosexual man) asking me out and my response was ‘seriously ? over a BBM message ? I don’t think so!’

Instant reaction – he picks up the phone and calls and goes on to explain to me  that the only reason he messages me is because I am the busy one ! Erm hellooooooo ! he’s the surgeon over here not me !! I throw parties for a living – everyone can call me ! But I’ll be damned if I pick up the phone and risk calling a cardiac surgeon in the middle of the day in case he’s got his hand stuck down someone’s heart !

Moving on, the guy gets a plus point for asking me out last night for next Saturday – a whole week ahead.  Minus points for suggesting going out to a very loud and crowded night club for a first meet-up !  Plus points gained however for telling me not to worry and that he would pick me up and drop me home too. 

Actually – I told  him straight out that I might have an event on Saturday night but as of last night it wasn’t confirmed.  Which is the truth.  And in the back of my mind – if that night club plan didn’t change to something more civilized like dinner & drinks – ‘my event would materialize’ !

I did hint that a night club might not be the most appropriate choice for the night but it could be played by ear.  After all – it’s just one date and he did actually pick up the phone and ask me out  … So lets see how that pans out; and I’ll keep you all posted on that.

For those of you that might have been asleep or missed out on this widely talked about event … S.L.U.T.W.A.L.K has been a trending topic on social networks since April; when the first Slutwalk took place in Toronto; and now it has found its way to Delhi.

It began on 24 January this year, when policeman Michael Sanguinetti walked into the Osgoode Hall Law School in Toronto, to tell women how to avoid sexual violence. "I've been told I'm not supposed to say this," Sanguinetti said. "However, women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimised."

And this is why Slutwalk Delhi that is due to take place on 25th June is important !! Indian society tends to blame the woman for any assault or rape.  It’s always the woman who was ‘asking for it’ because she was out late, or she was alone, or she was dressed in a particular way.  Women are the one who are ostracized and out casted in society if they have been victims of sexual assault and rape.  WHY ??

Slut Does Not Mean Whore

First of all – what is a slut ?  We as a society have changed the meaning of the the word slut to suit ourselves.  A slut for some means women who get too much attention; one suggests that slut is a woman with the morals of a man; for others its a woman who sleeps around; but pray tell – why is the word being used just for women ??

In the olden days, it used to mean someone who was dirty, unkempt; and later the Oxford dictionary defined it as someone with more than one sexual partner.  So I suppose all of us – men & women – are sluts if we have had more than one sexual partner.  

Why is it okay for a man to sleep with multiple women and be called a stud; but if a woman decides to sleep with more than one man she’s a slut / whore / and considered ‘easy’ ??   It’s NOT okay and we need to just grow the hell up and accept that in today’s day and age, everyone has a past, everyone has multiple partners, and it’s not something you should judge a person by !

N0 = NO.  Any Time. Every Time.

Just because nowadays, we, particularly women,  are more in charge of our sexual lives does not mean that it’s a green light to sexual assault.  When a woman says NO – it means NO.  Doesn’t matter what your mind thinks – NO = NO ! realmentakeno

To put it bluntly – ANYONE can get rape or sexually abused and victimized.  Man, Woman, Boy, Girl, even babies !! Yes there are some sick people out there.  Yes there is ‘male rape’ too . Which child of 8 years or 10 years goes around ‘provoking’ someone to sexually abuse or assault them ? What defence does a 2 year old child have ? For that matter – what defence does a 80 year old grandma have ? There was a recent case in Delhi where a 70 year old woman was raped !! Was granny parading around in her skimpiest best ‘asking for it’ ?

When I first moved to India almost 4 years ago, I got warned by everyone I know that I should never go to Delhi alone; that it was the ‘rape capital’ of the country; that Delhi was considered to a dangerous city for women.  I never quite believed it – but the latest police figures indicate that a woman is raped every 18 hours in Delhi.  That’s insane !! No wonder my mother panics at the thought of me going off to spend a few days in Delhi.  She just doesn’t know ‘what could’ happen. 

Whilst I’m really excited that finally – the women of India – especially Delhi – will get a chance to stand up for their rights of being able to walk the streets without being victimized; it really irks me the way some people (including some women) – especially men – are reacting to it.

I wanted to take a club and smash a few heads on Twitter yesterday based on the tweets I was reading.  There were men who were just  trivializing the entire concept of Slutwalk; using it as a form of very bad puns and generally being quite disgusting about it.   Just the fact that men are making a joke about ‘how much would they have to pay for a slut’ makes me want to take a knife, slice their d*cks and chop their balls !! Yup I said that – and I’d do it too.

man slutGuys – don’t you have a mother, sister, wife or daughter ? How would you like it if another man tried to verbally or physically assault them ? Wouldn’t you want to tear that monster from limb to limb for touching your family ? Or would you blame your sister, wife, daughter for provoking a man into believing that they wanted to get harassed, leered and even raped ?

Instead of making lewd comments and jokes about such a strong subject, shouldn’t you be out there with your female friends, sisters, aunts, daughters and mothers supporting them ??  I’m proud of the fact that all my guy friends who were in Toronto and London were a part of SlutWalk.

Here’s A Thought For Men

How would you like to be violated and have an unwanted penis rip open your anus and treat you like a piece of meat ?  The thought makes you shudder doesn’t it ??  Now multiply that an infinite time and that’s what a woman goes through every time she is violated verbally or physically.  Sexual assault is NOT a joke .

Do you even realize what it feels like to be stared at like a piece of meat that could be pounced upon ? Do you ever walk out of the house thinking ‘oh shit, maybe I should have worn jeans instead of shorts’ ? Do you make sure to lock your car door the minute you get into it ? Do you check the back seat of your car before you lock yourself in the car ? Do you switch your car light on when passing a police check so that the male cops don’t stop you ? Do you grab your back pack and squeeze your body tight whilst you try to walk past the crowd hoping that no one tries to grab your ass or brush against your chest ?

NO – you probably don’t have to do that.  So WHY should a woman have to do that ? I’m a modern woman used to living across the globe and yet in what should be my ‘mother land’ – I walk around concerned about how people are leering at me; and how I have had to slap some guys for brushing up against me inappropriately on an empty road. 

Are You Walking With The Sluts ?

slutwalk_descriptionSlutWalk is a movement for freedom of expression; including freedom of sexual expression.  By using the word ‘slut’ – we are coming together to take back the social meaning that has been assigned to the word.  For all of those making lewd jokes about SlutWalk – the more you keep at it – the more people become aware about it.  It’s only been a few days – but women (and men) across India – especially in the metro cities – are waking up and expressing themselves. 

So what if the uncles, aunties, and the more prudish amongst society are trying to turn a blind eye to what is really going on – it’s up to US – Gen Y and Gen Z to make a difference.  It’s up to us to stand up for the right to be able to express ourselves.  It’s up to us to educate others around us that it’s NOT acceptable to play the blame game on assault victims. 

For all the women and men who will be participating in SlutWalk Delhi - ‘hats off to you all’ for being a part of this global movement.

Further Reading …

  1. Her Dress Is Not A Yes
  2. Of Sluts & Walks
  3. For The Love Of Sluts
  4. Slutwalk TO: It Rocked
  5. I Became A Slut At The Age of 10 
  6. Why Men Should Join SlutWalk

 

As you know I came across a stranger that I connected with on flight; and we had parted ways saying we would both like to make plans to see each other somehow over the next 48 hours whilst he was still in the city.

For most of the taxi ride home, my mind sort of drifted to make head or tail of the way our interaction unfolded; and in the end I just thought ‘well everything happens for a reason’.  Right ? It couldn’t have been a bad thing ! In fact it was possibly the most fun thing to happen to me.  Maybe it was the universal spectrum communicating with me.

T-48 Hours

too-tiredI had a ton of things to do once I got home by 12:30 – unpack; sort out a few gift items; catch up on a few days worth of emails; get back into instant work mode.  It was such a jerk to my system and that too after being sleep deprived for close to 30 hours; not to mention the time zones my body had been through.  I’d been on 4 flights, driven over 2500 kms in 5 days and slept less than 5 hours a night .. my body was crashing on me.  By 6:30 p.m I started dozing, before which I dropped a quick note to Airport Boy, and found myself waking up by 9:30 p.m, totally disorientated.  Did I want to eat (I was starving); have another shower or just stay curled up in bed ?

I think I ate something; managed the shower; fell back into bed and woke up to find my laptop had died out on me and it was just past 1 a.m according to my crackberry.  Oh and Airport Boy had replied as well; ended up sending a few texts back & forth and as much as I wouldn’t have minded taking him up on the offer for a back massage (which he did suggest once again) – at 2 a.m there was no way I was gonna be able to get out of bed; drive to the suburbs and explain that to my father in the morning once I got back home !

The boy fell asleep messaging me.  That was a day gone to waste.  Would I get to see him the following day ?

T-24 Hours

I already knew he had a busy schedule for the first half of the day– so did I; and both of us had plans in the evening.  NC had lined us up an 8 p.m meeting and he was off to a friends’ sangeet function.  At about 5ish – a quick text hello & to have a good night; I got a call back.

From the sounds of the call – didn’t look like we were going to be able to meet up.  He did apologize for passing out on me and then said something which struck me .. “I guess we missed our chance last night" .. and it seemed that way too.  We chatted a bit more, planned to stay in touch and hung up.

I stared back at my phone thinking, ‘wait a minute – I would like to see him; he’s not meet up laterfrom the city and as a planner I’m sure I can figure a way to manage this’ .. so I called him back (and he did sound a bit surprised) and told him point blank that his words got me thinking; and if he was up for it – I would be happy to pick him up in the morning and we could go for breakfast near the airport at one of the hotels and then I could drop him off’.   This was a plan that could work – I knew it could – he liked the idea and agreed with me.

A few hours later, in the midst of my meeting I got a message from him telling me that he had to return the SIM card he was using; and he was moving location; but to message him the time and place for the following day and that he would be there and meet me directly.  I had replied to him with a fixed time & location but perhaps an hour later when I was actually done with the meeting.

T-5 hours

I woke up early with a dozen thoughts going through my mind.  Should I have called him back last night instead of the message ? Surely he would let me know if there’s a change in plans.  We had discussed on the phone an approximate time to meet ~9ish at one of the airport hotels and even though he had to give his Sim card back – he could always keep my number handy (he had my business card) and call me from someone else’s phone.

My mate Addiee told me to stop thinking so much and just get myself over to the hotel and wait for him there.  If he needed to get in touch with me – he would and since he hadn’t as yet – all was battery lowas planned.  And so I made my way from Colaba to Andheri and found myself in the lobby of the ITC Grand Maratha – keeping an eye out for a complete stranger who I might not ever see again.

With my phone on the verge of dying on me (seriously the BB needs proper battery life!); the trainee at the business center came to the rescue which meant I was without a phone for 15 minutes.  What if he called during that time ? So I did what anyone would do (at least I think they would do this) … perched myself on a seat in the lobby with a view of the front door and waited …

I found myself at the airport in Dubai almost panicking because I couldn’t see my scheduled flight. Not that I minded staying back but NCdelayed would have killed me if I didn’t get on this flight.

I had been bumped off my original flight; and then the seat I had the following day was changed to a later flight – first 3 p.m, then 11 p.m, and then 3 a.m.  At about 1 a.m I’m wandering around the airport trying to figure out when the hell my flight was. At about 2:30 a.m, I see the notice that the flight has been delayed further to about 5 a.m ! Not a good sign considering I’d been awake since 6 a.m that morning and getting fairly cranky and hungry too !

To make things worse – my Wifi wasn’t working. After checking with the information booth who claimed that it was definitely working – I walked back towards my gate and just to double check – asked the only non-creepy looking guy whether his Wifi was working. It was .. but no matter what I did – my laptop refused to connect.

I don’t know why – but I went back to the guy (lets refer to him as Airport Boy) to ask him if it was still working. Ended up sitting a seat away from him whilst he offered to figure out what seemed to be the problem with my laptop connection but to no avail.

We did end up chatting though – right until we boarded the flight. Funnily we were on the same row but on opposite sides; and he signals for me to come and join him. Which I do. We continue chatting away like old friends. And then, I realize that he’s oh-so-lightly stroking my hand – not quite sure how to react – I just went with the flow.

812072-flirtingBefore I know it – Airport Boy has leaned over, cupped the side of my face and kissed me. Now that’s one way of shutting me up !! (I’ve been told that I can talk … a lot) It wasn’t an aggressive kiss, far from that – borderline gentle but completely in control. He did mention that his plan was to get the two of us banned from the airline so we would never have to face such awful flight delays again !! (but seriously I don’t mind a flight delay if the benefits involve impromptu kisses from a cute stranger)

We continue chatting as if this is all quite the norm and are decidedly quite comfortable with one another. I like that in a man – confidence, sharp and a sense of humour. I also liked the fact that I didn’t have to do anything other than initiate the first bit of conversation. The feeling of knowing someone is showing an obvious interest and actually doing something about it … now that’s flattering. (compared to some of the crazy men I’ve met over the past 3 years – this was refreshing!)

Of course the surreal flight has to come to an end – but luckily his charm didn’t flat line once we landed and got out towards immigration.  For the first time, I was grateful for luggage delays and between a few quick hugs and some playful cheek punches – the two of us managed to find our way to the taxi stand for the inevitable goodbye.

So there we were – two strangers who found some sort of a connection on a flight – trying to figure out a way to meet again.  He had 2 days in the city before flying back out – and I had work to do – yet the two of us seemed to ‘want’ to find a way to meet again.  Numbers were exchanged; tentative plans were made – a parting hug, a quick kiss and we were both on our separate paths.

On my ride home – I thought about what had happened over the past few hours and couldn’t quite believe it.  It made me smile and I liked that.  I knew I’d like to see him again – if anything for the great company (although there could be the chance that he might just blank me out) – but its just one date (kinda) – no harm in asking / following through right ?

Has that happened to you ? Ever meet someone in the most unexpected place and just ‘click’ at some level or the other ?  It still feels quite surreal when I think about it … I mean, really – that actually happened …

A few days ago I read a post ‘Forgive & Forget’ by Buck Rob – and its been on my mind ever since.  Whilst I agree on his sentiments that as an adult we have the ability to either bring it up & be childish about it or just refrain from digging up the past and move on; I wanted to add a bit more to it ..

Forgive Me ?

forgive_and_forgetI could forgive a person for their actions; but I wouldn’t ever forget it.  Would I bring it up again to them and constantly rub it in their face and remind them of their misdeeds ? Depending on how bad the situation was – and how soon I was facing that person – I might be tempted to and it might even slip out.  I wouldn’t do it constantly though.  I think once or twice is sufficient to make a point.

I have in the past forgiven two exes for cheating on me.  We are still friends, but I have never forgotten it. It’s the reason why I would never go back to them. Even though, by far over all these years – these two men know me (in some ways) better than I know myself. (Or maybe I give them that credit ‘cos it’s the closest anyone has come to knowing me). 

I never quite forgave the girl that hooked up with the one ex though. She was supposed to be my friend (of 12 years might I add). I couldn’t forgive her or forget what she did. I decided to cut her out of my life. I stopped any contact with her. Blanked her when I saw her. She lied to my face and denied hooking up with the ex. The ex had already admitted it to me. That’s why I forgave him. He grew some balls and told me the facts and apologized. I gave him hell for a long time – in jokes, in passing comments – but I forgave him.

Shit happens. People fuck up. But if you can admit your mistake – that’s something else; and I’d forgive you there and then.  It takes courage to admit that one is wrong and if one is willing to face the consequences of their actions – then its worth forgiving him / her.  Obviously this might not work 100% of the time but its a personal choice.

Forgot Something ?

I suppose I could even forget about something and just put it in the back of my mind – you know – lock it up and never go back there.  It’s there – some might say that it’s not really forgotten but it’s forgotten for the time.  My relationship with my sister (or lack of) tends to work this way.  We fight, we bitch, we hate, we forget, we become semi-tolerant of each other and then we repeat the cycle.  This is more of an ‘ignore’ the situation sort of reaction.

Then there are other relationships with friends, acquaintances, work colleagues where you could ignore / forget something or part of something they have said or done; and just continue your daily routine with them because it’s really not worth it.

I saw the aforementioned ex-friend last year; 10 years after the ‘cheating’ incident.  She came up to me at a common friends’ wedding, said hello and introduced me to her husband. I said hi – made small chit chat for a grand total of 5 minutes – and walked away.  Have I forgiven her ? Not really. Have I forgotten what she did ? No.  Have I moved on since then ?  Yes.  Since she’s no longer an important part of my life – which is perhaps why – I can be a grown up and say hello and walk away. I have moved on and so has she.

Then there’s your close friends.  Another girlfriend of 13 odd years went slightly crazy on me about 2 years ago; started accusing me of being too friendly with her boyfriends AND her exes too.  Long story short – we stopped all communication after I told her that she was being insecure.  Six months later, she’s talking to me as if nothing happened.  Sure I spoke to her; but kept a distance in case she flipped out again.  Did I forgive her for her accusations ? Yeah sure.  Did I forget about them ? Yes & No.  Personally, if my closest friend ‘doubts’ me – then that’s not cool and we’re not really close anymore.  I meet her on & off; we hang out – I’ve chosen to forget the past incidents and just get on with things. 

However the damage in both the above friendships can’t be repaired and I’m not vindictive towards either of the women. I just don’t really care any more.

I’ve Had It With You !

That’s when I just say ‘F*ck It’.  It’s a harsh decision and that my friend, is where you don’t want to be.  Once I’ve decided that – it’s the be all and end all of any sort of relationship or rapport I would have shared with you in any capacity.  fuck-it-downvoters-maybe-when-school-starts-and-the-trolls-h-demotivational-poster-1250604404I am one of those people that can CUT someone out of my life and not blink twice.  That decision is made – rash or not.  The aftermath is a whole other blog post.  It can be a relief or  it can hurts like hell too.  An emotional roller coaster ride is never easy. 

Before moving to India – I was head over heels in love with this man.  We were taking things easy and going with the flow.  No labels, no tags, it was just him and me.  1.5 year later – we’re still together and things look serious.  Out of no-where, this man breaks up with me a month after discussing getting engaged.  I didn’t know what hit me.  His reasoning didn’t make any sense and I refused to accept it.  For weeks after our break-up he would call to check on me; and each call threw me completely off balance.  For the sake of my own sanity and to avoid further heart break – I cut him out and just adopted a ‘fuck it’ attitude.  It tore me apart; it still does – but it had to be done.

Then there are the people that make you question whether or not you need them in your life.  This guy I knew whilst living in Bombay wanted to do business with me; we were both in the same line of work so decided to work on a project together.  It didn’t matter to him that we knew each other for 2 years – he absolutely skanked & cheated me of a hefty sum of dosh.  Despite trying to reason with him on this – he denied ever taking any of this money.  I made a decision to get rid of slime balls like him; and cut him out.  A year later – he has tried a few texts to get my attention; the best one asking ‘I think there’s a misunderstanding’ .. Seriously, good riddance to bad rubbish.   I can’t believe he was ever a friend.

I think we all hit a point in our relationships with others where we need to determine how important they are in your life; and whether you really want to associate with them.  There are people we can forgive; people who we choose to forget their flaws & quirks to keep things peaceful and then when that time bomb erupts and you can’t take it anymore – one decides to just say ‘f*ck it’

So are you the type that can forgive and forget ? Do you forget or push things behind but don’t really forgive and hold that tiny grudge ? Do you just forget (i.e.  ignore) to keep a situation calm ? Or are you able to just say ‘f*ck it’ and move on with whatever you have to do ? Thoughts ?

The other night, whilst going through my blog roll and catching up on my favourite bloggers, I found that there was a topic that quite a few people were discussing (turns out it was a project for the Insomnia Club).  It fascinated me; made me want to express my own thoughts on the subject; and just when I penned my title for the post – I realized that my blogger friend Jess Downey had already used the title I wanted to use.

Damnit.  Now what am I gonna do ? So while I figure out what my title will be – let’s get on to the subject at hand.

Boys & Girls, Ladies & Gentlemen – I hereby ask you to look into your past histoire with the opposite sex and think long and hard about ….  The Fade.

That’s right.  You know when you suddenly stopped hearing from that guy / girl you were interested in and the texts & phone calls just sort of plummeted or altogether disappeared.  They pulled a Fade on you.  That guy / girl didn’t know just how to (in the words of Nikki B) ‘own their shit’ and tell you that they really just weren’t that into you. 

I Fade. You Fade. We Both Fade Away

It’s different, and not so bad, when no feelings and when The Fade is ‘mutual’ as Miss Melissa Mae points out.  I’ve been there before; I’m sure you have too.

mutual-separation-1Back in university, I had started dating this guy about 2 months before the Xmas holidays.  We both went off to our home countries for a few weeks and gradually just cut down on our communication.  Four weeks later, we’re back at university and with our different course schedules, just sort of ‘faded away’ from each others lives.  Sure I saw him every now and then at friends’ parties and we could talk at ease.  It was an easy end for us with no hard feelings.

When you are casually dating someone, or at the beginning stages when you’ve just started spending time with someone – sometimes you just know that ‘this’ isn’t quite what you want.  Both know that ‘this’ is not long term; it’s just a distraction.  Both are ready to move on when something else catches their attention.  No hard feelings.  It was never meant to be anyway.

He Fades. She Fades.

Without pulling the gender card here – it does appear that men tend to use the fade more than women do.  It doesn’t mean that women don’t do it – I just mean that guys are more likely to ‘fade’ than a woman. 

Why ? When you’ve only just gone out on a few casual dates (i.e. 2 – 4) then who wants the drama of letting a girl (or guy) down.  Women are generally more sensitive than men but seriously we can take the hit of a break-up (I’m pretty certain that having a baby would be more painful !!).  Sure, we may not like it – we may even get upset and hurl some abuse – but at least now we ‘know’ that it’s a break-up and can easily move on.

Miss Taylor Cast wrote a fab letter which can be addressed to all the disappearing men – check out her post ‘Fading into the Shadows’.  Women (and some men) don’t want to be left wondering about WTF just happened, where the hell did you go, and come up with scenarios (and excuses) about ‘why’ you just picked up and disappeared without so much as a goodbye.  Don’t say hello if you aren’t in the habit of saying goodbye as put by Simone Grant.

To Fade Or Not To Fade

The Fade is a total Cop Out.  A way of avoiding all the ‘real’ things that come with rejecting or jilting a person i.e. the anger, the hurt, the potential tears, maybe even having things thrown at you.   It’s only fair that the person deserves a phone call to say you are no longer interested (although with BBM, Whatsapp, IM – you could even try that if you can’t face the phone call).  If you don’t want to give a full blown explanation – don’t do it – but the very least you can do is have the decency of calling and saying that you ‘just aren’t into him/her’.

There are many other reasons behindchemistry cartoon the ‘fade’.  You won’t know them; perhaps neither will the person who’s fading away.  Maybe he didn’t like the fact that you obsess over your dog / cat a bit too much; maybe she didn’t like the way you talk down to everyone around you and lack general manners ? Do any of these things really matter ? Do you really want to break your head over a man / woman who couldn’t even tell you that they didn’t feel the chemistry any more ?

The Urban Dater points out that it doesn’t really matter who’s fault it is because if the person was ‘ready’ they wouldn’t have pulled the fade in the first place.  In the future, if you feel someone is pulling a fade on you – just remember – if the person can’t man / woman up and tell you how they feel – do you really need someone like that in your life ? You are better than that.  You deserve better than that.  Don’t make an excuse for the fader. 

If you are fortunate enough to avoid the fade and to meet a man / woman who is honest and open enough to tell you that they really aren’t feeling the vibe anymore – don’t lash out and try to convince them that you are the one for them !! As hard as it may be to admit that you aren’t the one for him / her – just accept (with grace) that this isn’t going to happen.  If you keep trying to convince them otherwise, the poor man / woman is gonna opt for ‘fading’ the next time they are in that situation !  The Man Sam Sharpe has been there !

The Unacceptable Fade

Do NOT even attempt to pull a fade on someone who you refer to you as your boyfriend or your girlfriend.  Do NOT even think about pulling a crazy stunt or becoming the douchebag who makes ‘future’ plans, who says ‘we’ instead of you & I and just disappears.  That is unacceptable behaviour from any man or woman.

Honesty is key in any relationship and if you have committed to something – at least own up to your feelings and communicate this with your partner.  Don’t just walk out as if the relationship meant nothing to you !

So kudos to you if have never had to pull the fade on anyone before.  If you have pulled the fade, I would hope it’s because you were afraid of being stalked / harmed and not because you didn’t know how to come out and deal with the consequences of breaking up with someone.

What are your thoughts ? Have you resorted to using the Fade before ? Have you been the victim of the fade ? Don’t forget to check out what the members of the Insomniac Club have to say :

  1. Fade To Black by The Urban Dater insomnia 3
  2. Don’t Say Hello by Simone Grant
  3. Sometimes Silence is the Best Closure by MetAnotherFrog
  4. The Fade by Miss Melisa Mae
  5. You Say Fade? I Say Cop-Out by Women Are From Mars
  6. To Fade or Not to Fade by Jess Downey
  7. Fade Away and Forget-Met-Not by Feisty Woman
  8. Eyes Open by Totally Tyler
  9. Ms. Fading Failure by Man-Shopper
  10. Where The Hell Did You Go by SingleMuch
  11. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by F*cking in Brooklyn
  12. Da Fade, Ladies and Gentlemen, by Thank You For Your Sex™
  13. Fading Into the Shadows by Miss Taylor Cast

It’s very difficult for me to convey my emotions … but I’m going to try as it’s been eating me up inside ..

We met just over a year & a half ago and there was an electric flash that caused some sort of instant connection.  That’s the best way to describe the feeling that overpowered me.  There was not a day (or night) that went by when we didn’t meet each other.  Some of my friends thought it was obsessive almost – but I didn’t care – I was blindly happy.

I did a fair amount of traveling between 2009 & 2010 and we always travelled together – even when I was going for work related trips.  Nothing seemed to keep us apart.  My friends and family got used to you as a permanent additional attachment to me and everyone around me just came to accept that this was a package deal for them. 

It’s true, that not everyone can be genuinely happy for someone else .. and I started to believe that when things suddenly started to change.  Some say that perhaps I took it for granted that all would be hunky dory; others say that you got tired of being judged.

It would cut me up to see you get drained out halfway through the day / night.  There were times you would just switch off to the world; and I got tired of explaining ‘why’ you were behaving this way.  I was so relieved when you went away for the pampering sessions I got for you; it filled me with hope that you would come back as your old sharp shooting self … but there was still some sort of strain weighing you down.

I’d never seen this side of you.  My friends told me, in fact even warned me, that I should just let go before its too late; before I really get hurt .. but I couldn’t just give up on what we had … You were not as wild as when we first met, there was a sudden cautiousness about you .. I found myself looking out for you when you were in the company of strangers lest they saw your mood swings … Somewhere deep down in my heart – I knew that you were sick – that you were just trying to keep up a brave facade .. but you never told me yourself …

We tried to take a break … go our own separate ways for the night just to give each other some space … but as the old saying goes ‘out of sight out of mind’ … I found myself meeting other creative souls – each with a different insight; who I later discovered would watch my every move with the same intensity that you ‘used’ to watch me with ..

It came to a point that you were spending more time at your workshop and spa than you were with me … I found your insurance papers and realized that the ‘spa’ was providing you with healing sessions .. I would bring it up now and then, but you never wanted to discuss it … I could only hope that with each new session I saw you off at – you would come back as your formidable former-self …. after sharing so much together, how did things come to be this way ? 

And then I got the one phone call I never wanted to get … The ‘healing center’ told me that you were going in and out of shock; your condition wasn’t stabilizing; any more treatment wouldn’t necessarily help because your body wouldn’t be able to handle it; and they didn’t know how long you would last.

I didn’t know what to do – my world was being turned upside down and inside out .. other than wait for the inevitable - there was nothing else I could do.  I held on to you for weeks as I watched you slip away from me, until you were no more.

One minute you were with me, and the  next you were gone.  Then came the arduous task of going through the various paperwork that you left behind … just when I couldn’t take it any more – one of the administrators handed over a signed document and it had my signature on it … I didn’t even remember signing it !!

Despite your ailment and condition, reading this document made me realize just how much you thought ahead for me … you had planned it all along when we took out insurance together soon after we had first met … it means a lot to me that you did this .. it’s going to be hard to love again … nothing can replace you … but for now .. this will just have to do … It’s a sign ..

……….

………….

………………

…………………………………..

olympus-mju-tough-3000

That’s right – my original Olympus µ1050 crashed and burned on me but thanks to the warranty and some smart thinking on the part of the repair center – I got a replacement digital camera !

Who or what did you think I was talking about =P ?? I wish I could have taken a picture of your expression as you finished off this post =P  Anyone who knows me would realize that my camera is one of my guilty pleasures !! Come on then – smile for the camera :P

Now WHY would you want to pick up anyone off the road ?   For fun … that’s why I did it :P  My girlfriends have always teased me for noticing men on the road – it’s not my fault that I’m attentive … I’ve been slightly deprived of eye-candy so it’s always nice to take a few seconds to check out what is out there on the streets :P

One fine evening during the last week of December – my girlfriends and I were on the phone on a conference call whilst I figured out my plans for the rest of the night.  They were in agreement that at the rate I was going – I’d end up picking up a man off the street if only for the ‘eye candy company’.

Whilst driving in the general direction of the suburbs; after the chat with the girls and a quick chat with a particularly charming young man –cash cash I decided that I could definitely ‘pick up’ a guy off the road … How hard could it be right ?  All one needs is :

  1. a nice set of wheels (check – black tinted Honda City),
  2. a bit of an edge (check – I can’t blow my own trumpet too much can I ?) and
  3. CASH (who can resist cash – and no I wasn’t seeking out a gigolo)

And then I saw him .. tall, well built (not buff but not lanky either), scruffy hair and a slight stubble .. wandering up & down the road looking slightly lost and very much in search of food … definitely time to make a move ;) 

I rolled down my window, and called out to him (can’t remember if I asked him if he needed a ride or if he was lost) … The lad has swaggered over to the car, told me that he needs food (it’s well past 11 p.m and food could prove difficult!) .. he got him into the car (quite easily might I add – especially after a quick flash of cash) .. took a short drive to park up .. and found a lil’ cafe that would serve him some kebab style rolls. 

The two of us ended up having a diverse and stimulating conversation (which lasted just over an hour and a bit) – something I haven’t had the pleasure of doing with someone new.  In the end – I didn’t have to fork out any cash for the great company – in fact I ended up driving him back towards his office.  Who can blame a girl for enjoying good company (not to mention eye candy in the form of a topless treat !!!)

After the year I had in 2010, the last few days of December proved to provide some sort of spice in my life ;) and the Roadside Romeo that I found loitering around one of the by-lanes of Bandra was just too cute to resist !

Disclaimer :  Obviously it’s NOT safe to go around picking up random men or women off the streets anywhere !! I would NOT recommend that you try this at all unless you KNOW the person ! I’m just a bit mental that way :P

One of my favourite tracks =)  A very special man in my life always tells me this song reminds him of me … and whenever I hear it – I get a big smile on my face …

I remember the two of us being so engrossed in a conversation with each other that we didn’t even realize that the rest of the group in my apartment had left until quite a few hours later !

This was 8 years ago … and even today – if I call him – he knows exactly what I’m thinking or what it is that I am trying to say … it stumps us both every time … we’ve both moved on in our lives but it’s a nice fuzzy feeling to know that someone else other than (your significant other for those that have them) and you yourself - ‘gets you’ …

SN – you really do make my soul feel complete !!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the actual post link here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

I’ve been watching this TV show called ‘Flash Forward’ for a few weeks now. Have you ever seen it or heard of it ? I didn’t know about it until I ran out of things to watch on the HD – and saw that my bro had this particular series saved.

To summarize – the world is hit by a global blackout for just over 2 minutes; everyone passes out and gets a glimpse of their lives 6 months in to the future.

The night before last - it was as if I had a mini-epiphany or a ‘eureka moment’ ! (not that I’d know that but you get my drift) It may not be everything-happens-for-a-reason1for some but for me it sure as hell felt like it. I’ve had a crazy busy few weeks and have been exhausted. And just as I was dozing off – it all kinda made sense.

Whatever happens – happens for a reason and is a consequence of our actions. We have created the paths that we walk on; and as much as we can change our path; and try new ones – we will end up wherever we were meant to be. Wherever fate / destiny wants us to be.

And ironically enough – I got this quote come through my inbox which I think is perfect for this post :

"The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation through choice of action."
-- John Dewey

I’m not someone who gets drawn by horoscopes, astrology etc – sure I check my star sign out every now and then when I scan the papers but it’s not like I go out of my way to see what ‘destiny’ or the the higher powers have in store for me for that day … Perhaps about a week or ten days ago – my sister (also same star sign) gave me something to read and she is firm believer in destiny and ‘angels’ amongst other things … slightly conflicted reading material but overall positive news for my star sign along with lots of specific dates provided.

So the point of this post … well there isn’t one really – it’s just that the other night – it all fell into place and I just ‘accepted’ that everything happens for a reason. In my mind – I got that little eureka moment just so I could write this post (haha conceited I know but what the hell).

Oh well – madam NC will be happy to know that I might just have to ‘accept’ the fact that I am in this particular city for reasons beyond my comprehension (and perhaps I will never know why); and that I will TRY not to send out the negative energies that she insists I send out all the time =P

Over the last few weeks I’ve really been wanting to put some perspective on the dating scene in Bombay or Mumbai (whatever you want to call it). I initially brought it up in ‘Dating ? What’s That ?’ and then hashed it out in Dating is Not Easy .. Especially in Bombay’ which is when I realized that I needed to put more depth to it .. Of course I could have been completely biased so I went and got a male perspective too ‘Exploring the Unknown World of Dating .. Still’ and sorta broke things down further …

A few weeks ago – as if by miracle – I found an article titled ‘Dating In A Foreign Land’ on the Hindustan Times Blog written by a social networking associate of mine – Naomi Canton. She heads an Expat Group in Bombay and is a pretty cool chick.

side note : I had already titled my blog post with the same name and then I found her post – so had to add the Bombay bit to it)

Every city / country has their own perception of what is and what does not constitute dating. The potpourri that I am – it’s no wonder that the dating dynamics of Bombay have me confused !!!

In the UK and Canada – dating or being in a relationship is defined by the physical side of the relationship. You can consider yourself dating / being in a relationship with someone if from the outset there is an emotional connection and physical attraction between two people. You meet a perfect stranger and realize there’s this ‘chemistry’ or ‘unknown connection’ that draws you to them and you go out on a ‘date’ and that results in a ‘more dates’ and within a few ‘dates’ the two of you are in a relationship.

I have never known any of my friends to get involved in relationships with each other – because if you are already ‘friends’ then its highly unlikely that two people from the same friends circle will ever get together. It’s a big fat ‘ewww’ if you ask me.

In India – at least in Bombay – it’s a bit different. The local born and brought up guys and girls; men and women of Bombay - don’t quite seem to catch the drift of the concept of dating. They all want to …

1. Be Friends …. yes .. Friends First

So … what’s wrong with that ? Nothing to some – and a bit weird for someone like me. I LIKE the idea of ‘not dating a friend’ because it allows me to get to know somebody outside my social circle. It’s a nice feeling to be with someone who accepts you for who you are ‘before you’ve become friends’ so that you can both grow together in a relationship as a couple.

I’ve met people – who have been friends for 5+ years and have started dating perhaps a few years into the friendship; which in turn has resulted some relationships to last a few years (literally) and eventually ends in ..

  1. Marriage.
    • That’s wonderful – for them. For me – that’s like saying ‘oh marry your best mate’ AND that is a crazy idea !! I love my boys to bits but could never see myself marrying them. I’d hope that my potential partner has similar qualities to them but he’d never ‘be them’.
  2. They break-up but stay good friends.
    • And I really mean ‘friends’. I know of one such ‘separated couple’ who are still in regular (almost weekly) contact and have even travelled together as a part of a larger group which I was a part of.
  3. They break-up and cut each other out.
    • Yes it’s normal to cut off from your ex to avoid all the heart ache and drama. No more needs to be said.

2. Be Acquaintances with Benefits. Not even ‘friends’ with benefits.

There is no grey matter. It’s black or white. Of course that’s not true – there is a very small percentage (based on my network of friends, acquaintances & clients) of people who fall in the obvious grey matter. But you get my drift. (in my world – there are no ‘friends’ with benefits – that’s just a polite way to associate someone you are hooking up with)

The trend here (and I speak from personal experience) is that these guys and girls often end up in the following situations :

  1. Struck Out After A Date / 2nd Base.
    • You meet at a bar or party. Exchange Numbers. Strike a conversation via SMS (yes SMS is apparently the way to communicate with a member of the opposite sex); or even BBM (seriously how can a BBM exchange be considered a way to flirt?)
    • You meet up again on what appears to be a ‘date’. Spend a lot of time with each other. Nothing happens. Implication : He’s a gent. She’s comes from a respectable family.
    • You meet up again and the same thing happens. The chemistry is there – both of you can see it – but neither does anything about. Girl doesn’t make a move in case the Guy thinks she’s too forward or *gasp* ‘easy’. Boy doesn’t make a move ‘cos he’s trying to be a gent (erm really?); he’s not sure if she wants him to make a move on her; he wants to but doesn’t want a slap in the face !
    • Next scenario is that both of you do get to doing all that is pleasurable i.e. foreplay but never get any real ‘action’. That’s because the Girl wants to appear casual but really she isn’t going to sleep with the guy until she knows he’s going to establish a relationship. The Guy gets stuck in a catch 22 because he wants to do her – but out of respect (and not wanting to be thrown out with blue balls) – he obliges and doesn’t pursue the ‘action’ partbootycall1 of it hoping that the next time round – he will get some. This can keep going on until both parties admit they want to have sex !
  2. The Hook Up aka The Booty Call.
    • The chemistry is there from the moment you both laid eyes on each other but alas you are acquaintances and there are social norms to be followed.
    • So weeks / months of seeing each other at parties / social gatherings – one of you makes the move; and behold – you have the hook up !
    • He / She could be your hook up / booty call as often or as little as you like. Neither has intentions of being serious – but damn it – at least there’s someone who wants YOU for the day / night.
  3. Wham Bham Thank You Sir / Ma’am.
    • I’ve seen this happen – at clubs – not very often but enough to have caught my attention.
    • You can tell from the look on the person that all they want is a shag and that’s all its ever gonna be.
    • You will probably never see this person again – because he/she is not in your regular social circle.

3. Be Stuck In Limbo … Neither Here or There

This is the classic one that I’ve discovered. People are stuck in limbo. These tend to be guys & girls who would be considered a good catch to date – however they have a few unresolved issues within themselves.

  1. Mixed Emotions / Signals.
    • The guy or girl appears interested and just when you are fed up of ‘not knowing’ whether or not there is any chemistry they drop a bomb on you.
    • The bomb tends to be ‘I’m not too sure what I want right now’ or ‘I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship’ … you get my drift.
  2. Too Much Too Soon
    • We’ve all been eager at times; perhaps too eager … so much so that it drives other people away.
    • I’ve noticed this happen a lot in Bombay – guys / girls who are just too overtly keen on someone and end up becoming more of a nuisance than someone to consider for good company !
    • The intention is meant to be positive – but the result tends to fall as a negative … and so that leaves this guy / girl in a permanent state of limbo !
  3. Marriage is the Goal
    • This guy or girls’ purpose in life is to get married. They have been raised with the thought ‘you must get married and settle down’ which is instilled into everything they do. They want a solid relationship. They also don’t know dating is about.
    • So a potentially great guy / girl who wants a commitment – but won’t commit to the basics of dating as the certainty of a long term established commitment is not there.
    • Isn’t that a catch 22 – how can you marry someone that you’ve not dated right ? (at least for me!)

After 3 years of living in Bombay, this is how I can summarize the dating scene (or lack of) in the city. I may be generalizing but based on comments on my previous posts – it’s not limited to Bombay – it appears to be a nationwide epidemic !

Somewhere in between all of the above – of course there are people who actually manage to date and develop relationships. I’m not saying its not possible – I’m just saying that it’s bloody hard to do it !! Like Naomi – I have found myself in a situation where the guy wasn’t quite sure what we had going on; to anyone else we would have been dating / seeing each other – to him – we were hanging out and being casual ! Some people are just confused – but that’s life eh =P

What are your thoughts on this ? I’d really like to hear different perspectives on this subject. Looking forward to your comments and feedback on this.